Don’t You All Feel Safer Now?

Initially we thought that Ben Shapiro, that promising young chap with a writing style that we heartily endorse and enjoy, was having our Imperial Self on when he mentioned in his column this week that Nappy Ho Napolitano’s HeimatlandsSicherheitsAmt (yes, that really is “Department of Homeland Security” in the original German) had wasted G-d knows how much of our money “securing our homeland” by producing a video warning against the dangers of turkey fryers. But then we also know that Ben is quite particular about his research and it’s nowhere near April 1st, so we’ll take his word for it.

Speaking of his writing style, here’s a snippet:

The first object of government, wrote James Madison in Federalist Paper No. 10, was to protect the American people from deep turkey fryers. Oh, wait. That was Janet Napolitano, who this week had her Department of Homeland Security release a two-minute video highlighting the incredible danger to Homeland Security posed by these kettles of horror. “We recently tested several models of deep fat turkey fryers,” a bureaucratic-looking fellow wearing a hardhat tells the camera, “and find that this method of cooking can be very hazardous.” A man-made disaster, if you will.

Undoubtedly, the American people must be protected from the scourge of misused turkey fryers. If we burn ourselves on Thanksgiving dinner, the terrorists will have won.

The column isn’t really about Napolitano’s turkey of a PSA video, it’s about the continued infantilization of the American people under the Nanny State, but that only makes it even more worth reading and we recommend it heartily. We’ll still be here when you get back.

Unless we’ve blown ourself up with that infernal turkey frying terrorist contraption in our back yard, that is, but we’ll be sure to watch Meddling Janet’s video at least three times before we fire it up. We’re told that if we pass the test associated with it, we’ll get a gold HeimatsSchutzAbzeichnung to put on our nice, brown Ogabeshirt.

Seriously, though (but read the column first. You’ll love the bit about some NSDWP bint in Congress seriously proposing federal funding for the purchase of diapers for poor families, adult sizes included, we’re sure): What in the name of Henry V’s codpiece happened to this country?

It was bad enough when our nation’s cretinous infatuation with tort law forced producers of cutlery to include warnings about potential loss of eyesight if you used filleting knives to put in your contacts in the morning, but now we have to watch tax funds being wasted on the same? By a department allegedly formed to protect us against foreign terrorist threats, no less?

Is that what the people of this nation, present company obviously excluded, is yearning for? Because if it is, then we can tell them right up front that they won’t like the results one little bit, and we can tell them that because we, unlike them, have a very personal, decades-long experience with said end results from the time we were born until we managed to escape.

Having the government for a wet nurse is anything but “comforting”, because once mom and dad get done providing you with all of the nice things that you can’t be arsed with providing for yourself, they’ll start telling you all of the things that you can’t have no matter how much you want them because, well, their house, their rules. Dependency is very much a two-edged sword, but try to explain that to the likes of the whiny, self-indulgent, narcissistic, lazy little snots lounging around in the various and sundry ObamaVille rape camps infesting our nation with their pestilence these days.

They haven’t gotten past the “mom, dad, come wipe my bottom” stage and they’re not going to get off the potty until mom and dad tell them to wipe their own bloody arses either.

They’re the perpetually whiny little spoiled twerps who will moan and screech all day long about how mommy and daddy needs to give them everything they want and, at the same time, squeal like boiled pigs if mom and dad asks them to take out the trash at least once a month.

Newsflash, you daft twits: Mom and dad can’t keep wiping your butts for you, if nothing else they’ll eventually croak and leave you on your own, and then you’ll be right royally screwed, having learned no useful skills because of your pampered interminable infancy. That may be fine for you but, speaking as one of the “moms and dads” (that would be those of us actually holding down a job and paying the taxes needed for your upkeep), it doesn’t really work for us. Furthermore, since we’re not actually your moms and dads, we couldn’t possibly care less if you drown in your own filth and die off. If anything, those materials that your bodies are made of will finally, upon your long overdue demise, be put to some actual use. As food for higher (than you) life forms such as earth worms, beetles and maggots.

If you can’t give us a good reason as to why we, as a society, would be better of with you than without you, then don’t be surprised when we just stand back and watch you die off.

And if you think that you can force a Nanny State on the rest of us so you can continue to be the whiny little useless bitches that you are, then don’t be surprised if our ultimate reaction is a “rebellion” against our new federal “parents” that will make your pathetic camp-outs look like a mild note of disapproval and then, when we’re done with our “protest” against “parental authority”, we’ll pull your pestilent arses off of your potties and give you a lesson in tough love that you’ll never forget.

Or you could just take a bloody shower and go apply for a job already. It won’t kill you, you know, which is more than we can say for ourself.



  1. 1
    LC Xystus growls and barks:

    It won’t kill you, you know, which is more than we can say for ourself.

    Interesting way of putting it.

  2. 2
    Elephant Man growls and barks:

    But…but…but turkey fryers are vats of molten death!

    Danger of Turkey Fryers

    Never mind you’d have to be dumber then a democrat box of rocks to actually hurt yourself.

    On the other hand, I imagine being drunk while operating one of those death-dealing machines could be a recipe for disaster… 😀

  3. 3
    Igor, Imperial Booby growls and barks:

    Hot oil + moist raw turkey + open flame = Darwin Award recipient.

    Some people just can’t handle equations, I guess. :em05:

  4. 4
    LC George, Apocryphal Prophet growls and barks:

    I can’t imagine how the .gov could produce anything better than the State Farm/William Shatner videos.

  5. 5
    LC Grammar Czar, G.L.O.R. growls and barks:

    Anyone remember when W. was in office, all we would hear from the leftards was how we were losing our rights? That the Patriot Act would record every book we ever read, tap every phone call we ever made, track every purchase we ever made?

    Funny how when they are “in charge,” they don’t seem to see the encroaching nanny state. I guess they still think they will be part of the ruling party. :em05:

  6. 6
    Hvy Gunner 0331 growls and barks:

    This evening we gather at a neighbor’s for the annual turkey fry… There will be something like 10 turkeys fried throughout the day…
    … And we’ll drink *gasp* alcohol!
    … And eat food with REAL SUGAR *oh noes!*
    … And talk about GUNS *horrors*!
    … And, even worse, we’ll engage in civil debate, without the ad hominum attacks, and figure out how to better our community *stop the presses*!

    But we’re just small town folk who cling to our guns and our bibles, apparently.

  7. 7
    LC Random Numbers growls and barks:

    LC George, Apocryphal Prophet @ #:
    How much do you want to bet the Shatner video, produced by a private company to protect their assets, cost significantly less than the government video?

  8. 8
    BigDogg growls and barks:

    We are so far through the looking glass, I doubt we’ll ever find our way back.

  9. 9
    LC Light29ID growls and barks:

    Igor, Imperial Booby @ #:

    Hot oil + moist raw turkey + open flame + lots of beer, Beam, Jack and Morgan + guns + irritating fucking in-laws + two dogs fucking = ONE HELL’VA REDNECK THANKSGIVING

    :em01: :em01: :em01: :em01:

  10. 10
    lc purple raider growls and barks:

    “The right doesn’t need the left to subsidize its agenda; the left needs the right to subsidize its agenda.”

    Nailed it in one.

  11. 11
    Virago growls and barks:

    Having to pass by the Occupy Santa Cruz morons Monday to get to an appointment, I can only say the Homeland Security is missing the opportunity to actually to something to improve safety by allowing them to continue on. What a lazy bunch. They were all sitting around in a drum circle (all 20 of them that I could see) to lazy even to hold onto their moranic signs which were propped up against a wall. Then Iater I read this….
    Hazmat team called to clean up 200lbs of human shit behind the Veterans Building

    Janet, bring a shovel, thats is a bigger threat to human safety than any damn turkey.

  12. 12
    LC Spare Parts growls and barks:

    Deep frying a Thanksgiving Turkey is a travesty. This bird is traditionally Roasted. It just is not done. That is to say, frying is on a par with that horrid canned cranberry jelly, having become as ubiquitous as green bean and onion casserole. So fry it on any other day. But on this Thanksgiving Day, exhibit a little class. I just put a premier Riesling in the chiller for our feast.
    And don’t forget to pick up the new edition of Jayne’s Fighting Relatives for the holidays.

  13. 13
    angrywebmaster growls and barks:

    I’ve never tried a deep fried Turkey. I do enjoy the news stories each year about how people manage to set their houses on fire.

    Question: Is there a Rottie pool on how many houses, garages and other assorted items of property will be torched this year by the deadly “Fried Turkey?” If not, is it to late to start one?


    Follow the link I’m leaving please. A business owner has signs in his trucks saying he isn’t hiring until Obama is gone.

  14. 14
    Elephant Man growls and barks:

    LC Spare Parts @ #:

    I’m with you.

    Got me a case of beer and a monster turkey ready to go.

    Throw the bird in the oven around 10 AM and by kick off of the first game, there should be enough juices to begin basting.

    Baste during every commercial break and get a fresh beer.

    By the time the second game is underway, I’ll be ready to initiate Operation Stuff Face followed by Project Recliner Lounge. 😀

  15. 15
    The Watcher growls and barks:

    Well, that puts the kibosh on the brand new turkey fryer I was going to get Nappy for Christmas. She’s probably put me on a Watch List if I sent it.

    Unless I send it, ‘Love, Big O’.

  16. 16
    Sir Fresh Sign growls and barks:

    daughter home from college, just got home from a short work day..girls watching GhostHunters.. and on comes a commercial…. shows Obama and footage of his innaug.. IT’S A FREAKING COMMERCIAL FOR CHIAOBAMA.. plant seeds on his head and it grows a green fro.. it seemed like a spoof, but seemed pretty serious in the end..



  17. 17
    AgTiger growls and barks:

    Off topic, but worth watching: ‘Company Policy: We are not hiring until Obama is gone’

  18. 18
    LC TerribleTroy growls and barks:

    Chia pet has a “grow obama a natural”? Now thats funny.

  19. 19
    Sir Fresh Sign growls and barks:

    Troy, the commercial came on suddenly and it seemed like a Saturday Night Live skit or something.. but i just checked google:

    THERE IS THE FREAKING COMMERCIAL ..sounds like The Onion



  20. 20
    lc purple raider growls and barks:

    Chia pet has a “grow obama a natural”?

    What I would like to know is: Will using kidney-filtered beer grow that particular Chia Pet?