Yet Another Thing that His Imperial Majesty Hates With a Purple Passion

No, nothing earth-shattering, just one of those “little” things that annoys His Vileness no end that he feels a strange urge to bore you to sad tears with.

But first: We think we hear horsemen on the horizon. It appears that the Establishment Conservative Media has put a collective “shut up” order on Weinergate. Not that that’s in itself all that shocking. We already know for a fact that the so-called “hard-hitting” members of the “Conservative” Media are about as “hard-hitting” as a limp weiner wrapped in cotton balls. Anything to avoid being called mean names by the Make Believe Ogabemedia.

But what IS amazing is that CNN, CNN appears to be running with the story that no “conservative” media air heads dare talk about. CNN. Think about it. We won’t be shocked if it starts raining frogs any day now.

But we digress. On to more important things, such as something that endlessly bloody annoys us to the point where we want to puncture our eardrums with an icepick and scoop out our eyeballs with a rusty spoon.

What could possibly make us that irate? We’re so glad you asked, even though you didn’t but we’re going to annoy you with it anyway:

Who the everloving Hades hump came up with the idea that the new format for TV shows should be to end every bloody episode with five minutes’ worth of mindless, useless, irrelevant making out to the tune of some unknown garage band’s latest desperate attempt to get noticed by somebody who isn’t an immediate, heavily bribed relative? Oh, and to start off the episode with the same crap too, just to add insult to injury.

You know what we’re talking about. You have this otherwise interesting show going on, and we’re not only talking about chick shows such as Desperate Housewives or Grey’s Anatomy (are those even still on? Don’t answer, we don’t really give a shit anyway), we’re talking about actually interesting shows too. You know, the ones with death, violence, mutilation and the occasional aggression toward fluffy animals.

You sit through an entire episode, you’re getting drawn in by the plot and the story arc, you find yourself actually interested in “what happens next” and then, just as the episode is drawing toward the obligatory weekly cliffhanger, the last five minutes is made up by two twats making out, staring into the distance in a “meaningful” manner, the camera panning over an utterly boring panorama, you name it, while some incompetent seventeenth-tier band who wouldn’t even hack it in a Eurovision song contest (and they set the bar so bloody low that you’d need a backhoe and a lot of explosives to get any further down) wails off some maudlin crap tune.

Which you fucking well have to sit through because you know, beyond a reasonable doubt, that something is going to happen in the last three seconds that you absolutely need to see in order to not be as lost as Bill Clinton in a nursing home when next week’s episode airs.

But first you have to endure several minutes’ worth of some unknown hacks’ mindless, meaningless, saccharine shite and, if you’re really lucky, a make-out scene which doesn’t even have the common courtesy of showing you some boobage.

That’s why DVR was invented, and whoever came up with that needs to, deserves to be as much praised and worshiped as the clowns who came up with the new show model need to be eviscerated with rusty farm tools.

Oh, and while we’re on the subject of TV shows: Listen, we do appreciate the “previously, on […]” bit at the beginning when we’re watching the damn show as it is actually aired. It’s quite helpful when it comes to reminding us what the whole damn thing was about last week, particularly when you get as old and booze-addled as this Viking to the point where you can’t remember what you had for lunch.

Four hours ago.

But if you’re watching the damn show on a boxed set or, for that matter, on Netflix, then why in the name of our left nut do you have to be reminded what happened on “last week’s episode” when you watched the damned thing not three minutes ago???

They seem to be perfectly capable of editing out the endless commercial breaks on DVD editions so what the FUCK is so hard about cutting out the “previously, on [blah, blah, blah]” bit? We mean: We OWN the damn show, every last farking episode, so if our memory is getting a bit blurry we can always to back and replay the sticky bits, can’t we?

Yes, that really does piss us off, and now you know. We’re sure you’re ever so happy that we shared this with you. And if you’re not, just let us know where you live. B.C. will be by with the re-education team and his CD collection soonest.

Thatisall.

27 comments

  1. 1
    Erbo growls and barks:

    Perhaps His Imperial Majesty is merely watching the wrong type of shows. May I suggest a change of pace? I favor Castle myself.

    First of all, it has Nathan Fillion in it (as the titular Castle), which means it automatically qualifies as AWESOME. Second, none of this “make out to random pop music not by the original artists (so we don’t have to pay royalties to the RIAA)” stuff. Castle is usually “cold open to corpse,” and ends mere minutes after the perp-of-the-week has been brought to justice, with perhaps a quick cut back to the Castle residence or a focus on the unresolved sexual tension between Castle and Beckett (and long may it remain unresolved, thank you, one bout of “Dave and Maddie Syndrome” is plenty). They’ve done the “Previously on…” bit a few times, but only for the second halves of two-parters or for important “arc” episodes where you really do need the reminder of what happened. Fillion’s costar, Stana Katic, is pretty easy on the eyes herself, and plays a smart cookie (Detective Kate Beckett, NYPD) besides. The rest of the cast complements them nicely, and the writing is pretty good; only a couple of times can you catch them in “did not do the research,” and several times, they’ve shown their work quite nicely. The series was a fortuitous discovery on our part, and I don’t hesitate to recommend it to anyone.

  2. 2
    Terrapod growls and barks:

    Well old boy, there is your first major mistake….you are watching TV. Go do something more productive like dig a trench, post to the internet or pimp your ride….. all I watch on TV any more is American Pickers or the occasionas Mythbusters. Even the weather channel has succumbed to PC drivel. Meh!

  3. 3
    LC Jackboot IC/A growls and barks:

    Terrapod says:

    Even the weather channel has succumbed to PC drivel.

    Weather? Did somebody say weather? If we’re talking boring weather reportage, one could always turn to FNC and watch Maria Molina.

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    Just sayin…..

  4. 4
    LC Gutshot growls and barks:

    Well they have to, your Majesty. I mean, these starving (by no coincidence) artists need their money! Well, actually it tends to be that the super-conglomeration that owns the network in question also owns the services of said warblers. The great part is that the gar(b)age band continues to dumpster dive for their meals, while the suits at the super-mega-corporation pads his retirement by parting with the fool’s money.

    The other annoying thing is the ultimate cliffhanger. You know, the one where you really get into a show, they do a cliffhanger ending, and then they cancel the sumbitch. So you’re left wondering if Joey really did stuff enough heroin in his arm to kill himself, or if Jackie’s pregnancy test was a false positive. There should be an unwritten code that no show can end without the ends being sewn up!

  5. 5
    L.C. Mope growls and barks:

    TV? What is this thing of which you speak?

    Are you talking about that box in the corner of the room that the Lame Stream Media would spew their vile crap? The one with the cobwebs all over it?

    Seems so 1960’s…. only the same.

  6. 6
    T growls and barks:

    Your Majesty – the mistake you are engaging in is assuming that most individuals who are watching said entertainment are as intelligent as you are. I hardly watch any of this drivel lately, as I find it seems to be aimed at roughly the IQ of semi-literate individuals who cannot remember their last meal just after dinnertime. (And, to be honest, I find that the commercials enrage me, as they are aimed at stuporous chimps who could not find thei own nuts with both hands free and a body-length mirror.)

    Chalk it.

    I find some of the best stuff is on the History channel – especially “Engineering an Empire”. Those Romans were a schmart lot in their day… Shame they got stupid.

  7. 7

    TV? We’ve got one. Don’t know if it works.

    Yes, it’s been THAT long since it was last turned on.

  8. 8
    LC LOBO growls and barks:

    Response to LC Jackboot IC/A @:
    Ummm yeah. I’ll be in my bunk. :em95:

  9. 9
    yochanon growls and barks:

    Do like we done…sit in the house durin’ one of the severe wind-side-storms we had here in west TN a few weeks ago. Let the lightening zap the 16 year old TV. Play with the remote until you figure out that the TV will *NOT* work no matter how many buttons you piddle with. Call DISH and tell them since they didn’t show anything that didn’t destroy braincells to cancel the subscription. Save at the very minimum $300/year by doing so. Sit back and smile at that. Get online and do other things that doesn’t make ones IQ plummet just sitting there doing it. (Me and mom couldn’t afford it no more anyway, so the storm did us a favor, LOL)

  10. 10
    Lc ORWN engine builder for Rottie Racing growls and barks:

    T.V. shows? I’m with ERBO, Castle is the only show worth watching, and only for Detective Beckett.
    And I still like to catch a baseball game in between watching shows on the Food network.

    Sorry, Fat guys like to eat :em93:

  11. 11
    Lc ORWN engine builder for Rottie Racing growls and barks:

    HEY DJ..How do I change my gravatar, the 31 years of life in Ohio, has caused some severe cancer on the Monte Carlo- O – Doom’s frame, strippin all the good parts and sending her away.

    Good bye old girl, you will be missed :em04:

  12. 12
    LC Spare Parts growls and barks:

    Too bad we won’t be watching Castle come September. i saw the last show. It didn’t end well.

  13. 13
    R6 growls and barks:

    This will scare the hell out of everyone.

    And JESUS!! #3, she looks like she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch!!!!
    :em95:

  14. 14
    irish19 growls and barks:

    Response to Lc ORWN engine builder for Rottie Racing @:
    Food Network is great. Iron Chef and Triple D are my favorites
    Do you get Cooking Channel? If so, you can watch reruns of the original Japanese Iron Chef, as well as repeats of the Two Fat Ladies. Great stuff!

  15. 15

    irish19 says:

    original Japanese Iron Chef

    I loved that show. That US Iron Chef is too crappy and badly acted to even be worth sleeping through. I used to love HGTV but it’s gone PC and greenie weenie and all they ever show is house hunting shows.

    As for our tv….hell I can’t remember the last time it was turned on. I prefer Netflix, or Hulu for watching shows and I have enough DVD’s of my favs that I don’t have to worry about what I might be missing on the boob tube. Heck even You Tube is starting movie streaming.

    BTW…anyone seen the Masterpiece Mystery episodes of “Sherlock” on Netfix? DAMN good stuff. It’s a modernized version of Sherlock Holmes and is excellently acted. Only problem is that they only did three episodes! OY!

  16. 16
    L.C. Mope growls and barks:

    Uh-oh. Not that we needed any proof…..

    Some of TV’s top executives from the past four decades may have gotten more than they bargained for when they agreed to be interviewed for a politically charged book that was released Tuesday, because video of their controversial remarks will soon be hitting the Internet.

    The book makes the case that TV industry executives, writers and producers use their clout to advance a liberal political agenda. The author bases his thesis on, among other things, 39 taped interviews that he’ll roll out piecemeal during the next three weeks.

    TV? I’ll pass, thankyouverymuchly.

  17. 17
    readerjp growls and barks:

    Well, as long as we’re talking about TV, I have my pre-basic and my now basic basic cable. I used to watch TruTV and a lot of the USA series – very clever, like the one about the US Marshals. History TV was interesting, but then they pissed me off with their so-called “historical truth documentary” about King David. They showed him as just above a Neanderthal, long dark hair, very Semitic looking, and he didn’t speak Hebrew. That was IT; I sent them an email during the show. Those who know their Bible know that King David was “ruddy,” (usually interpreted as a redhead). Believe in, don’t believe in it. But when they said he didn’t speak Hebrew, I flipped. He is the author of some of the MOST BEAUTIFUL HEBREW POETRY and MOST BEAUTIFUL POETRY, EVER. He wrote the Psalms. How can they say he didn’t speak Hebrew?

    Now I watch only CSI, Law & Order, NCIS (I would think you guys would like that, it’s very pro-military, very pro duty and honor), and my favorite show, BONES. That show has got to be the smartest show on TV. The writers are FANTASTIC. It’s both funny, macabre, and deadly serious. Plus, the characters are so real, and they walk a very thin tightrope with the relationship between the 2 leads. When the show started, she was like a robot. Slowly, she’s been humanized.

    I just started watching “Glee” which is deliberately campy, but the actors are so talented, and the deadpan humor about high school is hilarious. And occasionally I watch “Raising Hope” because it’s so wacky, you just can never predict what people will say.

    I can’t watch Letterman anymore, because I see him as a dirty old man. I don’t watch any of the late night shows except for Craig Ferguson, rarely. He’s very good. Very self-deprecating and loves to talk about what a drunk he was. He became an American citizen and wrote a book about why, very pro-American.

    NO REALITY SHOWS!! No Dancing w/ the American Idol So You Think You Can Dance America’s Got Talent.

    Now, here’s MY pet peeve.

    A form of ectoplasm in the shape of a young male dragged an 85-year old woman off the sidewalk and forced her to give him oral sex. And he then stole her ring. Now they have video footage, and it’s not great but you can CLEARLY see the guy is Hispanic. In the uniform of white T-Shirt and really baggy shorts. Now, this was in a very wealthy area, so you can bet the police are out to get him.

    When the TV newscaster described him, they said things like 5′ 8″, 180 lbs., white shirt, etc. Everything but whether he was black or white or red or whatever. Is this political correctness? We all saw the footage, so it’s not like casting aspersions on Latinos. They give you the info, ask for your help, but leave out a VERY important identifying factor. Am I racist for thinking this is crazy?

  18. 18
    Tallulah growls and barks:

    the new format for TV shows should be to end every bloody episode with five minutes’ worth of mindless, useless, irrelevant making out to the tune of some unknown garage band’s

    Usually they aren’t even making out. And I can tell you why they do it: all these shows are made with an eye to running in syndication some day, which is where they really rake in the shekels. And, as we all know, the shows that used to take 55 minutes for an “hour” now give you about 45 minutes of actual “program,” they’re just adding a “tail” that can be lopped off later like a bluetailed skink’s.

    Because, in the future, the shows will only have 40 minutes of actual “show” in each hour. They lop off the soppy ending, and it’s no loss to the story line.

    Believe me. This is what they’re doing. Every second of screen time is planned; not even the crap is inadvertent. (Yes, I do work in the Biz.)

  19. 19
    Cricket growls and barks:

    That is why you have the ability to fast-forward through the recap from the previous week. I have been catching up on ’24.’ While no makeout sessions with horrid music mars the continuity of the story, I do get Supremely Annoyed at the recap. However, because it is part of the stream, I just flip through it until I find the box that tells me what following events happened between such and such hours. I have to check to see if ‘Castle’ is available in streaming, and catch up on my seasons of ‘psych’ and ‘Bones.’ Love the squints!

  20. 20
    irish19 growls and barks:

    Mostly I watch stuff on SciFi or whatever they renamed it. Haven, Warehouse 13, Sanctuary, Eureka. Also Dr. Who on BBC America. I like Game of Thrones and am waiting for True Blood to start up again.
    And Iron Chef. The American version isn’t so bad, but they do seem to use way too many gadgets.

  21. 21
    LC Xealot growls and barks:

    One could say you just described the entire formula of Glee, the worst show on television (I think it took the title from Jerry Springer).

  22. 22
    Emperor Misha I growls and barks:

    LC Xealot says:

    One could say you just described the entire formula of Glee, the worst show on television (I think it took the title from Jerry Springer).

    Glee actually used to be pretty cool (first season, I mean), until they decided that they had to get all “controversial” and be gaydar all the time AND, more importantly, managed to piss off all the great artists with their self-righteous “we’re doing you a FAVOR letting us use your material on our FABULOUS show” pissantery to the point where the only tunes those very talented kids are allowed to sing are old Broadway discards and Barbara Streisand, but I repeat myself.

  23. 23
    lc purple raider growls and barks:

    Unless there’s a sporting event of major interest, it’s either METV or nothing.

    And no, in Purple Raider Nation, the NBA Finals are only of interest if those carpetbaggers from south Florida lose.

  24. 24
    Lc ORWN engine builder for Rottie Racing growls and barks:

    lc purple raider says:

    And no, in Purple Raider Nation, the NBA Finals are only of interest if those carpetbaggers from south Florida lose.

    HERE, HERE!!! :em03: :em03:

  25. 25
    LC TerribleTroy growls and barks:

    Emperor Misha I says:

    I fucking HATE listening to that angsty, brainless, incompetent Emo shit,

    Me too! Thats why around here we listen to two kinds of music…Country AND Western :em93:

  26. 26
    Darth Venomous growls and barks:

    For Yours Truly™, it is Football, Football & More Football™

    And hockey. Unless Football™ is on. (Do you know how many times I’ve watched Utah-Iowa State now?)

    Oh, and Star Trek/Star Wars – but you couldn’t’ve guessed that, huh?

    In my more generous moods (that is, when I’m not being a total curmudgeonly grouch), I’ll graciously let Mrs. Venomous watch Law & Order. (Preferably SVU – Mariska Hargitay’s hawt.)

  27. 27
    Chuck growls and barks:

    Emperor, one of your peeves solves the other. Since you know the next episode is going to do a recap right up to the cliffhanger, you don’t have to sit through the crap to see it this week. :em93: