It’s Better to Give Than to Receive

Sometimes a person in your life will surprise you with a truly heartfelt and compassionate gift. Yesterday I arrive at work and as I walk into my office to get ready for line up I see a package on my desk. I had just the day before ordered some small parts for one of our pieces of medical gear, but no way they could be here this quick, and in such a heavy box too. What ever in the world could it be?!

Why, it’s a camouflage bag.
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But what could possibly be inside of it?

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Oh myyyy! It’s a bag of dicks!! And multicultural too!!

But there’s no packing slip or note to indicate from whom such a thoughtful gift may have originated. Fiddlesticks, such a quandary. But what’s this? Why, it’s an official equipment tag! At least I have instructions now.

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Yay! I’m especially thrilled that the ingredients are mostly ecofriendy!

As I’m laughing in mild hysterics at the brilliant lance corporalesque ass-hattery, I spy out of the corner of my little eye a cell phone poked around the corner of my hatch recording my reaction. Forsooth, one of my people may posses a clue as to the origins of my gift! And indeed they did. My list of possible suspects included two prior service Marines, one prior service squid, and one active reversist squid. One of the Marines is a rookie and I didn’t really think it would be him (He has big brass ones, but he’s also smart enough to not poke the bear), the other one is getting married and doesn’t have the money. The part time squid has been on my bad side in the past and probably would know better. That leaves just one suspect, confirmed by the amateur videographer at my door. (Yes, my powers of persuasion are that strong).

Ahh Sparky, well played sir, well played indeed. I applaud you. However, you just gave me a whole bag full of ammo to make your life here very interesting. 2

You seem to have forgotten that I posses the master key to all the lockers. As this is posting our intrepid little Sparky is arriving on duty and opening his locker.

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And wait, what is that that I see? Why it’s Sparky’s shotgun that he so courteously left in my office.

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I wonder if a jelly dildo will fit into a .12 gauge shotshell carrier? Only time will tell.

Shh, listen…. Can you hear that?….. Let’s all take a moment to savor the impending terror that will be Sparky’s life for the foreseeable future.

A bag of dicks, the gift that keeps on giving. :-)

15 comments

  1. 1
    Terrapod growls and barks:

    Bwa ha ha ha! That is almost as good as filling the CO’s office (all 800 Cu Ft or so) with empty milk cartons…… or dismantling the deans VW and re-assembling it on the roof of the admin building…. not that I know aaaanything about that kind of stuff, nosssir!!

  2. 2
    LC Gunsniper growls and barks:

    I wonder if a jelly dildo will fit into a .12 gauge shotshell carrier? Only time will tell.

    :em05:

    It would make for an interesting and colorful improvised bayonet.

  3. 3
    Sparky Tolmeister growls and barks:

    3 things:

    1. I don’t know who the deviously clever bastard was that may or may not have purchased such a well thought-out gift (and prove otherwise). My guess is it was yet-to-be-filed evidence in one of our numerous S 38s within our zone/AOR. Again, this is only a hypothesis to offer a potential alternative route of investigation (pun withstanding).

    2. I was to understand that under this current Presidential administration I would be celebrated for my relationship with Ofc. Pinky Hanglow and afforded the same rights as “all alternative lifestyle”l couples. A man has a right to marry his inanimate possessions as much as marrying any other man or horse! The current illegal, yet subsequently perversely permissive change in law allows this, to which my freshly-filed application for our EBT and cash assistance benefits will attest. All hail the Islamic. socialist overlord Ogabe. If I wear a bunch of rainbow-colored stuff, I might even qualify for section 8!

    3. I was both surprised and inspired by the fact that the diameter of the phallically-reminiscent Ofc. P. Hanglow did exceeded the dimensional requirements of a 12 gauge munition. However inspiration struck at the notion of a dimensionally compatible munition of similar size and aerodynamic design as a less-lethal option for the department. The deterrent factor of being mushroom stamped by a flying phallus alone would be sufficient to increase officer safety on active calls. We would need to make sure we meet the manufacturer requirements of acceptable fps.

    In summation, this is my official declaration of the three tenets of a good prank (if in fact I had knowledge of such a brilliantly orchestrated event):

    Admit nothing
    Deny everything
    Make counter-accusations.

    Hopefully the mystery of this mad geniuses actions is solved with great haste, Although me may never know the identity of this charming rapscallion.

    -Sparky

    p.s. GO NAVY!

  4. 4

    LC Gunsniper says:

    It would make for an interesting and colorful improvised bayonet.

    Or a really cool filter for a weapon mounted light.

    I had some time on my hands, an unattended shotgun, a bag full of dicks, and a camera. :em05:
    LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E. recently posted..It’s Better to Give Than to Receive My Profile

  5. 5

    Sparky Tolmeister says:

    Hopefully the mystery of this mad geniuses actions is solved with great haste, Although me may never know the identity of this charming rapscallion.

    Good luck with that.

    The next time you grab your shotgun, think real hard about what may or may not have been in, or on, it. :em03:
    LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E. recently posted..It’s Better to Give Than to Receive My Profile

  6. 6

    Sparky Tolmeister @ #:
    P.S. The next time someone says “I’m going to hit you in the head with a bag full of dicks”, duck.
    LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E. recently posted..It’s Better to Give Than to Receive My Profile

  7. 7

    Terrapod says:

    not that I know aaaanything about that kind of stuff, nosssir!!

    The older boys told ya about it, right Terrapod?
    LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E. recently posted..It’s Better to Give Than to Receive My Profile

  8. 8
    Sparky Tolmeister growls and barks:

    LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E. @ #:

    On a completely unrelated note, and I mean really off-topic here, I’ve decided to start op-checking and securing my shotgun at every shift. Also unrelated, what is our agency’s current policy on the donning of “Bag-O-Dicks-resistant” helmets?

  9. 9
    Terrapod growls and barks:

    Crunchie – a morally upright and kind Midshipman 2nd class told a certain clueless 4th class how things work and that in the Navy you NEVER volunteer for anything or ADMIT to anything. Wise advice. :em01:

  10. 10
    Terrapod growls and barks:

    The equipment tag, you must admit, is accurate and quite well done.

  11. 11
    LC&IB Vulcanrider, MSgt, USAF, Ret growls and barks:

    Reminds me of the time, in a place far, far away (OK, a 20 man site in Turkey), that it snowed on Christmas Eve night. And the NCO’s (that’s what I heard anyway) decided to make a Christmas gift for the old man. Well, he opened his door to go to breakfast and found an 8 foot snowman blocking his exit. He had to climb out the window (good thing he took that first floor room).

    And when he opened the curtains in the chow hall he was greeted with the 6 foot “snow-cock”, complete with balls on the back deck….

    At least that’s what I heard, being an old aircraft maintainer at the time, I would NEVER have anything to do with something like this…

  12. 12

    LC&IB Vulcanrider, MSgt, USAF, Ret says:

    I would NEVER have anything to do with something like this…

    :em05: :em05: :em05:

  13. 13
    LC Jackboot IC/A growls and barks:

    Sparky,

    Not to worry, I’m still in possession of the aforesaid person of interest’s coming out party. Replete with painted nails. Methinks my old brother mayhaps forgotten that incident. Considering his advanced age, this is to be expected however “The One Who Shall Always Be Known As Bangie Thing” did indeed serve as the affiant to the documented evidence. My brother would never question the veracity of her deposition in re: the incident outlined above.
    MEW #185

    Sparky Tolmeister says:

    p.s. GO NAVY!

    Now as to my participation in such ribald, juvenile behavior, I once heard of a former ChEng that transitioned into a civilian equivalent position, that had his desk and bookcase somehow disassembled and reassembled inside the Ladies Locker Room. The perp that conveniently left pecker-tracks (the Art of Distraction) received a reply in due course. His desk became magically suspended at head height from the ceiling, observing all safety precautions of course, and where said desk was previously located a number of common fowl known as pigeons, were moving about rather upset and erratic with their temporary incarceration. Of course, being animal lovers, they had been provided with copious quantities of bird seed and water for their weekend stay. The end results of which, could be observed throughout the room. Just sayin’ is all…..this guy told me about it…can’t remember his flippin’ name though.
    LC Jackboot IC/A recently posted..It’s Better to Give Than to ReceiveMy Profile

  14. 14

    LC Jackboot IC/A says:

    Of course, being animal lovers, they had been provided with copious quantities of bird seed and water for their weekend stay.

    Man, now that would have been a mess. Just one question though, were there no chickens available? They can create a metric shot ton more of a catastrophe, and afterwards a little secret herbs and spice and….yum yum.

    As to the other squid vomit you wrote, let us also not forget the shenanigans that went on later that weekend when we arrived at the Imperial Palace. A naked Imperator searching the bushes for his Kimber, the underwear standard in the tree, the cabana boy tattoo, the eyeliner and mascara… and the Guitar Hero jam session (probably the only sober moment that weekend.)

    The only thing better was you and I using Misha’s own drinking advice to drink him under the table. :em01:
    LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E. recently posted..Can You Say Backfire Boys and Girls? My Profile

  15. 15

    I don’t care who you are, that shit’s funny right there. To steal a line from somewhere.