Breaking News: Earth’s Climate Controlled by that Giant Ball of Fire in the Sky!

What’s it called again? Oh yes, the Sun.

The science is now all-but-settled on global warming, convincing new evidence demonstrates, but Al Gore, the IPCC and other global warming doomsayers won’t be celebrating. The new findings point to cosmic rays and the sun — not human activities — as the dominant controller of climate on Earth.

Who’d have thunk???

Of course, it took quite a while for the paid-by-Big-Oil heretic racist scientists who proposed the theory to go forth and actually prove it, not because it was all that hard to do, but because the True Believers of the Church of Al Bore™ immediately went into overdrive trying to do their damndest to prevent scientists from doing actual, you know, science.

The hypothesis that cosmic rays and the sun hold the key to the global warming debate has been Enemy No. 1 to the global warming establishment ever since it was first proposed by two scientists from the Danish Space Research Institute, at a 1996 scientific conference in the U.K. Within one day, the chairman of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, Bert Bolin, denounced the theory, saying, “I find the move from this pair scientifically extremely naive and irresponsible.” He then set about discrediting the theory, any journalist that gave the theory cre dence, and most of all the Danes presenting the theory — they soon found themselves vilified, marginalized and starved of funding, despite their impeccable scientific credentials.

Because that’s how science is done! NuScience, anyway. Burn the heretics at the stake for daring to question the established dogma of the Church of Glowbull Wormening.

Another scientist, Jasper Kirkby of CERN, then picked up on the theory and made the tragic mistake of letting the Church of Bullshit Wormening know that he was interested.

“The theory will probably be able to account for somewhere between a half and the whole of the increase in the Earth’s temperature that we have seen in the last century,” Mr. Kirkby told the scientific press in 1998, explaining that global warming may be part of a natural cycle in the Earth’s temperature.

The global warming establishment sprang into action, pressured the Western governments that control CERN, and almost immediately succeeded in suspending CLOUD. It took Mr. Kirkby almost a decade of negotiation with his superiors, and who knows how many compromises and unspoken commitments, to convince the CERN bureaucracy to allow the project to proceed. And years more to create the cloud chamber and convincingly validate the Danes’ groundbreaking theory.

Thirteen years. Not due to difficulties building an adequate model and designing the proper experiments, but solely due to the difficulties caused by the Church of Gore doing everything within their power to keep him from discrediting their holy writ.

Still, he prevailed, and good for him. Good for all of us, in fact.

Now the only challenge left is to get the news out there, because you can rest assured that the Make Believe Media won’t be in the least interested in reporting on it.

Consider this your new assignment.

Thatisall.