So His Vileness and I were just talking about games and decided this comment needed a post of its own.
I’ve got an idea for a really realistic FPS game. Call it “Grunt Life”.
You sit around for 11 hours filling sandbags, taking a shit, looking at pr0n, jacking off, policing up cigarette butts, cleaning the head, burning POL drums of shit, and cleaning your weapon.
Then you get a FRAGO, put on your pack (at this point the game slices open your shoulders, hits you in the lower back with a sledgehammer, and drives over your feet with a 6by) and hump ten hours to set up an OP. While your humping empty 6 ton’s drive by you in the same direction with long haired pogues laughing at you as they kick up nice clouds of dust for you to breathe while you enjoy your little stroll.
You get to spend four hours digging through rock and hacking through tree roots with a broken e-tool. You’re rewarded with a 6 inch deep slit trench which you get to hand over to some other asshole because you have to ruck up and move to contact.
You then spend eight hours humping through shitty terrain while your Lieutenant tries to figure out which side of the map is north and what that funny thing with the spinning needle is for. The game will inject acid into your thighs and Novocaine into your fingers.
Then you trip over a rock an break your ankle. The Doc gives you a Motrin and tells you to lace up your boot tight. Real tight. You get to hump another 4 hours.
Then somebody you never see will shoot at you and someone else will shoot back at him. The entire firefight will last 5 seconds, but you get to spend the next 4 hours “consolidating you position”, which means sitting on your ass in the rain while someone else looks for the little bastard that just shot at you. You’ll find a blood trail but no body.
Then you get to hump back for 12 hours uphill because the Lieutenant finally figured out the map and found a “short cut”.
When you get back to your OP someone has taken a shit in your fighting position and it’s raining. A lot.
The game ends with mail call and a “Dear John” letter from your wife informing you that she’s cleaned out your meager savings account so she can pay the rent for the Jodie motherfucker whose been fucking her for the past 6 months. He’s such a nice guy you know and will pay you back of course.
Think anyone will wanna play?
It’s a grunt thing.
The game ends with mail call and a “Dear John” letter from your wife informing you that she’s cleaned out your meager savings account so she can pay the rent for the Jodie motherfucker whose been fucking her for the past 6 months. He’s such a nice guy you know and will pay you back of course. I remember one… Read more »
I wouldn’t last five minutes in that game, Sir Crunchie. But then, I’m fat, lazy, and a few months shy of 60.
Maybe when I was 20, but not now…
And my kid wonders why I learned to enjoy being an ’01 when he spent six years breaking his back as a Crew Chief on a flight line of a heavy lift fixed wing squadron. Because I enjoy hot coffee, hot chow, heat, and minesweeper. Besides, there were were ’01s (Admin) before there were ’03 (Infantry). Who do you think… Read more »
motrin!?! i didn’t get the motrin. i feel cheated. :p
now that i think about it we didn’t have motrin back then.
That reminds me a bit of the late Bill Mauldin’s description of a combat patrol in his book Up Front.
Yeah, it sucks but every so often you get to kill some asshole who desperately deserves it.
Perhaps forty years ago, I might, repeat might, have stood a chance. Now? Five minutes, maybe….. I remember seeing buddies get Dear Johns too, I hope he got to go back and kill that asshole.
One fucking word… RIP Brother….
No offense meant Crunch…I have too many years and buried too many friends…to me it’s not a game. Although I have to mention some of it WAS fun.
One reason I do not RPG ANY combat games. (RPG…hehe..no pun intended!)
How about its sister game, TAXPAYER? It takes 40 years to play, it costs $100,000 to buy in (and takes 4 years to get approval to play), it involves soul crushing boredom and repetitive button pushing. There’s a driving simulator sub-game, and each driving game lasts for an hour, but you can never go faster than 20 mph. The game… Read more »
Been there, done that, got the fucking t-shirt.
my uncle bob was in the 82nd during ww11 and he had enough points to go home on leave but his buddy said he really wanted to see his wife so bob gave thew guy he slot.it was only after he was gone that they found a dear john his wife had sent him he arrived unannounced and shot the… Read more »
oh, you can tell a grunt by his feet because when you take your boot and sock off you can see the outline of the boot in calluses that show every thing like eye lets, shoe laces toe cap and a half inch calluse on the bottom of your foot.
I was smart, joined the Navy, didn’t have to do any of that shit, had a reasonably soft warm bed and hot meals.
LC Draco says:
None taken Draco, that was the point of the post. I hate RPG/FFS games, especially ones that are supposed to be “realistic”. This was my attempt at lambasting them a bit.
I had to show this to my father who spent his time in Vietnam trying to keep the electronics working at fire bases. His reply was “Yep, though for me it was weeks and months of hard, dirty, mind numbingly boring work with little sleep and shitty food………. and your reward was periods of stark terror when your did the… Read more »
LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E. says: None taken Draco, that was the point of the post. I hate RPG/FFS games, especially ones that are supposed to be “realistic”. This was my attempt at lambasting them a bit. They certainly deserve a bit of mockery, particularly the ones advertised as being “super realistic” since the only ones who would ever… Read more »
I raise a glass to those who’ve BTDT. To those who’ve BTDT and volunteer to do it again, I raise TWO glasses. And if you happen to be where I am, I’ll buy you one.
Like VonZorch , I chose Navy. Airdale Navy; I sent my officers to do my fighting.
Or as I used to say, if you break your leg, you get Motrin. If it’s a compound fracture, you get a Band-Aid and Motrin. I wasn’t even in the “REAL” Army. I was aviation. We didn’t do the REAL shit. At least not most of the time. I kind of liked it that way. “In the rear with the… Read more »
Sounds like a young lady that worked for me during my Navy days: ” I love my little boy to death, but I’d let a lizard run up my spine before I’d have another.”
well, at least some of the ‘super realistic’ FPSes are finally getting past the point where they look like the game authors never fired a firearm in their lives…