And now, the post that we know you’ve all been waiting for, in which we bite our tongue, guzzle ridiculous and, honestly, unsafe amounts of Russkiy Standart and think happy thoughts in order to keep from busting several vessels while trying to respond to Prozi Twatter questions. For the original answers by John Hawkins, much safer for family viewing, go here.

6) Noah Wasserman?@nmwass How do conservatives square a pro-life abortion policy with persistent attacks against the welfare state?

We’re going to need a bigger bottle. Sorry, what? What is it that the youngsters say these days until you want to strap their bottoms? Oh yes. “We can’t even!” Is there a question in there or is that a textbook example of a non sequitur just waiting to be chiseled into marble and be displayed in the yet to be built Imperial Temple of Illogical Moronitudes?

How is not murdering the unborn support for the welfare state? Or are you saying that… No, we really can’t make sense of it.

If we buy kippers it will not rain?

Next, please. The density of that ClueFucked Field™ is impenetrable.

7) Privately Worrying ?@derivativeburke If conservatives believed in the marketplace of ideas, and observed voter fraud is low, wouldn’t they want everyone to vote?

Yes. Every single citizen. Did we ever say otherwise? Okay, so we may have hinted in the past that there are citizens who really ought to at least advance past a Pre-K level of understanding of, well, everything before they ought to vote, them voting is like having a coke-addled chimp performing a quadruple bypass blindfolded, with both paws tied behind its back, underwater, in full MOPP gear, but that’s what the Constitution says they can, so we’re sort of obligated to defend it. Against all enemies. Foreign and domestic.

Nevertheless, there’s that word “citizen” that you don’t seem to understand. Why is that important? Why, perhaps because citizens, as opposed to dead people or illegal aliens, have a vested interest in the kind of government that the nation they’re citizens of ends up with. The dead people don’t much care about anything, and the illegal locusts can always just swarm to a different nation if they don’t like the flavor of their free ice cream that everybody else, those citizens again, PAY FOR. Through this thing called “taxes” that apply to citizens.

Yes, you really need to Google that word. Here you go.

8) Sandycpf ?@Framerchick Why are they so against an investigation into Russian ties with Donald Trump?

Who the Hades ever said we were ever against any sort of investigation of that sort? If we were to come up with a reason at gunpoint, it might be that it would be a colossal waste of money, but we know that you Prozis don’t have a problem with that as long as it serves your ends, but we’d actually, personally, welcome an investigation into it so we could at long last get the FakeNews ProziMedia’s nonsense laid to rest where it belongs. Right alongside them. In a nice mass grave. With pretty flowers. Maybe a few trees too. Tastefully arranged.

Of course, we’d have to insist that it be done by an actual serious authority untainted by partisan malice, and it’s going to take a while to get the Augean stables cleaned out.

As a matter of fact, this investigation has been ongoing ever since Felonia von Pantsuit and the Prozi Party settled on the Russians as the scapegoat for the embarrassing leaks that exposed the Prozi Party’s corrupt, illegal dealings to the American public that they’d up until then managed to keep hidden. What happened to “transparency”, Prozis? Please explain that to us. Anyway, the thing about this relentless investigating into whether those dastardly Russians (who were the BFFs of the Prozi Party right up until the Soviet Union collapsed) is that so far we have, on one side, a stream of “unnamed sources” and “many experts” vs. a shitload of named, credentialed people who say that there’s no “there” there.

But, by all means, let’s investigate. Let’s just do it right for once. It’ll be fun.

Exit question: If you Prozis are so adamant in saying that “voter fraud doesn’t exist”, then why are you so very much against investigating the issue?

Take your time. We’ve got 8 years.

9) Political Troll ?@polititrolls What is up with the obsession some conservatives have with cuckoldry?

It describes perfectly the behavior of the Surrender Party and their obsessive urge to roll over and show their bellies whenever their Prozi Party masters growl.

Also, it drives them positively insane with impotent fury.

Alright, we have to admit that the last part is the best part. When you’re trying to annoy a pig, focus on what makes it squeal the loudest.

10) Bae Talese ?@elongreen Why don’t conservatives seem to give a damn about climate change?

Pete Sikora ?@PeteSikora1 Why are conservatives so into climate denial when their future is also at stake?

Why are you imbeciles so pathologically obsessed with something for which no reproducible, predictable scientific proof has been produced? It’s almost as if you’re members of some weird cult or something. For people who love to run around with their sub-90 IQs proudly on display while loudly proclaiming how much they fucking LOVE science, it really is sort of amazing how little they know about the definition of it.

Or unsurprising, actually.

Here’s the thing, once more and slowly for those of you still struggling with advancing up the evolutionary ladder to the point where at least the dogs can’t piss on you anymore: There are NO conservatives with an IQ above room temperature who are in “climate denial”. We all know that climate exists. We used to call it “the weather.” Nor are there any of us who are in “climate change denial.” Guess what? The weather changes. Mankind (we hope that you one day join us) has known that since we were slapping our feces on cave walls for Prozis to call “art” 50,000 years later.

So kindly quit with your “cute” attempts to conflate scientific skepticism (that’s the core of actual science, you know) with Holocaust Denial. No, you’re not fooling anybody. Except for turnips, and they’re already on your side. It’s pretty much all you have on your side, so why bother?

What we are doing is being skeptical of the so far entirely unfounded claim that human CO2 emissions are the cause of the, for the past two decades at least, non-existent change in average temperatures in an upwards direction. Unfounded because, well, obviously, the average temperatures haven’t increased even though we’ve been emitting CO2 in that period like it was going out of style. Unless you trust the massaged numbers that have declared, for the past 8 years (we’re sure that’s a complete coincidence), that every single year has been the hottest year ever recorded in human history. Which is funny, because some of us actually do have memories extending way past last week’s episode of The View, all the way back to the scorching summers of 2000 or 2011.

Also, if every year truly was the hottest year in recorded history, then where are the fucking vineyards that the Romans had in Britain?

And, finally, if CO2 levels and industrialization is to blame, then what, exactly, ended the last Ice Age? Mammoths riding V8s to school?

Oh, and let’s not go into the fact that the AGW cultist’s models can’t even predict past weather if you enter the data from the previous periods into them.

Yes, we’d be terribly worried about it since our futures, indeed, would be at stake. If it were true. We also DO note that the climate of our planet changes, we’re not ideologically blinded like some people we could mention, but we’d rather invest our limited resources into limiting the effects of it than throwing them into projects that have as much to do with science as journalism has to do with facts.


By Emperor Misha I

Ruler of all I survey -- and then some.

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