Wanna Play?

So His Vileness and I were just talking about games and decided this comment needed a post of its own.

 I’ve got an idea for a really realistic FPS game. Call it “Grunt Life”.

You sit around for 11 hours filling sandbags, taking a shit, looking at pr0n, jacking off, policing up cigarette butts, cleaning the head, burning POL drums of shit, and cleaning your weapon.

Then you get a FRAGO, put on your pack (at this point the game slices open your shoulders, hits you in the lower back with a sledgehammer, and drives over your feet with a 6by) and hump ten hours to set up an OP. While your humping empty 6 ton’s drive by you in the same direction with long haired pogues laughing at you as they kick up nice clouds of dust for you to breathe while you enjoy your little stroll.

You get to spend four hours digging through rock and hacking through tree roots with a broken e-tool. You’re rewarded with a 6 inch deep slit trench which you get to hand over to some other asshole because you have to ruck up and move to contact.

You then spend eight hours humping through shitty terrain while your Lieutenant tries to figure out which side of the map is north and what that funny thing with the spinning needle is for. The game will inject acid into your thighs and Novocaine into your fingers.

Then you trip over a rock an break your ankle. The Doc gives you a Motrin and tells you to lace up your boot tight. Real tight. You get to hump another 4 hours.

Then somebody you never see will shoot at you and someone else will shoot back at him. The entire firefight will last 5 seconds, but you get to spend the next 4 hours “consolidating you position”, which means sitting on your ass in the rain while someone else looks for the little bastard that just shot at you. You’ll find a blood trail but no body.

Then you get to hump back for 12 hours uphill because the Lieutenant finally figured out the map and found a “short cut”.

When you get back to your OP someone has taken a shit in your fighting position and it’s raining. A lot.

The game ends with mail call and a “Dear John” letter from your wife informing you that she’s cleaned out your meager savings account so she can pay the rent for the Jodie motherfucker whose been fucking her for the past 6 months. He’s such a nice guy you know and will pay you back of course.

Think anyone will wanna play?

It’s a grunt thing.

21 comments

  1. 1

    The game ends with mail call and a “Dear John” letter from your wife informing you that she’s cleaned out your meager savings account so she can pay the rent for the Jodie motherfucker whose been fucking her for the past 6 months. He’s such a nice guy you know and will pay you back of course.

    I remember one letter a poor bastard got from his wife. She asked him to go to disbursing and get an advance on his pay. She had blown her payroll allotment for the month lending it to her “friend” so he could make the payment on his Camaro. He had to spend the money on his bail you see and now he was behind in his car payment. He promised to pay it back of course, after he got a job. And paid his lawyer. It was all a trumped up charge anyway you know, he didn’t really rob that convenience store, the local cops just had it in for him and were framing him. He was really a nice guy, honest. She felt sorry for him because he had been kicked out of his apartment and didn’t have any place to stay. He was sleeping on their couch, just until he could find his own place. Oh, and the kids really liked their new “uncle”.
    LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E. recently posted..Wanna Play? My Profile

  2. 2
    Igor, Imperial Booby growls and barks:

    I wouldn’t last five minutes in that game, Sir Crunchie. But then, I’m fat, lazy, and a few months shy of 60.

    Maybe when I was 20, but not now… :em04:

  3. 3
    LC Light29ID growls and barks:

    And my kid wonders why I learned to enjoy being an ’01 when he spent six years breaking his back as a Crew Chief on a flight line of a heavy lift fixed wing squadron.

    Because I enjoy hot coffee, hot chow, heat, and minesweeper. Besides, there were were ’01s (Admin) before there were ’03 (Infantry). Who do you think did the fucking enlistment paperwork for Col Nicholas?

  4. 4
    LC hilljohnny growls and barks:

    Then you trip over a rock an break your ankle. The Doc gives you a Motrin and tells you to lace up your boot tight. Real tight. You get to hump another 4 hours.

    motrin!?! i didn’t get the motrin. i feel cheated. :p
    now that i think about it we didn’t have motrin back then.

  5. 5
    irish19 growls and barks:

    That reminds me a bit of the late Bill Mauldin’s description of a combat patrol in his book Up Front.

  6. 6
    Mark12A growls and barks:

    Yeah, it sucks but every so often you get to kill some asshole who desperately deserves it.

  7. 7
    LC HJ Caveman82952 growls and barks:

    Perhaps forty years ago, I might, repeat might, have stood a chance. Now? Five minutes, maybe….. I remember seeing buddies get Dear Johns too, I hope he got to go back and kill that asshole.

  8. 8
    LC Draco growls and barks:

    One fucking word… RIP Brother….
    LC Draco recently posted..A Thank YouMy Profile

  9. 9
    LC Draco growls and barks:

    No offense meant Crunch…I have too many years and buried too many friends…to me it’s not a game. Although I have to mention some of it WAS fun.

    One reason I do not RPG ANY combat games. (RPG…hehe..no pun intended!) :em05:
    LC Draco recently posted..A Thank YouMy Profile

  10. 10
    Fa Cube Itches growls and barks:

    How about its sister game, TAXPAYER?

    It takes 40 years to play, it costs $100,000 to buy in (and takes 4 years to get approval to play), it involves soul crushing boredom and repetitive button pushing. There’s a driving simulator sub-game, and each driving game lasts for an hour, but you can never go faster than 20 mph. The game slowly degrades your vision, gives you a constant high-calorie, high carb, high fat IV drip to ensure hypertension and 30% chance of type II diabetes, and at the end of each stage, 50% of your points are taken away and given to people who aren’t even playing. Your remaining points decrease in value by approximately 2-8% each stage, too.

  11. 11
    Vinegar Joe growls and barks:

    Been there, done that, got the fucking t-shirt.

  12. 12
    bruce growls and barks:

    my uncle bob was in the 82nd during ww11 and he had enough points to go home on leave but his buddy said he really wanted to see his wife so bob gave thew guy he slot.it was only after he was gone that they found a dear john his wife had sent him he arrived unannounced and shot the bitch and her boy friend with his .45.he was arrested tried and acquitted buy a jury of ww1 vets because he had battle fatigue.i got my dear john before i left and less than 6months later she married a one eyed fat man who’s nick name was froggy. i humped a ruck that weighed as much as i did and as you know it is a killer and the longest we stayed out was 60 days which sucked big time.after we had wiped out the so called viet cong and rolled over the nva we went back to search and destroy which is a losers game on the asian main land.the only hot meals we got was when we were in the hospital other wise we eat c,s which i liked other than ham and mother fuckers.every bug over there wants to take a bite out of you plus there are leaches every where and i caught one crawling up my nose but at least i didn’t have one crawl up my dick like my buddy.there are poison snakes every where.how about the rain because you have your vertical rain,up rain and down rain then the horizontal left rain and right rain.try sleeping in it because it is cold and we get to fight in this shit

  13. 13
    bruce growls and barks:

    oh, you can tell a grunt by his feet because when you take your boot and sock off you can see the outline of the boot in calluses that show every thing like eye lets, shoe laces toe cap and a half inch calluse on the bottom of your foot. :em05:

  14. 14
    VonZorch Imperial Researcher growls and barks:

    I was smart, joined the Navy, didn’t have to do any of that shit, had a reasonably soft warm bed and hot meals.

  15. 15

    LC Draco says:

    No offense meant Crunch…I have too many years and buried too many friends…to me it’s not a game.

    None taken Draco, that was the point of the post. I hate RPG/FFS games, especially ones that are supposed to be “realistic”. This was my attempt at lambasting them a bit.
    LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E. recently posted..Wanna Play? My Profile

  16. 16
    Slightly to the right of Gingis Khan growls and barks:

    I had to show this to my father who spent his time in Vietnam trying to keep the electronics working at fire bases.

    His reply was “Yep, though for me it was weeks and months of hard, dirty, mind numbingly boring work with little sleep and shitty food………. and your reward was periods of stark terror when your did the math of rounds you carried vs. people who wanted to kill you.

  17. 17
    Emperor Misha I growls and barks:

    LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E. says:

    None taken Draco, that was the point of the post. I hate RPG/FFS games, especially ones that are supposed to be “realistic”. This was my attempt at lambasting them a bit.

    They certainly deserve a bit of mockery, particularly the ones advertised as being “super realistic” since the only ones who would ever call them that would be somebody who didn’t know what the fuck they were talking about.

    Personally, I don’t hate them as such. It depends on the presentation. If they’re hyped as “just like being there” and that kind of bull, then they get my full scorn and derision treatment for sure. Nothing short of actually “being there” can ever qualify for that label, and that goes for whatever the hell it is a game tries to simulate.

    Are they fun, are they a bit over the top, are they a nice diversion from real life? That’s what I’m looking for. Yes, I do want something that is not ridiculously inaccurate, I do like for the weapons, the environment, the enemy AI etc. to at least try to resemble their real life counterparts, but nobody but a full on psycho who’d ever worn a uniform would ever want a game that was exactly like being back in it.

    Unless we’re simulating drunken excursions off-base and such, of course ;)

    But sims, strategy games, that sort of thing in general, they’re just a diversion. I enjoy playing at being a skipper on a U-Boat or a bombardier on a B-17, a Sopwith Camel pilot over the Somme, a general commanding the armies of Rome, all of that, just to explore history as best as computing power will allow us to.

    Would I want to BE there? Not a fucking chance.
    Emperor Misha I recently posted..Wanna Play? My Profile

  18. 18
    rickn8or growls and barks:

    I raise a glass to those who’ve BTDT. To those who’ve BTDT and volunteer to do it again, I raise TWO glasses. And if you happen to be where I am, I’ll buy you one.

    Like VonZorch , I chose Navy. Airdale Navy; I sent my officers to do my fighting.

  19. 19
    Odahi growls and barks:

    Or as I used to say, if you break your leg, you get Motrin. If it’s a compound fracture, you get a Band-Aid and Motrin. I wasn’t even in the “REAL” Army. I was aviation. We didn’t do the REAL shit. At least not most of the time. I kind of liked it that way. “In the rear with the gear.” Not as cushy as Navy, and not a PATCH on Air Force, but it wasn’t too bad. My buddy was the one who got a Dear-John letter from his wife, telling him that she was moving her boyfriend into their quarters. Had another acquaintance who actually DID wait for his cheating wife to come home, and then slit her throat. I think he may be out of jail by now, but I wouldn’t bet on it. Yeah, it can be shitty. REAL shitty. But it’s still a basis for pride, and the foundation of most of the things I’m proud of in myself. I wouldn’t have missed it for a million bucks. I wouldn’t do it over for TWO million.

  20. 20
    rickn8or growls and barks:

    I wouldn’t have missed it for a million bucks. I wouldn’t do it over for TWO million.

    Sounds like a young lady that worked for me during my Navy days: ” I love my little boy to death, but I’d let a lizard run up my spine before I’d have another.”

  21. 21
    Draven32 growls and barks:

    well, at least some of the ‘super realistic’ FPSes are finally getting past the point where they look like the game authors never fired a firearm in their lives…