Some Liberal Asshat Decides to Beat the Rush, Wants to be First with Allegation of Fraud as an Explanation for his Messiah, Ogabe’s, Impending 2012 Ass-Whupping

Or maybe it’s just that those damn mushrooms got to Celine E.J. Dionne again. We’ll just indulge the Imperial Fisk, too long on hiatus, we regret to say:

WASHINGTON — An attack on the right to vote is under way across the country through laws designed to make it more difficult to cast a ballot. If this were happening in an emerging democracy, we’d condemn it as election-rigging. But it’s happening here, so there’s barely a whimper.

E.J. is talking, of course, about the attempts to limit fraud by requiring voters to prove that they’re a) alive, b) human and c) actually allowed to vote before they get to cast their ballots, all of which is utterly incompatible with E.J.’s desired outcome for all elections.

The laws are being passed in the name of preventing “voter fraud.” But study after study has shown that fraud by voters is not a major problem —

Which is why we have terms such as “beyond the margin of fraud” and an interesting trend showing that the majority of all challenged election results tend to turn up more votes for one particular party after the recounts, all of which, of course, is purely accidental.

To be sure, those strange mystics bitterly clinging to concepts such as “the law of averages” may have a point if one is to give any credence whatsoever to the arcane religion known as “mathematics”, but those candidates of one particular party always seeming to rally to a victory of a thousand or a few hundred votes after the recount only won after hundreds of thousands of votes were recounted and, as we all know, “hundreds” as a fraction of “hundreds of thousands” surely can’t be a “major problem.”

and is less of a problem than how hard many states make it for people to vote in the first place. Some of the new laws, such as limiting the number of days for early voting, have little plausible connection to battling fraud.

Making it incredibly hard to vote thanks to their unreasonable demands that voters have to prove that they’re eligible to vote in the first place.

Why, next time you’ll demand that stores ask for ID before they sell alcohol or tobacco to their customers! Oh, wait, that’s completely different! Never mind.

These statutes are not neutral. Their greatest impact will be to reduce turnout among African-Americans, Latinos and the young.

Presumably because Celine, er E.J., believes deep inside his soul that blacks, hispanics and youngsters are too damn dumb to get a free, government-approved form of ID, which is the very kind of open-minded tolerance that we’ve come to expect from liberals.

It is no accident that these groups were key to Barack Obama’s victory in 2008 —

If we accept your earlier, unsupported by facts premise that the aforementioned groups are functionally retarded… Well, you’d have a point then.

or that the laws in question are being enacted in states where Republicans control state governments.

Who knows? Maybe those dastardly Rethugnicans tend to take our laws regarding who get to vote and who doesn’t more seriously than their NSDWP counterparts?

Again, think of what this would look like to a dispassionate observer.

If you dig up one of those on the left, please introduce him to us so that we may have a taxidermist fix him in a display case at the Smithsonian.

A party wins an election, as the GOP did in 2010. Then it changes the election laws in ways that benefit itself. In a democracy, the electorate is supposed to pick the politicians. With these laws, politicians are shaping their electorates.

You mean like the winning party gerrymandering districts to benefit itself in the next election? Alright, you’ve got us there. That is so clearly something that the NSDWP has never, ever done.

Paradoxically, the rank partisanship of these measures is discouraging the media from reporting plainly on what’s going on.

Er… what? The radical left Ogabemedia is being discouraged from stating anything that might be seen as criticism of Republicans?

We’re certainly relieved to see that you, E.J., isn’t one to be discouraged. Now kindly pass some of those ‘shrooms, because that must be some powerful shit, as they say.

Voter suppression so clearly benefits the Republicans that the media typically report this through a partisan lens, knowing that accounts making clear whom these laws disenfranchise would be labeled as biased by the right. But the media should not fear telling the truth or standing up for the rights of the poor or the young.

Please. Somebody. We’re caught in an infinite loop of leftist illogic here.

The issue will be criticized based on liberal media bias which will, horribly, give the Rethugnicans an excuse to criticize said admittedly, by yourself, biased media of bias?

How grossly, inhumanely, ridiculously UNFAIR!

How DARE those right wing thugs call liberal journaljizzmers “biased” based on the fact that they’re biased?

The HUMANITY!!!1!

The laws in question include requiring voter identification cards at the polls, limiting the time of early voting, ending same-day registration, and making it difficult for groups to register new voters.

You mean like ACORN registering Mickey Mouse to vote?

You’re right. If the franchise of cartoon characters is taken away, this country is surely headed into a long, dark night of fascism.

So glad you’re here to warn us, Celine, Dammit, E.J.

Sometimes the partisan motivation is so clear that if Stephen Colbert reported on what’s transpiring, his audience would assume he was making it up.

Erm… Stephen Colbert is a comedian, though not a particularly funny one. It’s pretty safe to assume that when a comedian is saying something, it just might be made up.

But hey… Mad props to you, Celine, for using Stephen Colbert as a sterling example of objective, fact-based journalism.

In Texas, for example, the law allows concealed handgun licenses to work as identification, but not student IDs.

Presumably because any idiot can get a student ID. As a matter of fact, considering what our institutes of learning diploma mills are spitting out these days, you may have to be an idiot to get one. Getting a CHL, on the other hand, actually involves some checking. Quite a bit of it, actually. We’re still hurting from the anal probe, but it was worth it.

And guess what? Nationwide exit polls show that John McCain carried households in which someone owned a gun by 25 percentage points but lost voters in households without a gun by 32 points.

Are you telling us that households with guns tend to support the candidate who doesn’t want to take away their right to keep and bear arms?

Holy Saint Suzy on a Crotch Rocket! Somebody give this guy a frackin’ Pulitzer! Because clearly all of those gun owners chose to flash their CHLs rather than, say, their driver’s licenses when they were asked to produce ID, which is the ONLY reason they were allowed to vote. Just like they flip out the old CHL every time they’re carded while trying to buy a bottle of Maker’s Mark. OK, so we actually do that, but that’s just because we’re funny that way and love to observe the reaction.

Side note: The gun owners who voted for Ogabelini might benefit from a psychiatric evaluation. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a masochist.

Besides Texas, states that enacted voter ID laws this year include Kansas, Wisconsin, South Carolina and Tennessee. Indiana and Georgia already had such requirements. The Maine Legislature voted to end same-day voter registration. Florida seems determined to go back to the chaos of the 2000 election.

“Chaos” meaning, to Celine, “any election in which there might be a chance of the liberal leftist candidate losing at the end.”

Besides: Refresh our memory here. Who exactly started the “chaos” of the 2000 election in Florida?

No, don’t tell us. It was CHL holders, right?

It shortened the early voting period, effectively ended the ability of registered voters to change their address at the polls, and imposed onerous restrictions on organized voter-registration drives.

“Onerous” meaning “anything keeping known Ogabe affiliates from registering Harry Potter to vote ten minutes before the polls close.”

Bastards!

In 2008, the U.S. Supreme Court, by 6-3, upheld Indiana’s voter ID statute. So seeking judicial relief may be difficult.

You misspelled “intervention on behalf of the glorious party.” How bloody DARE those hillbilly courts uphold the Constitution?

Nonetheless, the Justice Department should vigorously challenge these laws, particularly in states covered by the Voting Rights Act.

Absolutely! Where is this country headed if you require people to prove that they’re eligible to vote before they vote on who gets to be the Commander-in-Chief of this nation? Next thing, you’ll start demanding that the candidates have to prove that they’re actually eligible to run as well!

It’s about time for the NSDWP Justice Department to step in to protect their own interests which is, by the way, COMPLETELY different from the nefarious practices of the GOP to protect their interests mentioned earlier in Celine’s amusingly arse-hattedly asinine screed.

And the court should be asked to review the issue again in light of new evidence that these laws have a real impact in restricting the rights of particular voter groups.

Just come out and say it: The court should be ordered to come up with a finding that you approve of.

Don’t be shy, Celine.

“This requirement is just a poll tax by another name,” declared state Sen. Wendy Davis when Texas was debating its ID law earlier this year. In the bad old days, poll taxes, now outlawed by the 24th Amendment, were used to keep African-Americans from voting.

Because requiring voters to present a freely available form of ID, free of cost, prior to voting is EXACTLY the same as requiring black people to pay for the right to vote. No difference there.

Even if the Supreme Court didn’t see things her way, Davis is right. This is the civil rights issue of our moment.

The Devil with the Supreme Court and their damnable tendency to adhere to the law! Celine knows what’s right and no result that doesn’t agree with him should be respected or even tolerated!

Now there’s a true believer in democracy for you!

In part because of a surge of voters who had not cast ballots before, the United States elected its first African-American president in 2008. Are we now going to witness a subtle return of Jim Crow voting laws?

You keep babbling about Jim Crow, Celine. Somehow we don’t think that it means what you think that it means.

Whether or not these laws can be rolled back, their existence should unleash a great civic campaign akin to the voter registration drives of the civil rights years. The poor, the young and people of color should get their IDs,

But, but… How would they do that? Didn’t you just all but state as a fact that it’s impossible, impossible we tell you!, for those pore oppressed minorities to acquire free-of-charge ID cards?

flock to the polls and insist on their right to vote in 2012.

Read: Flock to the polls and vote for the Great Ogabelini!

If voter suppression is to occur, let it happen for all to see.

You mean like the tendency for military ballots to either “disappear” or be “disqualified?” By all means.

The whole world, which watched us with admiration and respect in 2008, will be watching again.

“The whole world” can go fuck themselves unceremoniously with a dull butter knife. We fail to see how their opinion matters even in the slightest.

And when they’re done with the butter knife, Celine, you can take your ridiculous partisan arse and lick it clean off.

Thatisall.

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Darth Venomous
Darth Venomous

And once again I find myself desperately wishing I could write this well.

Beautiful. Just standing-ovation beautiful.

Oh, and…uh…my quarterly foist. 🙂

americanexpat
americanexpat

Hmm, I thought voting in the U.S. was limited to citizens of the United States who could prove that citizenship. Despite the fact that I live overseas, I can easily do that. I have a valid U.S. passport, a driver’s license from the state in which I vote, and a certified true copy of my birth certificate. None of these… Read more »

MrSpkr
MrSpkr

Great work, Misha. I particularly liked Celine’s reference to states covered by the Voting Rights Act — because, you know, the South hasn’t changed a whit since 1964. and citizens of the North would never, EVER harbor even a racist thought, let alone commit a racist act. And if you believe that, I have a client offering to sell some… Read more »

LC Jackboot IC/A
LC Jackboot IC/A

Awesome Boss !! And to think when I saw that piece yesterday, I almost took it on. My efforts would have been rank amateurish to your marvelous fisking of this silly bastard. What a dripping piece of horseshit. This guy bears watching for the Idiot Of The Month™ awards. Question? Would any sentient being not see that his premise is… Read more »

Bruce in NH
Bruce in NH

We passed a Voter ID bill in the New Hampshire House this year. The argument that some people don’t have ID is an interesting one. If that’s true then we have people putting their names on the voter rolls without having proven who they are or where they reside. To me, that’s a huge problem. But it’s one that could… Read more »

LC Cheapshot911, Dept. of Redneck Tech, Imperial Photographer, K.o.E.
LC Cheapshot911, Dept. of Redneck Tech, Imperial Photographer, K.o.E.

Assholes Collectively Obsessing Radical Nevillism

BigDogg - Imperial Thread Killer (ITK)
BigDogg - Imperial Thread Killer (ITK)

Our right to vote is a sacred right, and to ensure that the right to vote is not taken from someone, it’s not unreasonable to say that only the person whose name is on the voter checklist can cast that vote. Actually, as the founding fathers saw it, it wasn’t a right but a privilege. The view that it’s a… Read more »

lc purple raider
lc purple raider

No early voting, except for military.

No voting by mail or computer.

Everyone should show picture ID.

An ID after you vote, say a purple finger.

No open primaries.

Every person should register to vote in person.

Jaybear, Colonel of Imperial Ancient Artillery
Jaybear, Colonel of Imperial Ancient Artillery

No early voting, except for military. No voting by mail or computer. Everyone should show picture ID. An ID after you vote, say a purple finger. No open primaries. Every person should register to vote in person. yeah, I’m good with that. Here in Washington state we have vote by mail, and top tier primaries meaning that the top two… Read more »

LC Gregory
LC Gregory

O My Emperor, Living here in Teh Belly of Teh Beast as I do (inside the Beltway but fortunately on the Free side of the Potomac), I’m far too familiar with the, um, “work” of Dionne. All I can say about him is “Gently with a Rusty Chainsaw.” But what did poor Celine Dion ever do to you to get… Read more »

WayneB
WayneB

Don’t have anything to say directly about this, but wanted to bring up that the Hollyweirds are projecting again. The Wife was watching Law & Order LA the other night, and they took the ACORN Voter Registration Fraud issue from the last couple of elections and turned it around so that it was a Christian Conservative group collecting bogus signatures.… Read more »

Jaybear, Colonel of Imperial Ancient Artillery
Jaybear, Colonel of Imperial Ancient Artillery

The Wife was watching Law & Order LA the other night, and they took the ACORN Voter Registration Fraud issue from the last couple of elections and turned it around so that it was a Christian Conservative group collecting bogus signatures.

typical, just like they portray all terrorists as white neo-nazis

If voter suppression is to occur, let it happen for all to see.

You mean like standing outside a polling place with a large weapon? Hmm, that would never happen.

readerjp
readerjp

Oh yes, voter fraud would NEVER EVER EVER happen under Democrats. That’s why there are voter fraud investigations going on in at least 19 states, right after 2008. Like the Ohio Secretary of Elections (Democrat) refusing to examine the signatures of 8 Mickey Mouses and 5 Daffy Ducks. I saw that Law & Order episode. It was even more liberally… Read more »

Elephant Man
Elephant Man

readerjp sez: I don’t even know what gay “marriage” means. They want to have the same legal rights as married people, fine with me. In Europe they call them “civil unions” and no one is upset. Why must gays here INSIST on the word “MARRIAGE?” Does it mean that priests, rabbis and ministers will be FORCED to conduct gay marriages?… Read more »

LC Ogrrre - Imperial Heartless Bastard
LC Ogrrre - Imperial Heartless Bastard

So Celine EJ thinks that ending election day registration is onerous and unfair? Shoot, here in Oklahoma registration is closed, I think, 20 days before the election. Also, one cannot change parties during that time period. This time period allows the Election Board time to do some at least cursory checking to make sure the voter is not registered at… Read more »

readerjp
readerjp

Oh, Elephant Man, let’s not bring the unions into it, or they’ll be demanding MORE rights.

I think they just want the big party and the cake. And the presents.

noahquackenbush
noahquackenbush

Ya know why folks are upset about having to show I.D. to vote?? Cause they would have to get off their ass, or get off the corner to go to the secretary of state to get said I.D. It doesn’t matter that they would be free. There is a certain segment of the population that is so lazy, they would… Read more »

LC Trooper THX1138, Imperial Gadget Geek
LC Trooper THX1138, Imperial Gadget Geek

I had the misfortune of meeting this…I hesitate to use the word “person”, so let’s call him an entity, seeing as he does exist and is, at least genetically, a male, during my time at UC Berkeley. As a poli-sci/philosophy major in need of an interesting elective, I chose a journalism class specifically focused on punditry. (After all, I read… Read more »