Initially we thought that Ben Shapiro, that promising young chap with a writing style that we heartily endorse and enjoy, was having our Imperial Self on when he mentioned in his column this week that Nappy Ho Napolitano’s HeimatlandsSicherheitsAmt (yes, that really is “Department of Homeland Security” in the original German) had wasted G-d knows how much of our money “securing our homeland” by producing a video warning against the dangers of turkey fryers. But then we also know that Ben is quite particular about his research and it’s nowhere near April 1st, so we’ll take his word for it.
Speaking of his writing style, here’s a snippet:
The first object of government, wrote James Madison in Federalist Paper No. 10, was to protect the American people from deep turkey fryers. Oh, wait. That was Janet Napolitano, who this week had her Department of Homeland Security release a two-minute video highlighting the incredible danger to Homeland Security posed by these kettles of horror. “We recently tested several models of deep fat turkey fryers,” a bureaucratic-looking fellow wearing a hardhat tells the camera, “and find that this method of cooking can be very hazardous.” A man-made disaster, if you will.
Undoubtedly, the American people must be protected from the scourge of misused turkey fryers. If we burn ourselves on Thanksgiving dinner, the terrorists will have won.
The column isn’t really about Napolitano’s turkey of a PSA video, it’s about the continued infantilization of the American people under the Nanny State, but that only makes it even more worth reading and we recommend it heartily. We’ll still be here when you get back.
Unless we’ve blown ourself up with that infernal turkey frying terrorist contraption in our back yard, that is, but we’ll be sure to watch Meddling Janet’s video at least three times before we fire it up. We’re told that if we pass the test associated with it, we’ll get a gold HeimatsSchutzAbzeichnung to put on our nice, brown Ogabeshirt.
Seriously, though (but read the column first. You’ll love the bit about some NSDWP bint in Congress seriously proposing federal funding for the purchase of diapers for poor families, adult sizes included, we’re sure): What in the name of Henry V’s codpiece happened to this country?
It was bad enough when our nation’s cretinous infatuation with tort law forced producers of cutlery to include warnings about potential loss of eyesight if you used filleting knives to put in your contacts in the morning, but now we have to watch tax funds being wasted on the same? By a department allegedly formed to protect us against foreign terrorist threats, no less?
Is that what the people of this nation, present company obviously excluded, is yearning for? Because if it is, then we can tell them right up front that they won’t like the results one little bit, and we can tell them that because we, unlike them, have a very personal, decades-long experience with said end results from the time we were born until we managed to escape.
Having the government for a wet nurse is anything but “comforting”, because once mom and dad get done providing you with all of the nice things that you can’t be arsed with providing for yourself, they’ll start telling you all of the things that you can’t have no matter how much you want them because, well, their house, their rules. Dependency is very much a two-edged sword, but try to explain that to the likes of the whiny, self-indulgent, narcissistic, lazy little snots lounging around in the various and sundry ObamaVille rape camps infesting our nation with their pestilence these days.
They haven’t gotten past the “mom, dad, come wipe my bottom” stage and they’re not going to get off the potty until mom and dad tell them to wipe their own bloody arses either.
They’re the perpetually whiny little spoiled twerps who will moan and screech all day long about how mommy and daddy needs to give them everything they want and, at the same time, squeal like boiled pigs if mom and dad asks them to take out the trash at least once a month.
Newsflash, you daft twits: Mom and dad can’t keep wiping your butts for you, if nothing else they’ll eventually croak and leave you on your own, and then you’ll be right royally screwed, having learned no useful skills because of your pampered interminable infancy. That may be fine for you but, speaking as one of the “moms and dads” (that would be those of us actually holding down a job and paying the taxes needed for your upkeep), it doesn’t really work for us. Furthermore, since we’re not actually your moms and dads, we couldn’t possibly care less if you drown in your own filth and die off. If anything, those materials that your bodies are made of will finally, upon your long overdue demise, be put to some actual use. As food for higher (than you) life forms such as earth worms, beetles and maggots.
If you can’t give us a good reason as to why we, as a society, would be better of with you than without you, then don’t be surprised when we just stand back and watch you die off.
And if you think that you can force a Nanny State on the rest of us so you can continue to be the whiny little useless bitches that you are, then don’t be surprised if our ultimate reaction is a “rebellion” against our new federal “parents” that will make your pathetic camp-outs look like a mild note of disapproval and then, when we’re done with our “protest” against “parental authority”, we’ll pull your pestilent arses off of your potties and give you a lesson in tough love that you’ll never forget.
Or you could just take a bloody shower and go apply for a job already. It won’t kill you, you know, which is more than we can say for ourself.