Shortest Trade War in History

We’ve been busy for a couple of days again, but we couldn’t help but notice that the “Trade War That Will Destroy Us ALL!!™” barely had time to get started before it was called off with victory declared for our side (and theirs, when you think about it, which is exactly why they surrendered. They’re not that stupid).

We’re speaking, of course, about the “trade war” against the EU, which ended within hours of the EU commissar Juncker meeting with our President.

And we’re glad, for all parties involved.

Not that we expected it to last for much longer than it did, not even slightly.

What the President did wasn’t starting a trade war, he just happened to be the first of our Presidents to commence shooting back in the one we were already in and had been in for decades.

He told the EUnuchs that he was on to what they’d been doing and that the gig was up, we weren’t going to stand for it anymore. Free trade OK, but only if it’s actually free, which it wasn’t by any stretch of the imagination. He told them that they could either cut the B.S., or he’d start firing back. They shrugged, imagining that he, like all previous Presidents, was all hat and no cattle.

So he started firing back and, lo and behold, an agreement was reached pretty much immediately, as was inevitable.

Again, we’re glad that that’s behind us. We also believe in free trade but, unlike some so-called smart people, we only believe in it when it’s actually free, which it wasn’t.

Oh how the punditry wailed when our tariffs were declared. They didn’t understand that for a threat to be effective, you have to carry it all the way through. They didn’t get that nobody wants a trade war, the tariffs were only put into place to put the squeeze on our opponents. How were they ever going to pay attention if we refused to bring the pain? Yes, it would hurt us too, but the point is that it would hurt them more.

That’s kind of how wars work in the real world: They hurt both sides. The trick to winning one is to make sure that your own pain is minimized while theirs is maximized. Hence the much-decried farm subsidies to help our farmers through while the shortest “war” in recent memory was fought. Just like you buy more tanks and planes in a real war. Those aren’t free either, yet you can’t hope to win the war without them.

No, we’re not tired of winning yet.



  1. 1
    Terrapod growls and barks:

    Speaking of trade, and seeing that CA and likely the whole west coast is going insane, I have a newly patent pending device that makes straws on demand, out of metal, at the point of sale. The Strawinator 5000 (TM) will occupy not much more space than a pair of stacked shoe boxes. What is even better, when the user is done with said straw, they simply toss it back into the melting pot and it gets recycled on the spot. I am sure there might be some attrition by persons keeping their straws, but that too is covered as it will be 100% illegal to use these straws for any other purposes (except perhaps fishing or re-loading).

    See, to keep costs down, the straws are made of extruded lead, yes, humble old Plumberum, used for piping for over 5000 years. One can say it has passed the test of time, seeing that there are now over 7 billion of us on this rock, in spite of lead use for five millennia.

    Of course the nanny staters will be aghast, but never fear, no lead will touch the lips or the product being consumed as the lead straws are run through a bees wax reservoir on exiting the machine, lining the inside and outside of the straw with wax before use.

    Clean, hygienic and totally re-recyclable. As the wax boils off the melting pot, the vapors are condensed back to liquid and again, re-used. It can even be shaped and bent as needed.

    Seems to me the whole issue is solved, nu? :em01:

  2. 2
    LCBren growls and barks:

    Ive decided that San Francisco needs a rename.

    It is now called San Francisco :

    Why? Its a city with a very large colon :em07: :em05: :em05: :em01:

  3. 3
    Terrapod growls and barks:

    San Fransicko maybe? :em05:

    Sad part is my wife wants to go visit again, last time we were there was 7 years ago, before it went to total defecon 10. I have told her “NO”, wine country tours maybe, but not the city.

  4. 4
    Fa Cube Itches growls and barks:

    LCBren @ #:2

    Ive decided that San Francisco needs a rename.

    Gus Hall City, District of Marx

  5. 5
    Emperor Misha I growls and barks:

    LCBren says:

    Ive decided that San Francisco needs a rename.

    They should make an online poll!!!

    What’s the worst that can happen?

    At the very least, the channers will have fun with it.