Birth Certificate Update

Yes. We know that you’re all dying to hear about that subject again and we, being ever the benevolent Emperor, cannot deny your wishes, no matter how much you’ve never actually expressed them, so let’s get to it.

As you may know, the newly elected Governor Abercrombie (now with less Fitch) of Hawaii started out his office by proclaiming that he was going to produce the long form Ogabe birth certificate to finally shut those awful “Birthers” up, something that we found quite sensible. Years ago when the subject originally came up. Why not lay the subject to rest so we could all get on with our lives? But we’re accustomed to long wait periods where sporadic displays of common sense among liberals is concerned, so we weren’t going to bother mocking him for taking years to finally come up with that self-evident solution.

We mean, it was so brilliantly self-evident that even that drooling old brain-dead alkie, Chris Matthews, thought it was a splendid idea!

In the next installment, Governor Abercrombie (where’s Fitch?) declared that they couldn’t find the certificate because, we don’t know, the dog ate it or something.

Apparently that was too stupid an excuse, even for a member of the stupidity-based community like Abercrombie (Fitch was indisposed) to use, so now it’s back to “sure, it’s there, but we’re prohibited by law from publishing it” which, for those of you still keeping score, was the original argument back when the question first came up.

Allahpundit sums it up as follows:

Three theories. One: The Birthers are right and it’s all a big cover-up, and somehow someone in the White House forgot to mention to the incoming Democratic governor of Hawaii, who, by the way, has known Obama since he was an infant, “Pssst — don’t mention the birth certificate.” Seems … unlikely. Two: Abercrombie secretly hates Obama for whatever reason and concocted this whole scheme in order to make the birth certificate thing seem even more suspicious. He co-opted the conspiracy theory to serve his own ends! Crafty. But there’s … no evidence. Three: The guy’s a total moron. At this point, highly likely and plenty of evidence. That’s the one I’m going with, although I’m open to persuasion.

…and then there’s door number four, but we didn’t expect Allahpundit to stumble into it since, obviously, the only rational answer to the whole issue is that there is absolutely nothing whatsoever there. Something that flies in the face of the common-sense conclusion that nobody goes to great time and expense to hide something unless there is something to hide but, hey, we all know that to say that would be the same as stating categorically that the certificate will conclusively prove that Ogabe is a space alien trying to eat our children, and guess who that wouldn’t benefit? Romney, that’s who.

Seriously, though. The “rational” actors on the right who claim to know, for absolutely certain, that there is nothing embarrassing whatsoever about a document that they’ve never seen yet is, for some utterly innocent reason, being guarded more closely than the nuclear football, are no less idiotic than the ones who claim to know, for equally absolutely certain, that said document will prove that Ogabe was born in Kenya.

Door number four? We’re glad you asked. Governor Abercrombie (Fitch? Come back, Fitch!) couldn’t possibly imagine that there might be something to hide in the document that Team Ogabe have been doing everything in their power to hide for years now. Most likely because he, like Allahpundit, had convinced himself that nothing short of proof that he was born in Kenya was worth hiding, and he was sure that wasn’t true.

So he, armed with the powers of a Governor, manages to get a hold of the document and discovers that, oops, there actually was a reason that one document had suddenly become one of the Most Important Secrets of Our Nation. What that was, we have no fucking clue. We haven’t seen it but, again, we have never ever in our life seen anybody spend that many resources on hiding something that didn’t need hiding.

So he tried to re-bury the corpse he’d himself exhumed, possibly with some gentle goading from the Ogabe White House, by using the old, tried-and-failed excuse of “oops, dog ate my homework.”

Then he realized that that one, seeing as how it doesn’t even convince a second grade teacher and never has, reverted to where it all started, namely that “sure it exists, but the law keeps us from making it public”, which is a non-excuse since even a retard like Abercrombie (alas, poor Fitch, I knew him well) would have known that right from the very beginning.

The only problem with our fourth option is that it makes sense, and that’s not something you’re allowed to make under The New Civility™.

But, then again, what do we know? Unlike civil and impartial observers like Allahpundit we don’t have an actual background in analyzing data.

Thatisall.

20 comments

  1. 1
    LC PrimEviL growls and barks:

    You don’t expect them to admit that it’s not there, do you?
    Some recollections:
    Item 1: Kenyan newspaper prints article with headline declaring “Kenyan-born Obama heads to Senate”.
    that webpage has since disappeared.

    Item 2: Obama’s Kenyan Grandmother tells Missionary she was present at Obama’s birth in Kenya.
    She has since recanted.

    Item 3: Obama told students in a European venue, he was born in Kenya.
    This was ignored.

    Item 4: Michell Obama stated that Barak was born in Kenya.
    Also ignored.

    Item 5: Barak has spent millions to prevent disclosure of his birth certificate.
    Why?

    Item 6. Innocent people have been convicted of heinous crimes on less circumstantial evidence.

  2. 2
    LC Jackboot IC/A growls and barks:

    The only problem with our fourth option is that it makes sense, and that’s not something you’re allowed to make under The New Civility™.

    Yep. The only answer in this old debate that makes sense. If Ogabe was so intent on hiding this document, that incredible resources were used to suppress it, why not just wipe it out and all traces that it ever existed?

    Corpora Delicti and such.

  3. 3
    LC SleepTech: growls and barks:

    Why don’t we let Obambi settle the dispute once and for all in HIS OWN FUCKING WORDS!!!!!

    Believe it or not, HE SAID IT!

  4. 4
    LC SleepTech: growls and barks:

    ‘Nuther Linky

  5. 5
    LC SleepTech: growls and barks:

    How about some affirmation from his wife, the First Sasquatch…

  6. 6
    LC SleepTech: growls and barks:

    Nope. I ain’t gonna apologize for the multi-posts either. Been quiet for a while. Had to let some comment steam off. :em03:

  7. 7
    AyUaxe growls and barks:

    All indications are that there is nothing there that could not have been put there after <0's birth in Kenya or Indonesia or Hawaii or anywhere at all. Not that there's anything wrong with ex post facto birth registration–kids did and occasionally do get born at home or other remote locations. The rub is <0's fraud of claiming he's satisfied the requirements of the Constitution, when he has not produced the evidence to do so. Remember, when questioned, McLame did produce the evidence–and it was a whole lot older than '60's vintage. On the speculative end, I still think that the Hawaii Birth Certificate probably exists, but designates <0 as "White". Only <0 and his racist cadres would really care.

  8. 8
    T growls and barks:

    Guys, Guys, Guys…. (and Gals) – who gives a square millimeter of cucumber fungus if buckwheat was born in the US or not? What’s the alternative?

    If buckwheat is thrown out because he ain’t a bona-fidde actual real honest-ta-gudness absolute unwashed American citizen…

    We get that galactic-class asshole Biden as POTUS.

    This is a TRUUULY frightening thought… Eh?

  9. 9
    Grammar Czar growls and barks:

    T says:

    Guys, Guys, Guys…. (and Gals) – who gives a square millimeter of cucumber fungus if buckwheat was born in the US or not? What’s the alternative?
    If buckwheat is thrown out because he ain’t a bona-fidde actual real honest-ta-gudness absolute unwashed American citizen…
    We get that galactic-class asshole Biden as POTUS.
    This is a TRUUULY frightening thought… Eh?

    Not so sure that’s true…maybe it would invalidate the election, and John Boehner would step in, now that’s he’s Speaker.

  10. 10
    Iacobus growls and barks:

    If there is nothing to hide, then why hide it? It’s kind of like how we’re not allowed to see Obama’s college records: Because we know already how much of a radical he is and his college record would only underscore it.

    Damn, if this was Bush (which I was NOT a huge fan of, other than his ability to fight the war on terror), liberals would be screaming, “CONSPIRACY!111!!!11!!”

    The irony is rich.

  11. 11
    ZeektheCruel growls and barks:

    Ya know…I have to admit I have never hung much hope on this argument and I certainly have not paid that much attention to it. But, there are a couple of things that are starting to make me say “hmmm…”

    First, there is this thing about the state of Hawaii having a law to keep this record “private” because to do otherwise would be an invasion of privacy. It is part of the public record right? How the hell does that happen logically. I mean, the tax payers of Hawaii (both Republican and Democrat have paid to provide that record). It’s not “his”. It belongs to the state. And, lets face it, if it was not fishy, it would have been released a long time ago. Something is not right with this picture.

    Secondly, the no record thing may be the case simply because I cannot imagine any government agency being:

    A) this cohesive in their defense (i.e SOMEONE would have sneaked a copy out by now…hell not all of them are loyal to this guy) and
    B) this competent at it regardless (most government agencies can’t keep a secret from a local high school news paper). So, I’m figuring the accusation that it is a smoke screen to hide the fact it doesn’t exist is at least plausible in the absence of negating evidence. Of course that doesn’t prove anything…it just says it could be the case.

    Third, G-d forbid it did actually come to light that he was not born in the US. What happens next? I have this feeling it would be shrugged off. We (as a nation…no commentary on this group of peers) have already proven we’ll just opt to not obey laws we don’t like. Hell, look at the illegal immigration situation. But, what are the implications if we don’t? And, what happens if it results in a legal process that nullifies the election? You’d possibly see riots the like this country never even thought were possible! If you thought the leftoids were a pain in the ass after 2000, wait for this shoe to drop.

    For my part, I’m an “error on the side of truth” kind of guy. So, if it turns out President Obama was not a valid candidate (and is in violation of the Constitution), we determine that and then figure out what to do about it. I think that leads to impeachment and a request for removal. I don’t think you let someone walk away with a win after playing dirty pool. But, at this stage, it would be painful.

  12. 12
    LC MuscleDaddy growls and barks:

    I think the Birth Certificate thing is like Area 51 – a thing maintained with high levels of secrecy and security for no other purpose than to distract from some real secret somewhere else.

    As long as everyone’s focused on the ‘hidden’ Birth Certificate, no one will think to realize that he’s actually…

    a REALLY ugly woman!!!

    Didn’t see that comin’, didja?

    – MD

  13. 13
    LC TerribleTroy growls and barks:

    @ Zeek. You are correct. Any attempt to remove the guy from office would ignite rioting. So I to am willing to let the issue be as long as there are legislative steps taken to ensure that this question never raises its ugly head again.

    As far as Biden being POTUS…. Shit, at this point I’de take him over Obama.

  14. 14

    Again, without any further statement on this part, IF his father was in fact who he claims, he is NOT a “natural born citizen” under the definition of Article 2, section 1, para 5. If he was fraudulently elected, (IF?!?! BWAHAHAHAHA!) then his being proven inelegible would immediately “null and void” any and every article he has signed since installation. Not as a Senator, but in position as POTUS.

  15. 15
    LC Sir Rurik, K.o.E. growls and barks:

    If it transpires that he is in fact ineligible, but we choose to ignore or paper over that fact for operant reason, because we are terrified of an idiot with a loud mouth and hairplugs, or because we are held hostage by the threat that 12.5% of the population would riot … think of those impications. It means that any unprincipled political machine has an infallible way of maintaining dictatorial rule to infinity. It also would be another precedent and incentive for them to try the same sort of end run again. Everyone thought it would be no big deal that Linda Sanchez was allowed to steal the election from Bob Dornan in 1996; in fact it was the first test run for the modern ACORN strategy. The GOPpers thought they could afford to sacrifice one of their own brasher members. We’ve been paying the price since.
    If we set a precedent that “natural born” merely is a ban on C-section, who knows what may next surface. Back a few years ago there were some idiot west coast “Libertarian” types carrying on about how kool it would be to get rid of a silly old provision so we would elect a hunk like Ahhhnullldd president. Now maybe those peter-puffers have seen the wisdom of our ways. Or maybe not.
    Might the next venture be a literal Manchurian Candidate – from Manchuria? Why not? If Barak is our first “Anchor Baby” President, what is to stop a Mexican cartel candidate with anchor status from being elected?

    And the compromise solution of letting him get away with it this time, and solving the problem at the ballot box next time? Would that be an acceptable solution to a bank robbery situation. This time we’ll let him keep the loot, but next time. This may be what we will do. if so, we have merely postponed the day of disaster, like we always do.

  16. 16
    LC Sir Rurik, K.o.E. growls and barks:

    And Sire,

    Maybe Abercrombie used Desinex Powder to get rid of the Fitch?

    Or perhaps, all this effort by Abercrombie is intended to win the gratitude of Michele who will gratefully pose with im for a photo … which could be entitles Abercrombie and Bitch..

  17. 17
    WayneB growls and barks:

    Hillbuzz has a theory. It sounds interesting.

  18. 18
    L.C. Mope growls and barks:

    There’s that little problem of the ‘abstract’ that was produced. You see, it had to be derived from the long form or it is… how do I say this delicately…. a fraud. If, as Abercrombie suggusted, that there was a ‘notation’ in the record, then that abstract is a crime. Further, if there was only a ‘notation’ then the Putative One would not get a US Passport and would have to use his Indonesian passport to travel to Pakistan in the 80’s- like he said in his book. Then there is the little matter of what kind of student loans he got for college…. oh it just gets ugly.

    Just go with the dog ate it. BO! BO! Mmm…mmm…mmm..

  19. 19
    Iacobus growls and barks:

    LC Sir Rurik, K.o.E. says:

    If it transpires that he is in fact ineligible, but we choose to ignore or paper over that fact for operant reason, because we are terrified of an idiot with a loud mouth and hairplugs, or because we are held hostage by the threat that 12.5% of the population would riot … think of those impications.

    This x 1000.

    WayneB says:

    Hillbuzz has a theory. It sounds interesting.

    That is very, very interesting.

  20. 20
    LC PrimEviL growls and barks:

    Response to WayneB @#17:
    The Hillbuzz theory is very interesting. What better reason to conceal not only the birth certificate, but all his past papers?
    If “Barak Hussein Obama” is indeed an extra-legal pseudonym, then everything done under that name is a colossal fraud.
    The implications are simply staggering.