Schadenboner Warning…

Remember, if it lasts for more than 48 hours, seek medical help immediately.

Dear Colleagues,

Both of you.

When we moved into our new building in 2007, we saw it as a modern headquarters for a modern New York Times. We still feel that way.

But as Mark mentioned in the State of The Times last month, after a good deal of consideration, we have determined that the way that we use our headquarters building needs to evolve to better match the changes you and your colleagues have been driving across every part of the company.

More specifically, the drive to run down readership numbers and, as a result, the number of people still on our payroll.

The current way we have configured our office makes us slower and less collaborative. It is also, frankly, too expensive to occupy this many floors when we don’t truly need them.

It just doesn’t make sense to have your office building configured for 1,000 employees when there are only three left. And those three occupy offices on opposite ends of the building.

We’ve made the decision to consolidate our footprint

…as in “assembling the handful of employees left in the janitor’s closet outside the staff room.”

across the building to create a more dynamic, modern and open workplace,

Very open, in fact. Hardly any need for walls when your entire staff will fit comfortably in one room.

one that is better suited to the moment. We’re planning significant investments in a redesign of our existing space in order to facilitate more cross-departmental collaboration.

In the future, every single one of you will be able to communicate directly with every other employee of our Fake News Blog. Simultaneously. As you’ll all be within earshot of each other.

We expect a substantial financial benefit as well. All told, we will vacate at least eight floors,

…out of seven

allowing us to generate significant rental income.

Henceforth our only revenue generator.

In the end, these changes will impact every employee at 620 Eighth Ave. In the near term, we will have to move about 400 employees out of the building to nearby office space

The unemployment office is still “office space”, isn’t it?

No, we’re still not tired of all the #winning, but we really need to do something about this schadenboner before it turns black and falls off.



  1. 1
    angrywebmaster growls and barks:

    So, considering the business acumen of the NYT publishing company, and using the sale of the Boston Globe as a guide, we can get some really cheap office space in New York City!

  2. 2
  3. 3
    FrankOK growls and barks:

    Perhaps the devils should consider why their “business” is sometimes referred to as the “New York SLIMES”.

  4. 4
    FrankOK growls and barks:

    FrankOK says:

    Perhaps the devils should consider why their “business” is sometimes referred to as the “New York SLIMES”.

    I forgot – :em05:
    :em05: :em05:

  5. 5
    irish19 growls and barks:

    Just so chock full of warm, sweet, gooey, schadenfreude-ey goodness, it really boosts my morale. IFKWIMAITYD.


  6. 6
    angrywebmaster growls and barks:

    And to continue the season to be Jolly, We have the Felonia von Pantsuit Holiday Party Wake.

  7. 7
    Radical Redneck growls and barks:

    A Visit From Saint Hillary – Not a limerick

    (Apologies to Clement Moore and also to that other dude Not Clement Moore who totally wrote the original)

    ‘Twas Inaugural Eve, when all through the land
    Not a creature was stirring, not woman nor man
    The bunting was hung by the platform with care
    In hopes that the President soon would be there

    Adult babies were nestled all snug in their safe spots
    While visions of peppermint lattes danced through their thoughts
    And mamma in her kerchief, and I in my bare feet
    Had just settled on the couch to write up some Tweets

    When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
    I sprang from the couch to see what was the matter
    Away to the window I flew like a flash
    Tore open the designer window treatments and threw up the sash

    The moon on the crest of the new-fallen snow
    Gave the lustre of midday to objects below
    When what should my wondering eyeballs now view
    But a nondescript van with a medical crew

    With a little old lady so wrinkled with sag
    I knew in a moment she must be The Hag
    More rapid than eagles her minions they came
    And she cackled, and wheezed, and called them by name

    “Now Weiner! McAuliffe! Podesta and Mills!
    On Huma! Palmieri! On Chelsea and Bill!
    To the top of the platform on the Washington Mall
    Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”

    As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
    When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky
    So up to the Capitol her minions they flew
    With the van full of medication, and Saint Hillary too

    And then, in a twinkling, I heard a guffaw
    The grasping and clinging of each grubby paw
    As I drew in my head, set for taking my lumps
    Down the stairway St. Hillary came with a thump

    She was dressed in polyester, from her head to her foot
    And her clothes were all draped like a baggy Mao suit
    An enemies list she had stashed in her pants
    And she looked like a homeless guy starting a rant

    Her eyes-how they wandered! Gone wild with strabismus!
    She kept sticking her nose into everyone’s business
    Her droll little mouth was drawn back in a sneer
    And the chin whiskers bleached, until they were clear

    A bottle of vodka was clutched in her fist
    And the vapors encircled her head like a mist
    She had a harsh laugh and a fake Southern drawl
    She warn’t no ways tahrred, in spite of it all

    She was chubby and plump, a right nasty old elf
    And I laughed when I saw her, in spite of myself
    A three-hundred-sixty degree twist of her head
    Soon gave me to know I had something to dread

    She spoke not a word, but went straight to her work
    Emptied everyone’s stockings; called me “Deplorable jerk!”
    Then mashing the throttle right down to the floor
    Her Hoveround rose up the stairway once more

    She lurched toward her van, her team gave her a boost
    And away they all flew like the down of a goose
    But they heard me exclaim, ere they drove out of sight-

    “Happy Christmas to all! She’s not President tonight!” :em01:

  8. 8
    Fa Cube Itches growls and barks:

    Maybe we could pass the hat to pay for a brass band to stand outside their building and serenade them with a rousing rendition of El Deguello

  9. 9
    LC Xystus growls and barks:

    Fa Cube Itches:

    Maybe we could pass the hat to pay for a brass band to stand outside their building and serenade them with a rousing rendition of El Deguello

    I’ve been hoping to find the music for that so I could make a bagpipe version & play it down near the border; sound is claimed to travel far on desert nights. Unfortunately there seems widespread disagreement over what this tune actually sounds like; some movie versions are said to be imposters.