But we hear that the next few days could get interesting, as the Supreme Court may or may not finally get around to rule on OgabeCare.
Also, in other news that give us hope, E3 is finally over. To those of you who don’t know what E3 is, and let us tell you that we envy your blissful ignorance, it’s a yearly event where every single game publisher in the world get together to tell the adoring masses (that would be almost exclusively editors and writers for gaming magazines) just how wonderful their next half a dozen projects are going to be. As opposed to the half-finished dreck they’ve been pushing out for the last decade, we suppose, but they never quite say that out loud for some reason.
Then all of the gaming magazine drones, after they’ve spent days trying to get a snapshot of themselves standing next to a giant styrofoam Pikachu while wearing an Authentic Replica Mass Effect 3 Helmet (and wearing it backwards, usually, but they wouldn’t know if it were pointed out to them with a ball peen hammer to the forehead) in between an endless quest to get at least one of the scantily clad booth babes to not so much look at them approvingly, but at least refrain from throwing up on them, go home to their gaming magazines to dutifully copy every last bit of hyperbolic hype they’ve been fed by the publishers’ PR flacks, using words like “novel”, “gritty”, “groundbreaking” and “MMO” a lot. And we do mean a LOT.
So why does it relieve us when that spectacle is over? Because that’s ALL they write about for weeks and weeks on end, and there’s only so much vaporware hyping and extremely badly photoshopped images of reviewers kissing Princess Zelda’s foam boobs we can stand.
It’s bad enough that magazines and websites are already overflowing with that meaningless crap the rest of the year, but during and around E3 it reaches critical mass.
Here’s a dirty little secret, reviewers: We don’t give a flying hamsterfuck what awesome, fantastic, groundbreaking, gritty and, of course, massively multiplayer wonder games may or may not come out in some unspecified future, we’d much rather hear about what actually exists which, as it were, isn’t all that much, seeing as how most of the publishers are too busy delaying their promised wonder games month after month until they just quietly quit talking about them or sell the rights off to some poor schmuck publisher who’ll never finish it.
No, we don’t. Not even in the very least little bit. And when the “games to come” seem to consist almost entirely of remakes and threehundredandsixtyseventh iterations of concepts that reached their saturation points back in the 90s, we’re even less encouraged by it. Oh yay, UbiSoft is already working hard on Assassin’s Creed LXVIII, rumored to break new ground by being set on the dark side of the moon in the 23rd century, featuring an innovative interface, a gritty environment and the promise of, you guessed it, multiplayer. Again. Only better this time.
We can barely contain our excitement!
Cut. It. Out!
[Deep breath] ANYway… Now that it’s over, perhaps there will be some actual reviews to be read. You know, of stuff you can actually buy in stores. Which will all suck, seeing as how every single new game out there has to have at least some zombies in there, even if it’s a train simulator, or because they were published before they were finished because the publisher couldn’t find a poor schmuck to sell the rights to and, dammit, there’s a holiday coming up. Push it out the door. We can patch it later. Maybe. Look, a squirrel!
So what was the point here? None, really.
As we said: Slow news days.