OK, it’s Official: Bloomberg IS Now Competing with The Onion

We suspected it a bit when they ran Alter’s column praising Ogabe because his administration alone has been unique by being “scandal free.”

Sorry, we have to take a break. That one still makes us laugh hysterically… BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

There, all better now.

Anyway, where were we? Oh yes, Alter’s Alternate Reality Column and our suspicions that Bloomberg was becoming a satire site. One swallow does not a spring make (unless it’s one heck of a bird), but now we have Jeffrey Goldberg, who also works for the Atlantic which, prior to becoming a home for gay gossip and conspiracy theories about Sarah Palin’s womb, was actually a respectable publication, telling us at great and utterly imbecilic length how Barrack Hussein Ogabe is really the one who will save Eretz Yisroel from Iranian nuclear destruction. No, seriously.

He starts off with the predictable boiler plate, understanding and agreeing fully with Israel that a nuclear Iran is unacceptable to Israel BUT that they really can’t do anything about it and that it would be a terrible mistake for them to try. As opposed to the somewhat more terrible mistake, if you ask us, of doing nothing at all and just waiting for the nuke to drop.

And yet, a preemptive Israeli attack on Iran’s nuclear facilities could be a grievous mistake. For one thing, it may already be too late. The Iranians may have dispersed and hardened their nuclear program to the point that an Israeli strike would do only glancing damage.

The typical moronic “do nothing” approach to emerging threats so very common among whiny little liberal girls: Let’s pretend the problem doesn’t exist and, if pressed, state that any action is “premature” and “needlessly aggressive” until we reach the point where procrastinating has rendered the threat “too difficult to do anything about.”

Ask Patton’s ghost. The people of the former Soviet Union might have enjoyed an extra 5 decades of not being slaves if the entire western world hadn’t sat on their hands for long enough to make the Soviet Union a threat strong enough to make kicking their arses a prohibitively expensive undertaking. Thankfully, Reagan found a way around that without firing a shot, something that liberals will hate him for until eternity.

Or how about Chamberlain and his merry band of “let’s just wait and see but let’s not be beastly to the Hun” appeasers? If the west had put their foot down when Adolf marched into the Rheinland, tens of millions of people would have had a chance to live and watch their grandkids grow up but no. Instead they sat on their doffs until Germany had grown strong enough that they could start arguing that going up against them would be too hard.

But we digress.

Where Goldberg gets really, really funny is when he starts making the argument that Ogabe the Redeemer is Israel’s Only Hope:

Which brings us to the single most important player in this drama: President Barack Obama. He has said, repeatedly, that an Iran with nuclear weapons is unacceptable to the U.S.

The day we start paying attention to and attaching any credibility to anything the Liar-in-Chief says is the day you can pull the plug, tie a tag to our big toe and roll us off to the morgue.

Many Israelis, and many Americans, think Obama is soft on such matters.

We can’t imagine why. After all, he “has to deal with” listening to Bibi “every day.”

But I believe,

That and a blurry picture of a UFO will get you a nice poster you can hang on your wall to declare your love of The X-Files.

based on interviews inside and outside the White House, that he would consider using force — missile strikes, mainly — to stop the Iranians from crossing the nuclear threshold. Why? Four reasons:

Oh, we have a feeling that this is going to get good

First, Iran and the U.S. have been waging a three- decade war for domination of the Middle East. If Iran goes nuclear, it will have won this war. American power in the Middle East will have been eclipsed, and Obama will look toothless.

More than he does already? More toothless than his courageous stand against paleosimian terrorist murderers where he insisted that any agreement would have to start with Israel going back to their 1967 borders? That would be quite an achievement. But you’re right, Jeffrey, of course he can’t allow himself to appear weak. The entire MFM would swarm over him like flies on shit to make fun of him if he did.

Sorry, we have to take a brief laugh break again.

Second, every U.S. ally in the Middle East — Israel, the Gulf countries and Turkey, especially — fears a nuclear Iran. The president would have their complete support.

Oh yes. Sure they would. They’d be trumpeting their support of an attack on Iran all the live long day! Heck, even Karzai might take a minute or two from swearing to stand by Pakistan in a conflict between it and the U.S. to applaud the infidel attack upon a muslim nation, no doubt about it!

Third, the president is ideologically committed to a world without nuclear weapons.

If only he were even remotely practically committed to it as well which, based on his record of inaction, is very much in doubt. But bloody hell, His Imperial Majesty is “ideologically committed” to a world where money grows on trees, war is a word you have to look up in the dictionary on the rare occasions that you even hear it mentioned and the average IQ of Hollywood actors is in the double digits.

So surely that’s about to come to pass too.

If Iran gets the bomb, it will set off an arms race in the world’s most volatile region. At the very least, Saudi Arabia and Turkey will seek nuclear weapons. It would mark a bitter defeat for Obama to have inadvertently overseen the greatest expansion of the nuclear arms club in recent history.

“Inadvertently?” Inaction in the face of obvious threats is not a virtue, nor does it make any further growth of that threat on your watch “inadvertent” and, so far, inaction is all that we’ve got from the Pissypants-in-Chief. Inaction is also an action. So if he’s really as concerned about this as you seem to “believe” that he is, he’s several years late.

Finally, the president has a deep understanding of Jewish history,

No… Please… Make it stop… We can’t stand it… BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

UNCLE, already, you vicious sexual abuser of maternal units! We can’t stand it!

and is repulsed by Iranian anti-Semitism. He doesn’t want to be remembered as the president who failed to guarantee Israel’s existence.


No, please, we can’t stand it anymore, you’re killing us here!

So, seriously, what’s the new name for Bloomberg going to be?

Bloombergin’ Onion?

Don’t keep us in suspense. Please tell us.

You’re a laff a minnit, mate, we can tell you that much.



  1. 1
    LC MaxMomFl growls and barks:

    I am now of the opinion that the disgusting creature known as Obama has a strong enough hold on the weak-minded American Idol voters to get re-certified as Destroyer in Chief. I believe that we are at the end of our run as a once great republic and will become an unimportant bureaucratic slave to the new power elites. In the meantime, Iran and their supporters will attack Israel and it will be end game. I am not a person who chases end-time prophesies and looks for Armageddon scenarios. Revelation is a complicated book. I have always just focused on the now and whether I’m doing what I should be and let God sort out the rest. But, things have changed. In my lifetime, we have gone from a strong force for good to a mealy-mouthed slave to the world system. In my lifetime the general greed and corruption of the human heart has overtaken the virtuous ideals. The determination to hold truth, liberty and justice dear has all but vanished from the American cultural presence. I am only glad my dear mother was able to go to Heaven before the final curtain. I weep for America. I loved America. I am in mourning.

  2. 2

    LC MaxMomFl: Don’t give up. That’s how Satan wins.

  3. 3
    LC Xealot growls and barks:

    The one bright spot in this (and I’m a pessimist by nature, so pay attention to this one): The military is still substantially on our side of the political fence. Now I’m not calling for a revolution here, but I suspect as dumb as the Left might be… they have to know they can’t piss on the military TOO much without some kind of reaction. I think this creates at least SOME counter-balance to a second Obama term, if, God forbid, it actually happens. Fact of the matter is, if there were some kind of Civil War in our long-term future, the Left would lose handily, and it knows that. Furthermore, he can’t let Israel go completely down the toilet just yet… and he has to know that too.

    Sometimes I think that’s all that’s holding us back from Obama turning Dictator.

    As for the original post… riiiiight. I heard on the radio yesterday they were considering Sanctions. Seriously. People wave around this fucking magic sanction word as if anybody, anywhere, gives a shit.

  4. 4
    LC Subotai Bahadur, Lord Pao An growls and barks:

    My Liege,

    And yet, a preemptive Israeli attack on Iran’s nuclear facilities could be a grievous mistake. For one thing, it may already be too late. The Iranians may have dispersed and hardened their nuclear program to the point that an Israeli strike would do only glancing damage.

    The quoted concept only holds if the yield of the ordnance involved is measured in pounds and tons. When Israel is pushed to the wall, caught between the rock of Iran, and the hard place of the SCOAMF; that condition may well not obtain. If the yield is measured in kilotons, there is a simple and elegant solution. Actually, there is a set of them, depending on how much the Israeli government goes with the concept of “in for a penny, in for a pound”. Back when I was putting out my daily email newsletter [9/11/2001- 8/2008] I would occasionally go 10-7 with my Gentle Readers for a few weeks and work on specific topics, and come back with 30-50k word monstrosities I dubbed “Special Projects”. Yes, I have been a wordy bastard for a long time.

    One was an examination of the methods, means, and capabilities of Israel to deal with Iranian threats conclusively. Another involved a similar problem dealing with the entire Ummah. As I said, both solutions are simple and elegant. They involve a surprising economy of force, leverage structural issues within Islamic societies, and are actually ways of granting them what they say that they wish for. A number of the great and not so great powers would be mickle-pissed at Israel, but they would retain the capability to make any counter-action inordinately expensive. I am pretty sure that besides being dubbed a “nasty little Oriental” by an acquaintance whose day job then included analyzing various contingency scenarios, while we were devising a such a scenario, [and I pointed out that I am just a hair under 6′ tall]; that I have neither the resources nor the motivation of Zahal. I suspect I was plowing ground that they had been over.

    Some of the LC’s have seen these Special Projects.

    I am not of the Judeo-Christian faith family, but “Boots and Saddles” is sounding for 4 Horsemen to mount up soon in the Middle East. Another thought. If you are fighting fair, your tactics suck.

    #1 LC MaxMomFl

    Obama has a strong enough hold on the weak-minded American Idol voters to get re-certified as Destroyer in Chief.

    If such happens, then I suspect that electoral politics will no longer be the focus for quite a while, since they will likely be suspended or modified as if by the late Kniaz Grigori Potemkin. They will not return until we as a country have walked through the fire. Let us say that such suspension or alteration will focus the mind wonderfully. And the anxiety of uncertainty over what to do will be resolved.

    Be Thou then truly Resolved ……

    LC Subotai Bahadur, Lord Pao An

  5. 5
    LC Jackboot IC/A growls and barks:

    LC Xealot says:

    I heard on the radio yesterday they were considering Sanctions.

    Ohhhh Noooooseyss…..not those horrid sanctions once again! Of course Russia and China are already banging their sippy cups against even thinking of those, so it will never happen (again) that the Turtle Bay Turds™ will buck those places. Better to fuck the US and Eretz Yisrael, than annoy in the slightest the most egregiously self-interested and vicious, dictators, tyrants, socialists and communists. They are so much more enlightened than silly democratic systems.

  6. 6
    readerjp growls and barks:

    I believe this author previously wrote a piece like this, or maybe it’s the same one, for NY magazine. Something entitled “Why Obama is the Best Thing for the Jews.” My jaw dropped when I saw it.

  7. 7
    AyUaxe growls and barks:

    While I know I’m gonna deeply and thoroughly enjoy seeing the terrified, cowering looks on the 52ers’ when reality finally hits them in the gut, I’m not much looking forward to the shitstorm their idiocy has already unleashed on all of us. Those of us with a clue will likely prevail or at least be able to get some of our family and friends through, so there will be an opportunity for some good, healthy derisive laughter, but I fear it will be around a campfire in a pretty f’d up, ruined world. It will take a while yet for this reality to happen, because the U.S. and the west generally have created such a massive, robust support system for themselves; but the 52ers have no appreciation of that and have over-extended the “support system” to the point of breaking. I think we’ve passed the tipping point, because there are now enough dependent 52er-esque voters to block any significant reform of gummint. Look at the GOP, if you can through the tears–they’re so far off the rails they provide little or no hope of defeating the most feckless and incompetent of political oponents.

    Given the U.S. situation, I deeply fear for our friends, particularly Israel, whose borders are essentially indefensible, absent superpower support. Lord Pao An is on target, as always.

    Waitaminit–this post is a fisking of a Bloomberg article and an Atlantic Mouthbreather Monthly author? WTF, that’s really just too easy!

  8. 8
    LC Draco growls and barks:

    LC Subotai…..

    I learned a LONG time ago, there is no such thing as a fair fight!!! The only ones that get to write the history are the victorious!!

  9. 9
    VonZorch Imperial Researcher growls and barks:

    My definition of a fair fight is, one I open with a surprise strike to the back of my opponents head with an implement such as a crowbar or axe.

  10. 10

    One swallow does not a spring make

    No but it does make for a helluva first date! :em01: :em05:

    Sorry, that just jumped off the page at me and I couldn’t resist. I’ll go back and read the whole thing in all sobriety and seriousness now.

  11. 11
    irish19 growls and barks:

    LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E. @ #:
    It does indeed! ROTFLMFAO!!!!

  12. 12
    readerjp growls and barks:


    A top commander in Iran’s Revolutionary Guard force has threatened to kill “dozens” of American military commanders, should the U.S. kill any one of theirs, the Associated Press reported Tuesday, November 8. “You also should not forget that American commanders have plenty of presence and travel in the region. If you kill any of us, we will kill dozens of you,” Gen. Amir Ali Hajizadeh, chief of the Guards’ aerospace division, was quoted by the Iranian Fars news agency as saying. Meanwhile, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad warned the United States would “regret” any confrontation with Iran. “If America wants to confront the Iranian nation, it will certainly regret the Iranian nation’s response,” Ahmadinejad said. “If you think by pressuring the Iranian nation, you can change the situation in the world, you are very much mistaken.” In a report due out this week, the U.N.’s atomic watchdog is expected to provide compelling evidence that Iran is secretly developing a nuclear arms capability.

  13. 13
    Mark12A growls and barks:

    LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E. @ #:

    Be careful. If you run for president, someone will call this sexually offensive. You might be up for a Caining.

    But it was funny…