He Needs a Shave, Alright, A Really Close One

Since we’re tired of talking about Der Fubar for now. Which will last all of three minutes, tops, until he fucks the pooch again (and then cooks it and eats it with a white wine sauce).

Nidal Hasan, the pisslamic barbaric fuckwit who brutally murdered 13 people in an orgy of pisslamic rage, is apparently about to have his lice-infested, pisslamic beard razed off by court order.

A US military judge has ordered the Fort Hood massacre suspect, army major Nidal Hasan, to shave or be forcibly shaved, ruling that his beard is not covered by federal laws protecting religious freedom.

Colonel Gregory Gross ruled following a hearing that Hasan’s attorneys had failed to prove he had grown the beard, which he has worn since June, for religious reasons. Hasan, 41, has said he grew the beard in line with the beliefs of his Islamic faith and that it is part of his free exercise of religion.

Which His Imperial Majesty considers at least slightly odd, considering that we’ve been told by the JizyaMedia and every possible alphabet soup federal agency in existence that there is absolutely NO reason, none whatsoever, to think that Nidal Hasan’s murder spree was in any way connected to any religion of his. Why, the man is practically an Atheist for Allah, fermohammedssakes!

We guess he just “found religion” as he realized that he was up on charges for 13 counts of premeditated murder (or “pisslamic Jihad”, as it’s known to those who are still in possession of a brain) as well as 32 counts of attempted same and, we’re told, his wearing of traditional pisslamic garb and repeated shouts of “allahu akbar” while gunning down innocents was just his quaint, perfectly legitimate way of asking to speak to the manager about a tube of KY-gel that had left his arsehole unusually raw and tender.

Hasan is accused of opening fire on 5 November 2009 at a deployment centre at Fort Hood, one of the largest US army bases, killing 13 people.

The “accusation” being based on eyewitness testimony and camera footage of him doing exactly what he’s “accused” of.

If Hasan is forcibly shaved it would not be a simple process, Broadway said. Army regulations are specific on how forced shaves can be carried out.

Not simple? That’s only because the Armed Forces are being run by neutered metrosexuals. In His Imperial Majesty’s Armed Forces, it is quite simple. Here’s a picture of our shaver:

Not only does it solve problems with undesirable facial hair, it takes care of acne as an added bonus!

On the other hand, there are some reports that the pisslamic vermin has become a quadriplegic as a result of the return fire that stopped his massacre, so it would probably be better to go with life without parole in his case.

After all, the other lifers have urges too, and what better than to hand them their very own, life-like, warm sex doll who won’t resist in the slightest on account of his being unable to, and you don’t even have to feel the slightest bit of remorse after plowing his arsehole like a freaking maniac.

Bonus: No inflation required!



  1. 1
    angrywebmaster growls and barks:

    Actually I was thinking of ” rel=”nofollow”>putting him into this object.
    Feet first.

  2. 2
    Igor, Imperial Booby growls and barks:

    I was thinking more of giving him a choice: Either shave it off yourself, or we’ll take you to the live-fire range and see if the new recruits can “shave” you with their target-practicing…

    I’d buy tickets to either one… :em01:

  3. 3
    dasbow growls and barks:

    Wait a minute. Dude can’t move his arms or legs and shaving him would be difficult? What’s he going to do, bleed on us?


  4. 4
    Fa Cube Itches growls and barks:

    An axe? No, no, no. Far too quick.

    Take a lesson from the novel Shogun. When Toranaga defeated Ishido, he had him buried up to his neck with passers-by offered the opportunity to saw at the most famous neck in the realm with a bamboo saw. The novel states that “Ishido lingered three days and died very old.”

  5. 5
    rickn8or growls and barks:

    Flick a Bic.

  6. 6
    Tallulah growls and barks:

    Paul Bowles recorded a charming arab custom from Morocco in one of his short stories.

    To whit: Take prisoner to the desert. Stake him to an anthill with fire ants. Sever his dick, and put it in his mouth. Pour honey over him, and watch the ants have their way with him.

    Vary the timing by the species of ant.

    BTW, the Soviets figured out that the best way to stop the arab nutters from killing for allah (after they abducted and killed a couple of Russian agents) was to cut off their dicks, shoot them in the head, then dump them in front of Terrorist HQ as a warning.

    Amazingly, they weren’t bothered after that. See, the arab nutters were worried that they wouldn’t be able to screw all those virgins if they got to their heavenly whorehouse without their pencil dicks.

  7. 7
    bruce growls and barks:

    general pershing use to wrap ragheads in pig skins,stuff their mousths with pork then dump them in the raghead villages.that and the 1911 stopped the raghead trouble.i think hasan would look good in a pig suit and yes they shrink as they dry.

  8. 8
    LC TerribleTroy growls and barks:

    A quad huh? That just makes my day. They need to shave his face and head everyday using pig oil as the shaving creme. I won’t support the death penalty for this mutt. I want him to live a long long time trapped in his shell dependant on a infidel for his every need. Preferably a lesbian that owns a dog and loves bacon.

  9. 9
    LC Xystus growls and barks:

    Nice ax!

  10. 10
    The Lone Haranguer growls and barks:

    I first heard of this beard-shaving thing a good month ago. It takes that long to decide whether to make him shave his beard off? What is to decide? He is still (technically) an Army officer and is violating regulations. Strap him to a chair and sedate him if necessary.

    But this doesn’t piss me off nearly as much as how he got to be in his position in the first place, or what he must have been telling the soldiers he was supposed to be counseling.

  11. 11
    LC George, Apocryphal Prophet growls and barks:

    The question is who will be the barber.

    I nominate Michael J. Fox, with a straight razor.

  12. 12
    rickn8or growls and barks:

    Michael J. Fox, off his meds with a straight razor.