30% of Meat Eaters or, as they’re also known, “carnivores” or “individuals who understand the meaning of ‘omni’ in ‘omnivore'” or “humans using their bodies the way G-d designed them (or Nature, if you prefer)” won’t date a vegetarian, according to this study.

We’ll let Bill Quick have the first response since he’s the one we stole it from (and, besides, we like his responses. A lot):

Of course. Vegetarians tend to be either religious whackjobs, eco-nutcases, or just obsessively weird. The few minor exceptions to this rule aren’t worth the risk.

Undeniably true that. However, we will point out that we’ve met a few who didn’t fit any of the above categories. Not a lot, but they do exist. So it’s a matter of risk assessment, as Bill says.

And even if your vegetarian “possible” isn’t a screaming, fundamentalist nutjob, there still remains the practical side of it all. Do you forgo the joy of eating meat altogether, do you sneak off for the occasional side of bacon in the garage or do you spend the rest of your life having to cook separate dishes for your S.O.? The latter won’t necessarily work either, as you’d have to cook yours outside to avoid the “I can’t stand the smell of burning flesh” nagging.

No matter of what, it’s bound to put a bit of a strain on even the most open-minded of relationships.

Moreover: it’s not a matter of “both sides giving and taking”, as it’s always the carnivorous one who has to do the giving. You won’t find the vegetarian saying “OK, so I’ll eat a double bacon cheeseburger every other night of the week if you’ll eat tofu with me the rest of the time.” It is all give and no take for the meat eater, so it really oughtn’t come as a surprise to the morons behind that “study” that a lot of them said “fuck this noise, no way.”

Of course, there are exceptions. Or so they say:

Meat eater Joshua Bernstein has never been shy about his love for beef and pork, and used to wax poetically about it when he wrote a column for the New York Press. Even when he started dating Jenene Chesbrough, a vegetarian who now is his wife, he still let his love for meat shine through in his writing, often noting his partner’s distaste for his barbecue fetish.

But it all worked out!

How did they do it? We’re sure you’re dying to hear:

“Dating a vegetarian is not that much of a crimp on my carnivorous lifestyle and Jenene never judges my dietary choices,” he told TODAY.com.

Yeah, right, whatever. HOW DID YOU DO IT?

“Not eating meat just forces me to find more creative ways to cook flavorful and often healthier meals at home. In fact, about the only difference is that I don’t really cook flesh-based foods in the house.”

Oh? So Jenene never judges your dietary choices and it’s not that much of a crimp on your carnivorous lifestyle? You just flat out said that you quit eating meat, didn’t you? Or are we just not properly understanding the meaning of the word constellation “not eating meat” here? You want to know why she’s not “judging you” and your carnivorous lifestyle, Joshua?

BECAUSE YOU DON’T FUCKING HAVE ONE ANYMORE, THAT’S WHY. Unless one can be “not eating meat” and still be carnivorous, that is. Maybe we’re missing something here. English is our second language.

Far be it from us to judge your choices. We don’t know if you’re just in denial, if your penis is an “innie” instead of the more traditional “outie” or if you’re just a plain metrosexual wanker, but you certainly don’t understand logic very well.



By Emperor Misha I

Ruler of all I survey -- and then some.

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