Not that it’s going to do this particular teen any good now but, what the fuck, His Majesty is all about Publick Service, so consider this an announcement of such a nature.

The 18-year-old, who has only been identified by his first name, Chuang, had booked a private room at the Tainan cafe in southern Taiwan on the afternoon of July 13, according to the the Australian, which cited the United Daily News broadsheet. Chuang then proceeded to play the videogame for 40 hours straight without eating.

On July 15, an attendant went into the room where Chuang had been playing and found the teen resting on the table, according to the Australian. The attendant was able to wake Chuang, who stood up, took a few steps and then collapsed onto the ground. He was pronounced dead soon after arriving at the hospital.

He’s now resting really, really well. One Level Boss too many, we supposed. His Imperial Majesty’s Department of News was unable to find out if he at least finished the game, nor could we find out if his online nick is now available for use because, hey, it would be totally boss (to use the vernacular) to play as an undead character with that nick now. No, we don’t know if you even can play as an undead character in Diablo 3, nor do we much care.

Where the story goes from “damn, that’s a dumb way to die” to “please, gag us with a spoon or something” is when the article mentions that Blizzard, the devs of the game, somehow felt it necessary to state the following:

We’re saddened to hear this news, and our thoughts are with his family and friends during this difficult time. We don’t feel it would be appropriate for us to comment further without knowing all of the circumstances involved. While we recognise that it’s ultimately up to each individual or their parent or guardian to determine playing habits, we feel that moderation is clearly important, and that a person’s day-to-day life should take precedence over any form of entertainment.

Because, well, nobody in the entire fucking universe already knew that sitting on your ass for 40 hours straight staring at a screen might be bad for your health. No, we don’t blame Blizzard, because we know why they have to: Land shark lawyers. That and the fact that teenagers dying from doing stupid shit is only ever news if the stupid shit of which they are guilty is in some way connected to the Internet and/or Gaming, and once something is news, statements must be made lest you be seen as “uncaring” or “reckless.”

Again: If this dumbass hadn’t killed himself in a way connected with the new bogeymen of the Innarnets/Gaming, this wouldn’t rate a page 47 mention in the Taipei Daily Dish Rag because “The Internets and Video Games Are Murdering Our Childerrrnnnnn™!!!1!!!”, followed by the urgent need for new laws and regulations to address this massive, civilization-threatening pandemic of tech-related deaths.

Because teenagers never ever got themselves killed in massively moronic ways before games and the Internet were invented. Nope. Not ever!

So, in the interest of the Common Good and because we most certainly can’t be seen as Not Caring About Teh Childeernnnn™, here goes:

Kids, don’t sit your arses down for 40 hours straight without eating anything. It’s really fucking dumb and no monuments will be built in your honor (unless you’re a World of Warcraft player, in which case they’ll probably launch a virtual funeral complete with virtual sermons, virtual moments of silence and ridiculously bad synchronized digital virtual dance moves. Until somebody with a sense of humor raids their circle jerk for violating the 11th Commandment, which is “Thou Shalt Not Take Thyself and Your Retarded Hobby too Seriously”, but we digress, in a horrible run-on fashion), best case scenario you won’t end up with the most humiliating inscription on your headstone ever seen.

You’re welcome.

Thatisall.

0 0 votes
Article Rating

By Emperor Misha I

Ruler of all I survey -- and then some.

11 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
LC Sir Rurik, K.o.E.
LC Sir Rurik, K.o.E.
Guest
August 1, 2012 21:09

It sounds like the end of a wasted life. Maube this is what they mean by Youth in Asia. :em05:

Has anyone thought of giving a Gameboy to the new Un-Kim?

And FOIST!!!

LC Sir Clambake, Imperial Black Ops Technician, K.o.E.
Guest
August 1, 2012 21:31

That was just fucking stupidity. Is this going to lead to another “public health” law?

LCBren
Admin
August 1, 2012 21:40

That WoW comment.. not all of them are like that.

Well…….not ALL…….

….Stop LOOKING at me like that!!!!!! :em05:

dasbow
dasbow
Guest
August 1, 2012 22:06

Yep, wouldn’t want this to happen:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IHJVolaC8pw

By the way, please note that the virtual funeral was the equivalent of a virtual ‘gun free zone’, and we can see how that worked out.

LC Gunsniper
LC Gunsniper
Member
August 1, 2012 22:22

So, Diablo 3 doesn’t have a “save” function?

Draven32
Draven32
Guest
August 2, 2012 00:26

He was probably mining for epic items, which can be sold for real money in the real money part of the auction house…

Darth Venomous
Guest
August 2, 2012 01:52

I once did a three-hour stint in my trusty recliner at Castle Wolfenstein one time.

Once done, I realized I had the Mother Of All Headaches. And I realized why, too – if I blinked more than three times during the entire sequence, it escaped my notice.

Deleted the game shortly thereafter.

LCBren
Admin
August 2, 2012 04:16

So, Diablo 3 doesn’t have a “save” function?

Diablo 3 cannot be saved. Literally.

Mark12A
Mark12A
Guest
August 2, 2012 09:31

Sounds like Evolution In Action to me.

LC Draco
Guest
August 2, 2012 09:36

Back in the day, when I was an Everquest player, there were stories like this one. Dumbasses playing for DAYS with no break. Hell, I once played for 18 hours straight, but I took breaks for the bathroom and food. I would be grouped with some other players as we were mining for certain items. Some of the mobs had… Read more »

LC Xystus
Guest
August 2, 2012 17:35

Cause of death not given? Np recommendations accepted. :em04: