Because we most assuredly didn’t. We’d much rather be listening to endless loops of Cato the Elder’s droning about the price of cabbage with the odd bit about Carthage thrown in at the end. At least Cato had a point and it was rarely about himself, droll as that point might be.
But we did get some reports from the more masochistically inclined citizens of the Empire. Do not envy them, but do not pity them either. It is from their ranks that we recruit the most steadfast, unflinching soldiers the Empire has. After they pass B.C.’s erm, indoctrination course. And when we say “pass” we mean “survive.” They are the only ones other than B.C. who truly know the horrors of his A/V collection and live to tell the tale. OK, we had to cut out the last test because it eliminated too many otherwise promising recruits, so we guess they know most of the horrors. We shan’t go into details about the Ultimate Test™, but it involved a close-up IMAX recording in 3D Smell-O-Vision of Helen Thomas pleasuring herself with the hilt of a Hitlerjugend dagger.
The last recruit to face it clawed his eyes out with his own nails and his last words were, as he bled to death: “I can still SEE IT!”
Are we digressing again? Why, we do believe that we are.
Øbamses IV’s excellent adventure in trying to explain himself regarding our war, excuse us, “kinetic” something or other action against Libya was, as we’d pretty much expected, nothing but an endless display of auto-fellatio which, to be quite frank with you, our good citizens, we still don’t understand why he bothers with. It’s not like there’s a shortage of Make Believe Media fellaters who will happily do the deed for him.
We were assured by his most Golfing Excellency that it was he, and he alone, who strode into the fight like a giant of old and took the helm, saving or creating untold millions of civilian lives.
Yes, we realize that, but let’s not go into the “creating” bit here. Moo-chelle Antoinette might get upset with us and there are few things we fear more than having to face her girth and the massive testicle shelf that she passes off as a mandible.
After having modestly established his own heroism in putting a decisive and quick end to a conflict that he spent weeks golfing and partying in Rio before making a decision on when he realized that the French had beat him to it, he then went on to praise his own wisdom in letting others take the lead which, being the brilliant statesman that he is, he accomplished by relinquishing command of the troops that he is, allegedly, the Commander-in-Chief of. They’re still the only ones fighting, the rest of his massive, 14 member strong (we’re probably high balling it here since the actual number seems to be decreasing quicker than the number of canapés available at a buffet with Mickey Moore-on in attendance) coalition of the grinning (compared to the BushHitler’s paltry 48 but he didn’t have France!) having gone home for beer, tea, scones and falafels, but by JOVE they’re in command!
Of the US troops, that is, since nobody else seems to be around. Meaning that the US is in no shape, form or fashion, the leader of his happy band of buggerers. We suppose he’s just using our men and women as rented out whores, except he’s not even charging rent.
We’re also informed that he justified his decision including, we presume, his decision to NOT apprise Congress of the fact, much less seeking the approval thereof (it’s only war we’re talking about and hey, is that the Girl from Ipanema going by?) by being unable to sit idly by while civilians are being massacred. Unless said civilians happen to be Iranians or Iraqi Shiites, of course. Or anybody else being massacred and/or oppressed by regimes who are mortal enemies of the U.S.
Let’s see: We have Egypt, an ally of ours who was no threat to us whatsoever. Øbamandias’ response, when he’d finally settled on one, which is to say, when the issue had been already settled, was to support the rebellion. Then we have Libya, the dictator of which had been shitting his pants ever since we dragged his namesake Saddam Hussein out of a shithole and trying to do his best not to get on our bad side lest he be bombed to smithereens. Øbamandias’ response, once the French had decided it for him, was to bomb him to smithereens.
Not that there’s any love lost between His Imperial Majesty, Misha I, and the murderous thug that is Quackdaffi, but it seems to us that carpet bombing assholes after they’ve prostrated themselves before you doesn’t exactly encourage other assholes to follow suit. But we’re sure we’re missing some vital nuance in there.
So: Ally yourself with the U.S. (Egypt) or do your damndest not to piss us off (Libya) earns you a kick in the keister. Pissing all over us, ignoring every single demand we issue (Iran, Syria and North Korea) earns you a bunch of not-so-sternly worded notes of concern.
Sorry. We’re still missing the Brilliance of Øbamandias’ Smarterer Diplomacy™ here.
Not that any of this matters. We already know that once the Make Believe Media have received their Talking Points from Journolist II, we’ll hear wall to wall praises of his speech, declaring it the most inspired piece of oratory since G-d spoke from a burning bush.
Which is yet another reason why we can’t watch the news anymore.
Perhaps we should have B.C. drop the Helen Thomas videos and replace them with recordings of the Øgabemedia’s tongue-baths.
That would be TOO cruel.
We’d like to have some of the recruits survive.