So, well, that settles it.
The former DNI, James “Lying to Congress” Clapper, categorically denies that any wiretapping of Trump even happened. Heck, even god-king Hussein denies it, so obviously it never happened! OK, in all fairness, all captain precious princess Hussein said was that he never ordered it, which, well, duh.
“Will nobody rid me of this turbulent priest?” (hint, hint).
Anyway, if a perjurer like Clapper says it isn’t true, then it can’t possibly be true.
OK, we’ll wait. Get it out of your systems. Alright already, stop laughing!
It does leave us with a bit of a conundrum, though, but that’s maybe because we’re not dumb enough to be a Prozi.
Was it something we dreamed, or were there a yuge number of those Prozimedia “anonymous sources say” stories about Trump and co. chatting it up with the Dread Russians™ in highly inappropriate ways (unlike Ted Chappaquiddick Kennedy’s very carefully documented (by the Rooskies, no less) conversations with the Soviets about how they could best help him bring that dreadful Reagan down, all of which was very much appropriate, of course), stories that quite frequently mentioned wiretaps definitively proving, if only it could be proven that it wasn’t all in the Fake News Prozimedia’s heads, that Trump was two shots of vodka away from breaking out in a hearty rendition of proshanie slavyanki?
Allow us to digress for a second (as if you could stop us, we’re the Emperor after all, and our Powers of Digression are unstoppable), but the more we think about the whole “Russians Hacked the Election Because They Love Trump!”, the more we start thinking that we might need a bottle or two of Russia’s Finest.
We mean, think about it for a second. The Russians, aided by their mystical Russian Mind Control Rays, managed to force the Prozi Party to write highly damaging and compromising emails to each other and then managed to force the now zombified voters in swing states to go vote for a candidate they didn’t want to vote for in the first place? Not to mention their 133+ H4x0r 5k|11z breaking John Molesta’s password (it’s “password”, in case you want to be a 133+ Ru55|4n H4x0r too).
All of this to get a candidate elected whose stated goals were to strengthen the U.S. military, make the U.S. energy independent and, indeed, a net exporter of energy (which surely can’t help the Russian natural gas and oil industry), kick Russia’s new ally Iran in the nads and generally stop us from running around like headless chickens on the global scene. Oh, and did we mention President Trump’s stated goal of invigorating NATO by letting them know that they would do well to consider paying the club fees for once? Yep, that’s the ticket. If there’s one thing we know that Vladimir Vladimirovich really has at the top of his wish list, it’s an independently strong European branch of NATO on his borders.
For G-d’s sakes, would you stop laughing already?
Alright, so some might say that Putin’s goal was to get a split, divided America embroiled in internal nonsense, leaving him with the rest of the world to do with as he pleased.
Which absolutely wouldn’t have happened if Felonia von Pantsuit had won, as we all know. Everything would be brotherly love, unified purpose and unicorns shitting Skittles across the fruited plains if that had happened. Just think of how god-king Jugears held the entire world firmly in his hands throughout his 8 years of error.
Alright… This is your last warning. One more outburst of hysterical laughter from you guys and it’s the Comfy Chair! Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
Anyway… all we have to say is that if Vlad’s master plan was to weaken the U.S. by keeping Felonia von Incompetence (did we spell “incontinence” right?) out of power, then he really isn’t all the mastermind that the braindead Prozis crack him up to be.
Back to the wiretapping that “never happened.”
So we have all of those Fake News stories from last week’s coordinated 5 minutes of hysteria based on anonymous leaks based, again, on wire tapping that never happened… Wait, something doesn’t add up here.
The way we see it is that if Jimbo the Perjurer is speaking the truth, then the Fake News Media lied from beginning to end about their “explosive revelations about Trump’s collaboration with Rooskies” because their “revelations” were based on stuff that never happened, and if he isn’t, then the Fake News Media is lying from beginning to end about the wiretaps never happening.
Yeah, that President Trump sure is one heck of an ignorant buffoon, isn’t he?
Once again, he set himself up in a position where, no matter what the outcome is, he wins.
And, also once again, we’ll be praying to our L-rd above tonight that He bless us with the same kind of “clownish incompetence” that President Trump is “cursed” with, because that can’t help but turn out very well for our noble self indeed.