Oh, How We Laughed

Nobody does it better than the Chicago Tribune.

Prime Minister Theresa May and colleagues in Britain’s government reconfirm the quality and effectiveness of her nation’s police and intelligence work.

Sorry, but that one had us in stitches for so long that we had to take a twenty minute break before continuing.

On Sept. 5, the British government issued warrants for the arrest of two Russian nationals, Ruslan Boshirov and Alexander Petrov, for attempted murder. Massive evidence has been assembled through high-tech means and old-fashioned, human-insight police work.

Oddly enough, exactly zero of that “massive evidence” has been offered to anybody amid all of the hysterical accusations. Except, it would occur, to Mr. Arthur Cyr of the Chicago Tribune, who absolutely knows for a fact that it exists. Odd, though, that in a high profile case such as this one, not even a scintilla of it would be offered to bolster Her Majesty’s Government’s case, no?

The despicable effort in early March to murder Sergei Skripal and his daughter Yulia in England provides a grim reminder that the Cold War may be over, but Russia remains a dangerous and ruthless adversary. A police officer found the father and daughter unconscious on a park bench in Salisbury, a city near London.

Which goes against everything that anybody with even the barest minimum of knowledge of the effects of various chemical substances on the human body knows, which is that it doesn’t affect two different individuals exactly the same way. Ever. Why do you think that your doctor always has to carefully adjust any medication you’re given until the optimum dosage for you, personally, can be determined? Because he’s bored and just wants you to come back for more visits?

Yet Sergey and Yulia both collapsed at the exact same moment. They must have, right? Unless, of course, Yulia, for instance, just watched her dad collapse unconscious and thought to herself that he probably just had one too many and would be back to normal in a moment, rather than call for help.

And don’t even get us started upon how nerve agent works. We’ll just say that there typically isn’t a delay of several hours until they kick in.

The Skripals and the police officer required hospitalization in intensive care. A Novichok nerve agent poisoned them. Novichok is the label for a highly lethal series of nerve agents developed by the Soviet Union, beginning in 1971.

…and the formula for which was published in 1992 or 1993, depending on whom you ask.

Novichok is an extremely rare chemical not readily available to the public,

Extremely rare? We should hope so. But it’s nevertheless not particularly hard to synthesize. Provided you have the formula, available to interested parties for the past 26 years, as well as access to a high school chemistry lab.

The military nerve agent remains a product of Russia.

Much as the Colt 1911 remains a product of the United States which means, using the same logic, that every single death caused by one of those was orchestrated by the CIA.

Four months after the attack, residue of the poison left behind by the attackers struck down two more British citizens, in no way tied to government intelligence or security agencies, one of whom died.

Facts about nerve agents known to anybody with even the faintest level of understanding of them: 1) They kill very quickly, almost instantly, not within hours of exposure. 2) They dissipate quickly, as in “definitely within months’ worth of exposure to the elements.” Otherwise they’d be pretty useless to the military, wouldn’t they? We mean, having to keep your troops out of an area where they’d been deployed for months on end after the attack doesn’t seem to be all that viable as a strategy, does it?

“Oh, but the perfume bottle was sealed from the elements!”

Yeah, about that. So those super spy assassins sprayed the agent on the door handle of the Skripal residence while said Skripals weren’t at home, hoped that it wouldn’t dissipate as such nerve agents do, then carefully resealed the murder weapon inside the cellophane wrapping they got it from (remarkable for covert operatives to not merely travel with the murder weapon in their luggage but to go to the trouble of having it sealed in the first place), after all we have the word from the druggie “victim” who found the bottle later stating that he had to open the wrapping to get the bottle out, then tossed the primary evidence of their crime in a common bin?

Seriously?

Oh, and going back to the tweaking dummy who found the “murder weapon”, he stated that he sprayed it on his hands but it was OK, he just rinsed it off with a bit of water and survived.

Really? Well fuck us sideways with a crowbar! If we had known that nerve agents were that fucking easy to neutralize, we would have jammed those bloody great Atropine syringes that our Sergeant Major forced us to test on ourselves (they only had saline in them) into his mouth and told him to rinse! Actually, we wouldn’t have, he would have killed us without even breaking a sweat, but we digress.

Still, seriously. Have you fucking SEEN one of those Atropine syringes? If you served, you have. They’re fucking TERRIFYING! And they hurt like a bitch too. If we’d only known that all we’d need to do was to piss on the exposed skin and we’d escape with some R&R in the infirmary…

Boshirov and Petrov allegedly flew to Britain two days before the attempted murders and entered the country on Russian passports. The British government worked quickly, identified them early, and continued to collect evidence.

Not all that quickly. Putin had them identified within a couple of days in spite of having nothing to go on except for their pictures and “false” names, seeing as how the British refused to pass on any information to the Russkies that might help them solve this case of utmost importance.

Skripal worked for the GRU, the military intelligence arm of Russia’s government, until he retired in 1999. Later, he confessed to working as a double agent for British intelligence from 1995.

In 2006, a court in Russia convicted him and imposed a prison sentence of thirteen years. In 2010, authorities freed him as part of a U.S.-Russian spy swap, following the exposure of a ring of Russian espionage agents in the United States.

We’ve mentioned this before, but it’s important. Skripal was actually arrested in 2004, giving Putin a full 6 years to arrange for an “accident” to happen (and he certainly would have been capable and willing had he had the desire to), and not a single fuck would have been given. Yet he allegedly swapped him, then spent another 8 years grumbling about it before he decided to murder him, thus making any future swaps impossible AND hurting his nation’s image right before a major sporting PR event, all to rub out somebody whose knowledge had become obsolete at least a decade prior to the hit.

Sure.

Pull the other one. It plays Jingle Bells.

Anyway, now the ball is in the British court. The Russkies have stated that the Brits can request an interview with Boshirov and Petrov if they so desire. Oh sure, the Brits will say that it’ll be turned down, but wouldn’t that serve to bolster your so far laughably ridiculous case? After all, that surely would prove that the Russkies were trying to hide something, wouldn’t it?

We doubt that they will, though. Up until now, Her Majesty’s Clowns at Scotland Yard have proven remarkably uninterested in actually investigating this case.

Thatisall.

12 comments

  1. 1
  2. 2
    L.C. Mope growls and barks:

    I seem to recall some time ago they wanted to dig up Arafat’s carcass and check his thong for Polonium-210. Polonium-210 has a half life of about 138 days, so needless to say, after being room temperature for years they found normal amounts of the chemical.
    And some poor soul had to sniff his underwears. MOOSEKNUCKLE!

    Don’t get me wrong, I am sure Putin is not the guy you want to carve your turkey on Thanksgiving, but all this projection makes me wonder just how much of this is cover for shit they have done.

  3. 3
    Terrapod growls and barks:

    Borrowed from CM Blake6’s blog – 10 minutes of Pat Condell and well worth your time. Best and clearest summation which applies word for word to the USA and the anti Trumpers of both parties. :em01:

    https://youtu.be/R9T4dGAxtO0

  4. 4
    DJ Allyn, MPSE growls and barks:

    I just found this recent photo of Paul Manafort…

  5. 5
    Terrapod growls and barks:

    One and a half gainer, not bad for not having a springboard :em01:

  6. 6
    BC, Imperial Torturer growls and barks:

    DJ Allyn, MPSE @ #:
    So Manafort is going to spill the beans on the collusion of a presidential campaign with the Russians to affect the outcome of our election? It’ll be interesting to see the information that he has on the campaign that actually colluded with the Russians to write a series of “damning” lies about an opponent, paying for said “damning” lies through an “op-research firm”, via a law firm, then claiming on their FEC filings that said “op-research” (Read: “Illegal foreign collusion”) was merely “legal fees”.

    It will be “interesting”, indeed. :em05:

  7. 7
    DJ Allyn, MPSE growls and barks:

    BC, Imperial Torturer says:

    So Manafort is going to spill the beans on the collusion of a presidential campaign with the Russians to affect the outcome of our election?

    In all honesty? Who knows? I don’t, and for sure, YOU don’t know the depth of information that Manafort has and who it will effect.

    That’s kind of the point. We want to know what HE knows.

    Will the information he has take down the Trump Administration and/or Trump himself?

    I doubt it.

    But I would be surprised if it didn’t hit at least one of the three kids and Jared.

    Yeah, I know, Manafort was tried and found guilty on some old tax cases and money laundering cases that pre-dated the election. And yes, those charges were made in order to pressure him into coming clean his more recent activities leading up to his offering to chair Trump’s campaign — for free.

    This was a man who found himself heavily in debt to a Russian oligarch with ties to Putin and the Russian mob. (which are usually one and the same) When Manafort got the gig, he contacted this oligarch to let him know of his new-found position in the Trump campaign:

    In one April exchange days after Trump named Manafort as a campaign strategist, Manafort referred to his positive press and growing reputation and asked, “How do we use to get whole?”

    Manafort’s offer of daily briefings with Russian billionaire Oleg Deripaska about the campaign also raises a LOT of questions as to what Manafort’s real angle was here.

    MY suspicions — which are about as useful as a fart in a shit factory — are that Manafort was desperate in trying to get out from under some huge debts with some not-so-friendly Russians and so he did what he was doing without the knowledge of the Trump family for the most part.

    While he wanted Trump to win, his motives were completely different than those of Trump.

    And I think that Trump caught on in August of 2016 and pushed Manafort out.

    I have NO doubt that Manafort is dirty as all get-out. Same with his partner, Rick Gates. And his other partner, Roger Stone and some others. ALL had their dirty hands in the Trump campaign.

    But that by itself doesn’t equate with the TRUMP’s being involved.

    There is a lot of evidence in the public now that shows that there WAS a Russian interference into the 2016 elections. They DID hack into the political servers of BOTH parties, and the servers in 21 states. We know that stolen emails from the DNC servers were modified and selectively released to the public in order to make things look different than what they were. Whether that had any effect on the election itself — NOBODY KNOWS, BECAUSE NOBODY EVER LOOKED INTO IT.

    (Hint: When the intelligence community came out in early 2017 with their report, they specifically said that they did not reach a conclusion as to whether Russia’s activities were effective — because they didn’t look into any of that. So when people say that the intelligence community didn’t find any evidence that Russia’s activities changed the election, it means that the IC didn’t look into that part.)

    There’s a reason why Robert Mueller immediately went after Paul Manafort. Manafort was already on their radar. In addition to the order appointing Robert Mueller as the Special Counsel, there was also a memo entitled, “The Scope of Investigation and Definition of Authority” that specifically mentioned Paul Manafort’s activities as a place to start.

    The biggest problem that Donald J. Trump has is his inability to just shut that giant maw of his. It’s his mouth (and his fingers) that are getting him into trouble. It is also what got Nixon in trouble.

    Nixon didn’t get into trouble because of a ‘third rate burglary’. He got his ass into trouble by trying to cover it up. He got into trouble trying to find the ‘leaks’ in his White House. He got into trouble by trying to OBSTRUCT an official federal investigation.

    Clinton got into trouble for trying to OBSTRUCT an investigation also. It will be what causes Trump to be impeached (but not removed from office)

    The sad thing? All of this probably would have ended with Manafort and a slew of Russians. But because Trump insists on making this all about HIM, he will end up being burned by it too.

  8. 8
    BC, Imperial Torturer growls and barks:

    I notice that you conveniently left out the entire point of my comment. That shows that the nail was hit directly on the head. :em05:

  9. 9
    DJ Allyn, MPSE growls and barks:

    BC, Imperial Torturer says:

    I notice that you conveniently left out the entire point of my comment. That shows that the nail was hit directly on the head.

    Sorry. I was only focusing on FACTS. All the rest is nothing but supposition and myth.

    Had you read my comment, you would have noticed that I didn’t really expect Manafort to have all that much to tell about Donald Trump in all of this — but more about what MANAFORT did to collude with Russia in order to swing the election towards Trump.

    It doesn’t mean that Trump had anything to do with it himself.

    After all, this whole investigation is to find out what happened, and who was involved. I think it’s always been a pretty good bet that Manafort is up to his eyeballs in all of this.

    It is also a pretty good bet that Donald J. Trump himself didn’t have anything to do with anything.

    But it certainly isn’t going to stop Trump from TRYING to make this all about him — he’s been doing it from the very beginning.

    WHY? Because he can’t stand having a news cycle without it all being about HIM. Regardless of whether it is negative or not.

  10. 10
    LC Mike in Chi growls and barks:

    DJ Allyn, MPSE says:

    But it certainly isn’t going to stop Trump from TRYING to make this all about him — he’s been doing it from the very beginning.

    To me, President Don’s tweets whisper, “Heeere I am, fishie, fishie, fishie…come and get it.”

  11. 11
    DJ Allyn, MPSE growls and barks:

    To me, President Don’s tweets whisper, “Heeere I am, fishie, fishie, fishie…come and get it.”

    Yeah, I get it — making this all out to be a joke. But if you ever find yourself on the sharp end of any of this, you will quickly learn that there really isn’t all that much to laugh about. Especially in the federal criminal justice system. Those people are as serious as a heart attack.

    If you go back and check my comments on this topic, you will find that I’ve restricted my comments to the actual legal procedures and the law. I have NOT offered my opinion on guilt.

    I’ve been through this wringer myself before. There is NOTHING to joke about.

  12. 12
    LC Sir Clambake, Imperial Black Ops Technician, K.o.E. growls and barks:

    Hey, Deej? When you get the emojis working, can you put in a facepalm?