Not that it’s going to do this particular teen any good now but, what the fuck, His Majesty is all about Publick Service, so consider this an announcement of such a nature.
The 18-year-old, who has only been identified by his first name, Chuang, had booked a private room at the Tainan cafe in southern Taiwan on the afternoon of July 13, according to the the Australian, which cited the United Daily News broadsheet. Chuang then proceeded to play the videogame for 40 hours straight without eating.
On July 15, an attendant went into the room where Chuang had been playing and found the teen resting on the table, according to the Australian. The attendant was able to wake Chuang, who stood up, took a few steps and then collapsed onto the ground. He was pronounced dead soon after arriving at the hospital.
He’s now resting really, really well. One Level Boss too many, we supposed. His Imperial Majesty’s Department of News was unable to find out if he at least finished the game, nor could we find out if his online nick is now available for use because, hey, it would be totally boss (to use the vernacular) to play as an undead character with that nick now. No, we don’t know if you even can play as an undead character in Diablo 3, nor do we much care.
Where the story goes from “damn, that’s a dumb way to die” to “please, gag us with a spoon or something” is when the article mentions that Blizzard, the devs of the game, somehow felt it necessary to state the following:
We’re saddened to hear this news, and our thoughts are with his family and friends during this difficult time. We don’t feel it would be appropriate for us to comment further without knowing all of the circumstances involved. While we recognise that it’s ultimately up to each individual or their parent or guardian to determine playing habits, we feel that moderation is clearly important, and that a person’s day-to-day life should take precedence over any form of entertainment.
Because, well, nobody in the entire fucking universe already knew that sitting on your ass for 40 hours straight staring at a screen might be bad for your health. No, we don’t blame Blizzard, because we know why they have to: Land shark lawyers. That and the fact that teenagers dying from doing stupid shit is only ever news if the stupid shit of which they are guilty is in some way connected to the Internet and/or Gaming, and once something is news, statements must be made lest you be seen as “uncaring” or “reckless.”
Again: If this dumbass hadn’t killed himself in a way connected with the new bogeymen of the Innarnets/Gaming, this wouldn’t rate a page 47 mention in the Taipei Daily Dish Rag because “The Internets and Video Games Are Murdering Our Childerrrnnnnn™!!!1!!!”, followed by the urgent need for new laws and regulations to address this massive, civilization-threatening pandemic of tech-related deaths.
Because teenagers never ever got themselves killed in massively moronic ways before games and the Internet were invented. Nope. Not ever!
So, in the interest of the Common Good and because we most certainly can’t be seen as Not Caring About Teh Childeernnnn™, here goes:
Kids, don’t sit your arses down for 40 hours straight without eating anything. It’s really fucking dumb and no monuments will be built in your honor (unless you’re a World of Warcraft player, in which case they’ll probably launch a virtual funeral complete with virtual sermons, virtual moments of silence and ridiculously bad synchronized digital virtual dance moves. Until somebody with a sense of humor raids their circle jerk for violating the 11th Commandment, which is “Thou Shalt Not Take Thyself and Your Retarded Hobby too Seriously”, but we digress, in a horrible run-on fashion), best case scenario you won’t end up with the most humiliating inscription on your headstone ever seen.