I’m alive…I think.

It’s been six months. Cant sleep some nights, other nights bad dreams that wake me and wont let me sleep. I hear her voice in my dreams, wake up and she’s gone. Family keep telling me I’m brave, strong..all of that…God if they only knew.

They dont know.

And I wont tell them. Can’t.

Back at work..I used to have a mind that could multitask and do a hundred things..gone. Dead inside. When she died it did too. Cant concentrate, keep screwing up, went back to work because the walls kept closing in.

Falling flat on my face on simple clerical jobs. Forgetting things. Embarrassing. Scary.

Have to go on.

No choice.

No choice.

Healing takes time they tell me…how the fuck do they know? How does anyone know unless you’ve been here? I know the Rotties tried to help and God knows I am grateful….Id give anything to have her back, more than once I ask why.

There is no why. it just is.

Blessed are those that mourn. Friends have been there. Helped me find work. Stayed by me. I’ll get there somehow. Make it to end of this year then see whats next.

Every night. Every day. I love you, sweetheart. I miss you.

Pray for me.

11 comments

  1. 1
    lc purple raider growls and barks:

    Prayers will be always sent on your behalf.

  2. 2
    Farmor, LC, GLOR and Imperial Mother growls and barks:

    Even if I don’t know you I feel very much for you and your pain. I’ve lost too. My prayers be with you

  3. 3

    prayers outbound brother….count on it.

    not to sound like some new age fop or anything but have you looked into some grief counseling?
    Up until my mom and my dog died in the span of 12 weeks in 2012, I thought that kind of thing
    was bullshit. My doctor ordered me into counseling at the local hospital as I developed physical
    symptoms similar to PTSD and couldn’t sleep. So I tried it, was lucky enough to hook up with a
    counselor who was nothing short of an angel on earth. She was more of a coach than a counselor,
    prodding me and pressing me to work through everything….our sessions lasted on average about 2-3 hours
    she was not on any clock and really worked with me to get me back upright and functional.

    I’m now a believer in it if you find the right one, stay away from the corporate ones and the clock watchers
    who give you an hour and then show you the door. Check the local hospitals to see if they have a counseling
    center and check it out. Don’t discount it Brendan, I was a skeptic until I did it.

    Blessings to you my friend, wish I was closer so I could at least buy you a good strong cup of coffee

  4. 4
    Paladin growls and barks:

    Brendan, SO sorry for all your understandable pain – ! I hope that Time will soon heal your heartfelt wounds for your mate; I know how I would feel, and would probably bear it just like you – or even less so. Peace be with you soon, my friend.

  5. 5
    Sparky Tolmeister growls and barks:

    While I am new here and I would never presume to understand or even comprehend a loss like the one you have suffered, I had a very good friend and mentor of mine make a tragic choice when dealing with loss. I vowed personally to NEVER allow a subtle cry for help go unnoticed. Call somebody. Family, a fellow Rottie, an old friend…doesn’t matter. PM me and I’ll give you MY number.

    The things you are feeling is normal. NO ONE takes the loss of a loved on “on the chin” and just goes on. It hurts. Bad. It’s indescribable. That’s normal too. How can you possibly describe a bond like that to people who didn’t share it?

    The secret is not looking for understanding. It’s impossible. The secret is taking stock in your own life and the people who care about you. Who WANT to help even if they don’t really know how. It shows they love and care about you. It’s a blessing in itself.

    I know you don’t me from Adam, but from everything I’ve heard this is a place where strong bonds are made. Where histories are shared and like-minded individuals have a home for their ideas and beliefs.

    With all the pain you’re going through, it’s as much a comfort as you can hope for to see friends and family rally around you in a time of need. I pray you find some measure of solace in this time of need.

    God Bless

    Sparky

  6. 6
    LC Mike in Chi growls and barks:

    Hey Dude, you’re the only arms and legs your lovey has in this world to finish some last few tasks she was interested in. Your skills are needed. Get crackin’, mate.
    Tempus Fugit

  7. 7
    0007 growls and barks:

    Been just under 4 months since I lost my wife. Some days are worse then others. The cats still look for her and complain. The local hospice sponsors gatherings of people who have suffered losses. You might check with your local hospice organization. The funeral company that handled the services for me also offered “classes” in dealing with the after effects of the loss of a loved one.
    For me the worst is dealing with the stuff of 49 years of being together. You HAVE to get rid of the clothes and the books and the geegaws of 20 years of traveling together on my job. And in my case – the house – the kids are 100 miles north and really want me up closer to them.
    The important thought to keep with you always is that THE. WORST. OF. THIS. WILL. PASS. It will take longer then you want it to take and there will probably always be a piece of you missing but…

  8. 8
    LCBrendan growls and barks:

    Sparky

    Thank you and welcome. I’ve got counselling..just the early hours are always the hardest.

    One day at a time.

    Thats what she taught me..

  9. 9
    Retired Spook growls and barks:

    Prayers sent, wish there was more we could do.

    It’s taken my mom almost four years to get back to “normal” after my dad passed away. And even now, she has moments.

    Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. And at the risk of sounding trite, it will get better.

  10. 10
    LC ShadowFox growls and barks:

    I can’t imagine what you are going through brother. While your separation may be temporary on this world you will see her again in the Kingdom of God. Stay strong, for her. One day your work will be done as well.

  11. 11

    Brendan, my dear friend, as much as I wish I did, I don’t have any words that will ease the pain. I know you’ve probably heard every cliched saying that man has come up with to try and deal with grief, so I’ll spare you more. But remember this, you have many friends on this side of the ocean as well and we are all here for you in any way that we can be of help. Prayers of course have been sent for you.

    Be happy for her Brendan. She is Home, and the fact that she has left someone who loves and misses her so much is a strong testament to a life well lived. Celebrate her life every day by being the person that she fell in love with.

    God be with you Brendan.
    LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E. recently posted..I’m alive…I think.My Profile