20 Prozi Questions to the Emperor, Part the First.

John Hawkins, G-d bless him for his saintly patience and perseverance in his quest to work with the mentally ill in order to improve their wretched lives, took to Twatter to offer Prozis a chance to ask a conservative questions.

In an even more astounding display of kindness and superhuman restraint, he then went ahead and answered their deranged delusions with patience, logic and understanding where His Imperial Vileness would have much preferred to just take the opportunity to improve the protein content of the Imperial Lions’ diet. It’s well worth reading, and it might come in handy, should you ever find yourself in circumstances where the disjointed howls and screeches of a Prozi interrupt your daily routine and you’re legally or otherwise restrained from dealing with the flustered fuckwit in an appropriate fashion.

WE, on the other hand, are not known for our patience when it comes to suffering the demented dreck of fools, so here are our answers. We’ll try to be constructive, and we fully expect Hosannahs and much praise for our efforts when we do, but we guarantee nothing.

1) JC ?@JCrock_ Do R’s honestly believe voter fraud is a real issue and not just a blatant excuse to suppress min vote. Please provide proof.

Yes, we do. And there is plenty of evidence that it does happen, documented evidence at that. If you’re too lazy to use Google and/or can’t read for comprehension, we’re obliged to tell you to do your own blasted work. We’re not your mother. Thank Dis.

Further, we find it very interesting that every single country on the face of this planet that A) has a voting system and B) ISN’T the United States, has a system for demanding proof of eligibility prior to casting a vote. It would seem an awful waste of resources to us if there were “no proof of voter fraud”. But obviously you know better than the entirety, minus the United States, of the planet.

Furthermore, just how in the name of Pluto’s barbed cock does voter ID requirements “suppress the minority vote” (just go ahead and say it: black voters. It’s what you mean, only you’re too cowardly to say it out loud) as long as accepted forms of ID are readily available, if necessary for free? Unless you’re suggesting, of course, that “minorities” are too damn stupid to find and walk down to the local DMV/courthouse, or too primitively backwards to own a bank account or drive a motor vehicle, neither of which you can do without proof of identity.

That wouldn’t be very “progressive” of you, would it. But it would be perfectly Prozi. A certain rather well-known Austrian who used to goosestep all over our ancestral lands would be very proud of you and have you enrolled in the Jungvolk right quick. With honors.

2) Michele Passarelli ?@ShellyPass Why are conservatives anti-progress?

First off, Sweet Lips, look up “progress” in the dictionary. You’ll be shocked, but ultimately grateful as you graduate from your room in mommy and daddy’s house. For instance, we think that ending slavery was pretty progressive of us, no matter how hard we had to beat Democrats silly to get it done. And let’s not get started on the Civil Rights Act. Oh, if you could have heard the wails, screams and banging of fists from your “progressive” standard bearers, the Democrats, as we forced them to swallow it.

We’re not against progress, and “conservative” does not, as your young, untrained mind obviously thinks, mean “let’s conserve everything as it is now, for all eternity.” We only seek, nay, demand to conserve that which works until a better alternative can be found. And it’s on whoever comes up with that alternative to prove to the rest of us that their alternative is better than what we already have, in every single imaginable way.

Oh, and demanding that mankind gives up all of the advantages of modern technology, advantages such as hot and cold running water, affordable energy, roomy housing and so on, in order to “be closer to and more respectful of nature” is not progress. That’s in the opposite direction. It would be damnably hard for you to twunt from your smartphone if there were no plugs to stick the charger in, no?

Think before you speak. And make us a sandwich while you’re doing it, if you please.

3) Christopher Wensley?@mipolitico If you’re a Christian how do you reconcile Good Samaritan/Sermon of the Mount with Trump denying Arab children safe passage?

Oh how we do so love it when somebody who is obviously not a Christian presumes to lecture us on the tenets our faith. Yes, that was sarcasm and no, that also isn’t “un-Christian.”

Here’s the thing that you Prozis refuse to understand because you either can’t read or refuse to do so (it’s not like it’s hard to find a copy of the Holy Bible. We even give them away for free): Christ does not command us to go forth and do good deeds. That would be silly because then, and this is the next part, the deeds that we did wouldn’t be good at all. They’d be deeds we’d done because somebody told us to. He urges us to do good deeds, but there is no command in there, nor is there a “you’re not a Christian unless you do what I say”.

Why not? Good question, one that you should have asked in the unlikely event that you had any interest in actually learning something in your entire wretched life, and the answer is this: A deed isn’t a good, Christian deed unless it’s done voluntarily and demands the efforts of only the person who does it. Coercion makes it a nullity. If I were to walk over to your house and tell you, at gunpoint, to go hand over all of your possessions to your neighbor, I wouldn’t have done a good, Christian deed no matter how much the neighbor would surely appreciate it. And nor would you have, because you didn’t do it because you wanted to. You did it because you had to.

And ordering random Americans all over our nation to risk the lives of themselves and their families by importing a group of individuals who are, provably, a risk to life and limb (more than 30,000 mooselimb terror attacks since 9/11 and counting), is manifestly NOT a “good deed.” It’s coercion of the most brutal kind, especially since none of the useless parasites in DC who would be passing such a measure would in any way run any risk of said group of dangerous individuals getting anywhere near their gated, heavily protected communities.

If you, on the other hand, personally, want to let Mustafa, Fatima and their 19 “teenage” sons crash on your couch and if you, personally, assume full responsibility, legally and otherwise, for any acts that they may commit, then…

Until then, mind thine own businethe. It’s in the Bible. Look it up.

4) mrcz0323 ?@mrcz032308 Why do so many people say Trump isn’t racist? Or say they voted for him despite that and feel ok with it?

That one is easy: Because there is absolutely zero evidence that he is. If there is, please provide us with some. No, pisslam isn’t a “race.” Nor is “Mexican.” Just trying to save you some time there.

5) blue in a red state ?@thewaybyelle Doesn’t the president alarm you? What do you think about mass resignations & attempts to silence agencies?

Alarm us? Not really. Why? Has he given us any reason to? Mind you, he might have and we haven’t noticed. The man is a hard worker and it’s hard to keep up. Please elaborate. If you can.

Oh, and there were no “mass resignations.” Try reading something based on facts, which is to say anything that is not called “mainstream media.” You’d be better off reading The Onion. At least they’re occasionally funny. Those resignations roll in every time we switch Presidents, since the ones holding the positions hold them at the sufferance of the President, who is by then no longer, well, President. Sometimes they’re accepted, sometimes they’re not.

Besides, considering the gargantuan clusterfuck that has been the last 8 years when those idiots held their positions, there haven’t been enough resignations. They should all be let go.

Finally, keep in mind that the agencies that you wail about being “silenced” are also employed at the sufferance of the sitting President and are therefore supposed to work in accordance with his agenda, even if it’s one that your chafed butt doesn’t like. They’re not entitled little snowflakes who get to say and do whatever the Hades they please with no consequences, any more than you are in your job as assistant milk foamer at Starbucks. Try badmouthing your boss or hurting his business. Do tell us how that works out for you. Yeah, it’s called “Funemployment”, except we expect the Prozi Party to mothball that term now that one of theirs isn’t in office anymore.

That’s all for now, more to follow.


  1. 1
    fporretto growls and barks:

    The problem here is what I think of as the “Four Legs Good, Two Legs Bad” effect. The Left isn’t held together by reason, nor is it interested in the reasoned opinions of those who disagree with it. Rather, it’s something like an old-style cult. Its glue is acceptance and mindless chanting. To separate a single soul from the pack, he must be divorced from his former associates completely, such that they cannot re-enfold him and cause him to feel that “there’s no warmth or salvation outside our flock.” The problem is made worse by anti-individualism propaganda, and of course the “vision of differential rectitude” (Thomas Sowell) promulgated by Leftist mouthpieces.

  2. 2
    Ironbear growls and barks:

    The Emperor is far too kind to these poor benighted souls. They are not worthy.

    Me, I’d have just impaled them as an example to others that, yes, there is such a thing as a question that’s too stupid to answer.

    Then again, I guess the borders of the Empire really don’t need any more wall ornaments, so I really should cut back on my “Impale a Proggie for Misha!” program a bit, huh?

  3. 3
    angrywebmaster growls and barks:

    My brother, who voted for Trump, :em01: made a comment on how things have changed on Facebook where you can’t have rational discussions anymore.
    I’m the political junkie in the family, and if anyone should be ripping Progressives a new one, it’s me. (Well, there IS my blog, but I’m not at your level)
    I commented to the fact that if anyone was going to “Go off” on the leftards, it would be me, and I haven’t really done so. Well, a little light trolling. After all, All your base are belong to Trump now.
    My nephew, who also voted for Trump remarked on the fact that I wasn’t tee’ing off on the leftards.
    No, I just like to chum the waters a bit and let others nuke them from orbit. It is the only way to be sure after all.

  4. 4
    LCBrendan growls and barks:

    One addendum, Sire.

    5) blue in a red state ?@thewaybyelle Doesn’t the president alarm you? What do you think about mass resignations & attempts to silence agencies?

    Dear Sir or Madam, since it is obvious you have never worked a day in your life, allow me to explain this to you in a kind manner.

    No staffmember, anywhere, in any job anywhere, in the US or elsewhere, is ever allowed to make public announcements or posts or commentary on social media from any work system, as this is seen as on behalf of the company, and it has been standard procedure for AT LEAST the lasty forty years, both here in Aus and in the US, that ANY staffmember of any stripe is NEVER to speak to the Press, the LameStream media, any magazine or journal, and is NEVER to make public statements on policy that can and will be used by said media on penalty of instant dismissal.

    Instant dismissal as in your ass wont even SEE the ground on the way out the door.

    ANY AND ALL of said statements are ALWAYS to be issued by Public Relations, Investor Relations, or a duly authorised and designated person who is tasked with said statements AFTER they have been cleared by higher management.


    Where said statements are being issued from a FEDERAL agency, the consequences of making political statements from an agency that falls under the direct aegis of the Office of the President of the United States being what they are, far too numerous and complex for your sadly neglected excuse for a brain that would make an Epsilon Double Minus Utter Moron look like Einstein, it is essential that this procedure be followed to the letter.

    I am aware that a would be one day burger flipper like yourself hads never heard of this, as it is obvious to me that you are too fucking stupid to be trusted with washing the dishes, let alone being allowed anything as complicated as a computer.

    No no, please, dont thank me.

    – LC Brendan
    Apprentice to BC, the Imperial Torturer
    Office of the Oceanic Branch of the Rottweiler Empire.

  5. 5
    Just Another Random Nut, GLOR growls and barks:

    Brendan, in most agencies I’ve worked for, limited personal use of social media from work machines is normally permitted on a break or similar (there are exceptions). What isn’t permitted is representing yourself as a spokesperson, using agency/company logos as part of your profile, or speaking of any thing or matter that is SBU, PII, or otherwise controlled information. I handle this very simply – I don’t specify on social media the company for whom I work or the agency to whom I am contracted 🙂 that’s the safest method.

    And, for those who care, no, I’m not scared for my job.

  6. 6
    LC Grammar Czar, G.L.O.R. growls and barks:

    Ironbear sez:

    “Then again, I guess the borders of the Empire really don’t need any more wall ornaments, so I really should cut back on my “Impale a Proggie for Misha!” program a bit, huh?”

    Suckup. 8-P Sorry, I haven’t posted in so long, I forgot how to do replies with quotes.

  7. 7
    LCBrendan growls and barks:

    I stand corrected.:)

  8. 8
    Ironbear growls and barks:

    LC Grammar Czar, G.L.O.R. @ #:


    *snicker* Well, yeah. So?

  9. 9
    Emperor Misha I growls and barks:

    Ironbear says:

    Then again, I guess the borders of the Empire really don’t need any more wall ornaments, so I really should cut back on my “Impale a Proggie for Misha!” program a bit, huh?

    Nah, just tone it down a bit on the southwestern border. They’re getting a bit rank, and being downwind of them… Well, you know…

  10. 10
    VonZorch Imperial Researcher growls and barks:

    fporretto @ #:
    I consider them herd animals, there is nothing so terrible as the response of a herd to that which is not of the herd.

  11. 11
    Emperor Misha I growls and barks:

    fporretto says:

    The Left isn’t held together by reason, nor is it interested in the reasoned opinions of those who disagree with it. Rather, it’s something like an old-style cult. Its glue is acceptance and mindless chanting. To separate a single soul from the pack, he must be divorced from his former associates completely, such that they cannot re-enfold him and cause him to feel that “there’s no warmth or salvation outside our flock.”

    Nailed it in one, Francis. That is exactly how it works, and I know from personal experience. I was one of them, as you know, and the more I think back on it, the more I realize that it was, indeed, a cult. Funny thing is, people usually say that youngsters getting into cults are sad loners looking for a place to belong, which I never was. I was then as I am now in that respect, not really giving a damn about “belonging” to anything, but that only goes to show that nobody is immune. What I saw, unless my memory fails me, was a group of individuals (how funny that seems in retrospect) who were as determined to shake up the old order, as confident and as smug and all-knowing as I saw myself.

    I thought I saw like-minded spirits. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

    Thinking back, I don’t remember a single instance of my comrades, particularly those higher up in the hierarchy, as much as suggesting that “right-wingers” were somebody to defeat on the battlefield of ideas, not even somebody to even talk to, because they were the enemy, utterly impervious to reason, and only within our own ranks could we ever find individuals (there is that word again) who were open to convincing. And as I rose in rank, I internalized it to the point where I believed it myself. Nothing without the party.

    It’s really laughable when I think about it, and I like to consider myself at least halfway intelligent.

    Then I actually met some of those dread right-wingers. I had friends who belonged on that side and, more importantly, there was this fair lass whom I’d developed a crush on, not even knowing what her politics were, and suddenly I found myself being invited to their get-togethers and, hey, what could possibly go wrong for a young revolutionary, filled with the spirit of Marx, Lenin and Mao? Worst case scenario, I’d get to spend a while drinking their booze and being close to the object of my desire. I could always laugh at their ignorant foolishness later. They honeyed words would never sway me, I’d never forsake my only true comrades without whom I was but another mindless cog in the bourgeois machine.

    And they didn’t try to convince me about anything. Inasmuch as they even gave a damn about my convictions, and mostly they did not, it was only to ask me about them, offer their opinion in return and then leave it at “we agree to disagree.” No animosity, no condescension, no disinvite from future gatherings.

    Whereas I was used to even the slightest deviation or doubt from the party catechism being met with utmost ferocity and mandatory self-denunciation sessions.

    I was told that life outside the party was a wasteland fraught with dangers, and instead I found a bunch of happy easy-going people who were just interested in hanging out and talking to me, not because they agreed with me or desired to “convert” me, but because they were genuinely curious.

    I suppose that was the beginning of the end of my days as a fanatical communist.

    So what have I learned? Sure, if you want to “deprogram” a commie quickly, the only way would be to abduct them and separate them from the flock, but I’m not entirely sure that’s the most effective way. All you need to do is to sow doubt in them about their core ideas, and do so without trying to “win” an argument. Because you’re right, you can’t reason anybody out of a position that they never used reason to get into. Had my conservative friends tried that one, I would have clammed up and that would have been the end.

    All you can do is lead by example, show that you’re not the monster that they’ve been taught that you are, and all that it takes is to be yourself and then leave it at that.

    I realize that that’s hardly what I’m preaching here, but I’m not on this site to convert commies. I do that on the sly in my daily life. I’m here to mock them, ridicule them and to let them know that I’m on to their game because I was there when the rules were written.

    You don’t always have that luxury, however, and when you don’t, when the chips are down and they’re coming for you, the only way forward is to punch back twice as hard. Again, I know that. I also know that, for all their public bravado, they’re really mostly a bunch of cowardly herd animals, easily defeated when no other options are available by simply offering them uncompromising resistance and relentless force.

    When you can, however, when the vandals aren’t trying to beat down your gates, just be you. You showing yourself to be the diametrical opposite of what they’ve been taught will create a cognitive dissonance that will, sooner or later and definitively when it happens, destroy their cancerous cult’s teachings.