We’re Well and Truly Fucked

“Perry Implodes”, the Hot Flatus headline breathlessly proclaimed and, let’s be perfectly honest here, it wouldn’t be the first time he said something daft on stage (remember the “heartless” comment?), so we clicked on it, wondering just what horribly misstatement he’d just made.

And it turned out to be him not remembering, in the middle of an answer, the name of the third government agency he wanted to shut down. Or something. It wasn’t really all that clear. Perhaps if we’d had a habit of actually watching those American Idol “debates” always moderated by individuals openly hostile to everybody on stage, but we don’t.

Everything else he says, also known as “the meat of his answer”, is perfectly conservative and centered on how you make businesses succeed (which, to you 99%er morons, means “creating jobs”), which is to make it profitable for them to do so, not to mention not doing everything you can to strangle them in red tape and environmental regulations based entirely on liberal religious beliefs.

But that means nothing. He lost his train of thought for a second there and forgot the name of a government agency, so obviously the guy with the great hair who loves nationalized healthcare, the individual mandate, glowball wormening, ethanol subsidies, gun control and abortion (depending on which day of the week you ask him) is The Only Choice For America™.

The problem is, we’re afraid that Allahpundit is absolutely right. We might as well abolish primaries and elections entirely and just start choosing presidents based on their score on Jeopardy.

Should Perry have had that name ready? Well, sure it would be helpful to his delivery, but somehow we think that he, were he president, might actually be able to remember it. But obviously you’re not fit to be president in today’s America unless you can accurately name every splinter of your platform in ten seconds or less if kicked out of bed at 3 am.

Honestly: How many of you, dear LCs and GLORs have ever found yourself in the middle of an answer trying to find the right word? Does this mean that you don’t know it? Does that mean that you no longer believe what you believe? Have you ever found yourself, in the middle of saying something, saying “where the hell was I?” or “what’s that name again?”

We know that we have.

Let’s take an example. Let’s say that we were saying “we believe that he only way to shut down terrorism against Israel is to drop the hammer on Hamas, the PLO and, fuck, what’s the name of that other group…” Does that mean that we’d suddenly become supporters of Hezbollah or that we’re not really all that opposed to Hezbollah or even “unserious” in our opposition to them?

If you think so, please visit the Imperial Palace and say it to our face.

But Allahpundit is probably right anyway. We’re a nation of instant gratification fools and fuckheads who will happily dismiss an otherwise perfect performance of Handel’s Messiah if one of the soloists botched a high C in one of the arias.

Please note, again, the rest of Perry’s very precise answer as opposed to Reversible Mittens’ (thanks, Deej, I really love that one) boiler plate pablum utterly devoid of specifics.

So what’s your specific plan, Mittens? Oh? You haven’t had it focus polled yet?

Well, that’s alright. At least you didn’t botch an answer and you have fabulous hair.

We’re fucked.

We’re well and truly fucked. Stock up on ammo and durable goods.


P.S.: And allow us to add, we had a moment where we really liked Ron Paul in that clip. It was when Perry turned to him, obviously having the name of that third bloated, useless agency on the tip of his tongue and Ron said that it was five agencies with a smile. See? That’s being a competitor without being an arsehole, unlike Mittens the Dem-Lite who was just standing there with his trademark smirk.


  1. 1
    Darth Venomous growls and barks:

    If you think so, please visit the Imperial Palace and say it to our face.

    Hey!!! 🙂

  2. 2
    Emperor Misha I growls and barks:

    Darth Venomous says:


    Mheh. Can’t beat that line, so I borrowed it 🙂

  3. 3
    LC Grammar Czar, G.L.O.R. growls and barks:

    Honestly: How many of you, dear LCs and GLORs have ever found yourself in the middle of an answer trying to find the right word? Does this mean that you don’t know it?

    OMG…I have taught English composition for umpteen years. My favorite rhetorical strategy is comparison/contrast. Most time I could teach it in my sleep (my students would probably say that I DID). But one day, I was getting ready to teach, and boom…it was gone…all of it. I didn’t have a CLUE what I was saying. It was a temporary brain fart, and we all got a big kick out of it. My students got a day off, and we just picked it up the next time. So,yeah, it happens.

    I don’t really care whether the candidates can “debate,” or whether they have facts instantly at their disposal. The successful and effective person knows what he doesn’t know and acts accordingly..usually by surrounding himself with those who DO know.

  4. 4
    jdog43 growls and barks:

    I held my nose and supported that limp dick McCain but there is no way I will support Romney. I’ll sit it out or vote 3rd party.

  5. 5
    LC Draco growls and barks:

    I think he needed a teleprompter. I saw the clip and Ron Paul slapped Perry with a clue bat!!

    And I am with Grammar Czar….I taught the military decision making process (MDMP) for years, then one day..BAM…I completely lost my train of thought. It does happen! But at least I had the PowerPoint presentation to get me back on track. So I was only confused for about 10 seconds, but it was a weird feeling!

  6. 6
    LC George, Apocryphal Prophet growls and barks:

    Actually it would be kind of cool to have special editions of Jeopardy!.

    Mandatory question categories: The Constitution, American History, Recent World History

    Put the candidates up there and make them work those buzzers.

  7. 7
    Igor, Imperial Booby growls and barks:

    Look, Brain Farts/Amnesia happens to EVERYbody, it’s just that this time it was on National TV. Pressure makes it more prevalent.

    Look how we’re slamming Obambi about the “57 states” remark… (Although, come to think of it, maybe it was a Freudian slip in Teh Won’s case…)

    And although I don’t like Perry (I’d rather take a bath in Sheep Dip), his campaign isn’t “dead” as everybody is crowing. C’mon.

  8. 8
    LC Xealot growls and barks:

    If Cain gets torpedoed by this allegation thing, and if Perry just torpedoed himself with this comment…

    I’ve got to vote Ron Paul. I hate his foreign policy, but fucking HELL… I despise Romney. I’d punch him in the face just to mess up his damned perma-hair.

    The real lesson, here, is to say nothing of substance ever.

    However, I do think Perry has poor speaking skills, and I think his immigration record is sketchy at best. But fuck it all, I’d take him over Romney in a heartbeat. To me the primary is “Romney” and “Not-Romney.”

  9. 9
    AyUaxe growls and barks:

    I never thought I would say this, but this Nation can survive, thrive, and be safe, despite Ron Paul’s isolationist foreign policies; we can’t thrive and may not survive (as a nation) most of the other candidates’ domestic policies and weak characters.

    I’ll still support Cain, so long as he’s viable, but RP has come up substantially in my esteem, mostly ’cause the need to excise the unconstitutional tumors in the imperial federal gummint has also become more imperative. Three agencies, even if the unnamed third was the IRS, is not enough.

  10. 10
    Mark12A growls and barks:

    And when Il Douche is in public without the Teleprompter in Chief, he routinely opens his mouth and delivers an oratorical turd. But never mind that. Here’s a thought: Instead of having elections, just have voting a la “American Idol” where a vote will cost you a buck. We can elect candidates based of their attractiveness since most people in this country are simply to stupid to know when they are taking it up the glory hole from their government. The revenue generated could either pay off the national debt, or conversely, give liberals, democrats, progressives, stalinists, socialists, and the other pedophiles a new source of money to spend on whatever dumbass notion crosses their flawed little brains.

  11. 11
    emily_nelson growls and barks:

    Disqualifying a candidate because he lost his train of thought is pedantry at its finest. All of this pettifoggery is done to enable mittens to win the primary, so that once again Obambi will be elected, even though he is the worst president and presidential candidate ever.