Reflections in early morning

Im still here. Living quietly and yes still alive…I know I havent been posting much but trust me, the lungs still work and the heart, broken as it is, still beats.

They say that the longer you go, the easier it is. Not sure they are right, but God knows I am trying. I wish time and again that the rest of you Rotties could have met the lady who was of my life, you would have loved her.

Tough as nails and a heart that is bigger than Texas, capable and warm, loving mixed in with a Scots temper and red hair to match.

The day she passed away, she sent me home. Not off to get lunch..home. She already knew that her mother would be at a funeral, she knew her time was coming and that God was calling her home, and she sent me away. In her last hours, she wanted to go alone..why I will never understand.

I was her husband, we all are husbands, we know with every shred of our being that our place is at the side of the one we adore..but she chose to take that last step alone. I, fool that I was, acceded to her wishes as I always had, and now, years later, I still ask myself why.

So now I am left with memories, grief, an ache in my heart that may never heal. She told me more than once to go on, to keep fighting, to live. I will, I promised her that and I will, as always, do as she wanted.

So yes I am still here.

Where I will be in a year’s time I dont know..ask me in a year…all I see now is tomorrow..the rest can look after itself. The fire is gone. That spirit, that flame inside that was part of me died the day she did..I cant even get angry about the political crap now, none of it matters anymore.

I try to get my head around why so many sick bastards and evil fucks still walk this earth.

So yes, I am still here.

12 comments

  1. 1
    Fa Cube Itches growls and barks:

    “I try to get my head around why so many sick bastards and evil fucks still walk this earth.”

    That one’s easy – nobody ever bothers to take them out. Those that are incapable of doing so; well, they just can’t. Those that are capable of doing so, don’t.

  2. 2
    irish19 growls and barks:

    My condolences on your loss. While it will never go away, I will pray that it gets easier to bear.

  3. 3
    Terrapod growls and barks:

    Brendan, friends are still here to listen and support. We each deal with loss in our own way and have to figure it out individually. It brings tears to my eyes to think of your loss which links to my own in sympathy. Looking forward to what tomorrow will bring and the chance to see something new (rare as that is) is motivation enough. Amazing things can happen when one least expects. Fortis ex animo.

  4. 4
    LCBrendan growls and barks:

    I was in two minds whether to post this or not. Not exactly Rottie material, but I dont think Misha will mind.

    Look, I am doing okay and pushng forward, no need to worry…just,.some days are harder than others.

  5. 5
    Spin Drift growls and barks:

    Mr. LCBrendan:

    You sound like someone who has given up. Didn’t think that would ever apply to one who is known as a Rottie. Your loss is your loss as my loss is my loss. How we bear it is a decision that is made in the quiet moments of the night. Those deep places where we question ourselves and our G*ds and ask the unanswerable whys. But as it was put to me, suck it up butter cup and put one foot in front of the other and carry on. No moping around calling woe is me but to gather our strength, husband our memories and move forward, always forward. Life is harsh, but that is what makes it so fulfilling. Embrace the next breath and change the things you can and fight for the things you can’t. Godspeed on your next step.

    Spin

  6. 6
    LCBrendan growls and barks:

    No I have not given up Spin, far from it.

  7. 7
    Just Another Random Nut, GLOR growls and barks:

    My condolences to you on the loss of your wife :( But I do have some thoughts to share. It’s said in psychological circles that the dying ask only for the presence of people with whom they need to make peace or resolve an issue before they go. If she sent you away, I’m guessing that it was because she was at peace with you and chose to die alone because she had made her peace with others.

    Losing someone close to you is hard, but the only way through is for life to go on. Some days will be diamonds and others stone, but it gets better with time.

    And no, I certainly don’t mind you posting on this topic. I should brighten your day, though … apparently the money trail for where that Russian Trump dossier came from points straight at Felonia von Pantsuit according to the WashingtonTimes. Looking for another source..,.

    EDIT: Here’s the original link I have: http://m.washingtontimes.com/news/2017/oct/25/hillary-clintons-campaign-accused-of-election-law-/

  8. 8
    Spin Drift growls and barks:

    Glad to hear it Mr. Brendan.

    Spin

  9. 9
    LC hilljohnny growls and barks:

    good to hear from you.

  10. 10
    lc purple raider growls and barks:

    It’s hard to do, surviving.

    Hope we can do it for a few more years.

    Prayers sent!

  11. 11
    M167A1 growls and barks:

    Do her proud by living as she would have wished you to.

  12. 12
    Emperor Misha I growls and barks:

    Keep on keeping on, my friend, you’re doing great work. :em01:
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