Birth Certificate Update

Yes. We know that you’re all dying to hear about that subject again and we, being ever the benevolent Emperor, cannot deny your wishes, no matter how much you’ve never actually expressed them, so let’s get to it.

As you may know, the newly elected Governor Abercrombie (now with less Fitch) of Hawaii started out his office by proclaiming that he was going to produce the long form Ogabe birth certificate to finally shut those awful “Birthers” up, something that we found quite sensible. Years ago when the subject originally came up. Why not lay the subject to rest so we could all get on with our lives? But we’re accustomed to long wait periods where sporadic displays of common sense among liberals is concerned, so we weren’t going to bother mocking him for taking years to finally come up with that self-evident solution.

We mean, it was so brilliantly self-evident that even that drooling old brain-dead alkie, Chris Matthews, thought it was a splendid idea!

In the next installment, Governor Abercrombie (where’s Fitch?) declared that they couldn’t find the certificate because, we don’t know, the dog ate it or something.

Apparently that was too stupid an excuse, even for a member of the stupidity-based community like Abercrombie (Fitch was indisposed) to use, so now it’s back to “sure, it’s there, but we’re prohibited by law from publishing it” which, for those of you still keeping score, was the original argument back when the question first came up.

Allahpundit sums it up as follows:

Three theories. One: The Birthers are right and it’s all a big cover-up, and somehow someone in the White House forgot to mention to the incoming Democratic governor of Hawaii, who, by the way, has known Obama since he was an infant, “Pssst — don’t mention the birth certificate.” Seems … unlikely. Two: Abercrombie secretly hates Obama for whatever reason and concocted this whole scheme in order to make the birth certificate thing seem even more suspicious. He co-opted the conspiracy theory to serve his own ends! Crafty. But there’s … no evidence. Three: The guy’s a total moron. At this point, highly likely and plenty of evidence. That’s the one I’m going with, although I’m open to persuasion.

…and then there’s door number four, but we didn’t expect Allahpundit to stumble into it since, obviously, the only rational answer to the whole issue is that there is absolutely nothing whatsoever there. Something that flies in the face of the common-sense conclusion that nobody goes to great time and expense to hide something unless there is something to hide but, hey, we all know that to say that would be the same as stating categorically that the certificate will conclusively prove that Ogabe is a space alien trying to eat our children, and guess who that wouldn’t benefit? Romney, that’s who.

Seriously, though. The “rational” actors on the right who claim to know, for absolutely certain, that there is nothing embarrassing whatsoever about a document that they’ve never seen yet is, for some utterly innocent reason, being guarded more closely than the nuclear football, are no less idiotic than the ones who claim to know, for equally absolutely certain, that said document will prove that Ogabe was born in Kenya.

Door number four? We’re glad you asked. Governor Abercrombie (Fitch? Come back, Fitch!) couldn’t possibly imagine that there might be something to hide in the document that Team Ogabe have been doing everything in their power to hide for years now. Most likely because he, like Allahpundit, had convinced himself that nothing short of proof that he was born in Kenya was worth hiding, and he was sure that wasn’t true.

So he, armed with the powers of a Governor, manages to get a hold of the document and discovers that, oops, there actually was a reason that one document had suddenly become one of the Most Important Secrets of Our Nation. What that was, we have no fucking clue. We haven’t seen it but, again, we have never ever in our life seen anybody spend that many resources on hiding something that didn’t need hiding.

So he tried to re-bury the corpse he’d himself exhumed, possibly with some gentle goading from the Ogabe White House, by using the old, tried-and-failed excuse of “oops, dog ate my homework.”

Then he realized that that one, seeing as how it doesn’t even convince a second grade teacher and never has, reverted to where it all started, namely that “sure it exists, but the law keeps us from making it public”, which is a non-excuse since even a retard like Abercrombie (alas, poor Fitch, I knew him well) would have known that right from the very beginning.

The only problem with our fourth option is that it makes sense, and that’s not something you’re allowed to make under The New Civility™.

But, then again, what do we know? Unlike civil and impartial observers like Allahpundit we don’t have an actual background in analyzing data.

Thatisall.