Which we feel a compelling need to bother you with because well, we are the Emperor, and you’re undoubtedly dying to know.
First off: Could we all please get over the damn zombies already? Seriously. We’re begging you with tears in our eyes, threatening to kill every last motherfucking one of you if you fuck with us any further. “Night of the Living Dead”, while inarguably a masterpiece, was made in nineteen-fucking-sixty-EIGHT. What’s next up for revival? DISCO? Because if that’s the case, we’re pulling up the tent poles and moving back to frackin’ Coruscant, and that’s one depressing place. Too much damn traffic, for one thing.
Anyway, zombies. We can’t seem to fucking swing an irradiated cat around without hitting zombies. Books, movies, TV shows, computer games, they all have frackin’ zombies in them. It’s like whoever has the power to give the kill order or the thumbs up to a project in those areas always starts out by asking “yeah, but does it have zombies in it?”, and then proceed to kill it if the question is answered in the negative.
ENOUGH already! Does anybody, anywhere in charge of creative projects have an idea that does not involve mindless, rotted carcasses stumbling about like spastic lepers after a night full of boozing and taking roofies? Has anybody had an original idea in the last 5 G-d forsaken decades? Anyone? Bueller? This endless stream of “me too” predictable boilerplate crap is making us sick to our stomach and seriously considering if it wouldn’t be better to turn this planet into an asteroid belt. At least it wouldn’t have zombies. They’re everywhere! Pretty soon the Imperial Heirs are going to come home with the latest Mario Bros game featuring, wait for it, zombies, at which point their Wii is going to get thrown out of the Imperial Palace fast enough that it will achieve low orbit.
In the Department of Language, we have a few issues as well, and we’re not just talking about our own inability to complete a sentence without including enough cuss words to make a sailor blush and join a monastery.
For the very last time, it’s called “rein in”, not “reign in”, unless you’re going to start referring to Rudolf as the Red Nosed Reigndeer, in which case we’d like for you to report for your Imperial euthanasia right away. We’ll preside over it personally. Heck, we’ll administer the injection personally. While laughing maniacally and sipping on a fine Scotch.
Also, “baked in.” Stop it. Enough. It was cute the first three million times, but now it’s getting really, really bloody old. Everything is “baked in” or, “baked into”, which is apparently the extent to which creativity goes in the Blogosphere. Listen, it’s not that it’s not a perfectly good phrase, it is, but variety is the spice of life (and the name of a worthless fish wrap), so could you please at least try? What happened to “it’s obvious that”, “it logically follows” or “it goes without saying that?” Too many fucking letters, #TwitterGeneration? Speaking of which: Why is it that people show remarkable creativity when it comes to hate-raping the English language in order to get a Tweet below the magic 140 characters, yet when it comes to their hash tags, they can’t create one that is less than 20 characters in length? But we digress.
At any rate, the only thing we want to hear in connection with something being “baked in” from here on out is four and twenty blackbirds, and there had damn well better be pie involved!
And then there’s the refusal to use the tried and true “somebody like [X]” and instead using “an [X]” where [X] is a proper noun. Example: “A John McCain would be a terrible choice for president” instead of “somebody like John McCain would be a terrible choice for president.” Yes, we know we’ve harped on this before, but it still bugs the everloving shite out of us. There IS only one “John McCain”, and thank G-d for that, so to say “a John McCain” as if it’s some commodity that you can buy by the gross at your local grocery store doesn’t even begin to make sense.
“What’s a ‘gross?’” Shut up, Generation Illiterate and go search the Internet. It will keep you from posting barely literate nonsense for at least a few minutes.
“Where are you going to go for your vacation?”
“I haven’t decided yet, but I’m partial to an affordable destination like a Prague. Sure it’s European, but that’s already baked into my plans, and it will serve to reign in my expenditures while I’m there.”
Sound idiotic to you? Good, because so do you, so cut it the fuck out, you pre-malignant blastocytes upon the English language.
And get the FUCK off of our lawn!