Apocalypse Delayed Due to Lack of Interest, Mathematical Error

Takes a licking and keeps on ticking.

OAKLAND, Calif. – A California preacher who foretold of the world’s end only to see the appointed day pass with no extraordinarily cataclysmic event has revised his apocalyptic prophecy, saying he was off by five months and the Earth actually will be obliterated on Oct. 21.

Harold Camping, who predicted that 200 million Christians would be taken to heaven Saturday before catastrophe struck the planet, apologized Monday evening for not having the dates “worked out as accurately as I could have.”

Math is hard, you see.

It was not the first time Camping was forced to explain when his prediction didn’t come to pass. The 89-year-old retired civil engineer also prophesied the Apocalypse would come in 1994, but said later that didn’t happen then because of a mathematical error.

We think we’re beginning to see a pattern here. Would somebody please give the poor guy a calculator instead of the slide rule that he’s obviously having trouble mastering?

Wait… WTF? Did it say “retired civil engineer” up there? Christ Almighty! We need an immediate investigation into whatever the Hades he “engineered” before he retired. We’re thinking “New Orleans levees”, but it could be even worse!

Through chatting with a friend over what he acknowledged was a very difficult weekend,

All ready to Rapture and the bus just doesn’t show…

it dawned on him that instead of the biblical Rapture in which the faithful would be swept up to the heavens, May 21 had instead been a “spiritual” Judgment Day, which places the entire world under Christ’s judgment, he said.

The globe will be completely destroyed in five months, he said, when the apocalypse comes. But because G-d’s judgment and salvation were completed on Saturday, there’s no point in continuing to warn people about it, so his network will now just play Christian music and programs until the final end on Oct. 21.

In the history of Desperate Save Attempts™, this one has to be right up there with
“the dog ate my homework” and the ever popular “I meant to do that!”

So let’s see if we got this right: May 21 was the day when G-d’s Army of Actuaries finished the tally, added up the scores and had it all notarized, and now G-d needs five months to… what? Post the results on FaceBook? Charge up the Rapture Beam™? Prepare the living quarters for His Army of Righteousness™?

We’re getting the impression that Camping is confusing Almighty G-d, He who created the Universe and everything in it in seven days, with a Congressional oversight committee.

You have to give this particular loon one thing, though: He’s remarkably persistent.

Also, we can’t wait to hear what he comes up with on October 22.

Thatisall.

16 comments

  1. 1
    AyUaxe growls and barks:

    Kalifornicator–nuff said. Camping and Gore should get together–they might be able to come up with one brain cell between them. Wait a minute–foist?–can’t be–it’s a sign o’ the a-pack-a-lips!

  2. 2

    OMG!! I so needed this laugh, bratets!!! Thanks for that! :em01: :em01: :em01: :em01: :em01:

  3. 3
    Slightly to the right of Gingis Khan growls and barks:

    I wonder what caliber Rapture Beam the Almighty uses………..

  4. 4
    Darth Sciuridae growls and barks:

    Where’s the Hale-Bopp Comet when you need it?

  5. 5
    The Lone Haranguer growls and barks:

    The world will end tonight at 10:00! Story at eleven. :em02:

  6. 6
    Lady H growls and barks:

    What bothers me so much is that this may cause people to lose faith, not just in him (Camping the man), but Him. :(

    BTW, isn’t there also something in Holy Scripture about the Angels not knowing either. (The ones who look upon G-d’s face everyday

    Mark 13:32, which states,”Concerning that day of the hour nobody knows, neither the angels in heaven nor the Son, but the Father.”

    Wouldn’t even make sense if G-d had/has decided to reveal it. We all wouldn’t live our day like it’s our last.

  7. 7
    dasbow growls and barks:

    So basically the Big Guy is done making his naughty and nice list? Well, hell, no use behaving now. Time to party, Battalion Style!

  8. 8

    (Hums “Sometimes I think that preacher man would like to do a little walkin’ too,,,”)

  9. 9
    Alan K. Henderson growls and barks:

    The world will end in October? That comes as no surprise to baseball fans.

  10. 10
    Slightly to the right of Gingis Khan growls and barks:

    Alan K. Henderson says:

    The world will end in October? That comes as no surprise to baseball fans.

    I’m a Pirates fan……. the world ends much sooner than that. :em98:

  11. 11
    LC Proud Infidel growls and barks:

    Well, *PIF*, he’s an Engineer, so maybe he either used a cosine instead of a tangent, or he forgot to carry the 2 on an equation. Either way, once the excrement hits the ventilation device, animals like me will quickly realize that neither the Lexus dealerships OR the liquor stores are no longer being watched, and we’re already stocked up on arms and ammo, so,……PAAAARTY TIIIIME!!! :em93: :em03: :em69:

  12. 12
    lc purple raider growls and barks:

    Slightly to the right of Gingis Khan says:

    I’m a Pirates fan……. the world ends much sooner than that.

    Your world ends every year on about May 1st, doesn’t it? :em02:

    But you will always have the Steelers!

  13. 13
    simonwise growls and barks:

    If he keeps guessing eventually get it correct………….Laws of Statistics & Probability say so. :em93:

  14. 14
    LC Ogrrre growls and barks:

    So, the world didn’t end “on time”. I’ve an idea: let’s start an End Of The World pool. There are 4 billion (more or less) people on the planet. So, set u a pool for the day and the hour, charge each one a dollar per choice. 4 billion hours is over 100,000 years, so someone in the pool should win. I’ll put the $ in an interest bearing escrow account. My fee for maintaining the account will be the interest the account draws. :em93:

  15. 15
    irish19 growls and barks:

    Response to Slightly to the right of Gingis Khan @:
    I’m a Cubs fan. I think it already ended.
    Oh, and stop knocking slide rules.

  16. 16

    Slightly to the right of Gingis Khan says:

    I’m a Pirates fan……. the world ends much sooner than that. :em98:

    irish19 says:

    I’m a Cubs fan. I think it already ended.

    Mariners fan here, my world just keeps on sucking