Challenge Accepted!

But first off, allow us to apologize for being even more off the radar than usual. We’ve had some issues with the Imperial Health (no, nothing that serious, so quit arguing about the lines of succession, at least for now) which have left us pretty much laid up in dry dock, getting our hull scraped for barnacles. Slowly. At any rate, we feel a bit better now.

The “Challenge?” We well understand why our dear Imperial Military Historian didn’t want to delve into that black hole of Incandescent Stupid he links to below. Not, obviously, because of lack of courage, he’s a Marine after all (which, as a bonus, also eliminates any risk of brain damage as it would require… Alright, we’ll just stop digging right here), but because of… “WHERE IN THE NAME OF PLUTO’S COCK TO BEGIN?”

We, on the other hand, can’t let such a target sit ***TRIGGER WARNING*** unmolested, even though we fear that we’ll end up being even more long winded than usual, even for us. So if you need to go pee, you might as well do so now, because we’ll be a while…

No one is coming for your guns … yet

You might want to rethink your “clever” use of “yet” in that headline. Some of us have a bad… reaction to it.

I’m sure I lost a lot of readers right off the bat with my headline,

One or both of them? Assuming that you have any, of course.

but for those of you who are willing to hear me out (and if you are still reading I am going to assume that you are), let me explain my position to you.

Oh please do!

Gun control is an absolute joke in this country.

So move.

Background checks are all well and good, but if you can turn around and sell the gun to your neighbor without one, they’re utterly pointless.

Does the law require you to ID everybody who bums a smoke off of you? We guess those laws are pointless too.

Assault weapons being sold to the general public is ridiculous.

Especially since “assault weapons” don’t exist. Much like unicorns.

Nobody needs an AR15 to shoot a deer.

We have no intentions of shooting deer with one. For that we have other guns. Who are, by the way, much much more effective at shooting people too, which isn’t something that we do anyway. So “nobody needs a Prius to make pot roast” would be a great argument for outlawing those as well?

And this whole open carry movement just terrifies me.

Quick! Let’s outlaw anything that terrifies widdle Kasie! Because there’s a clear, Constitutional right to not being terrified of anything, ever, unlike this silly imaginary “right” to keep and bear arms that happens to be actually in the Constitution.

It seems to me that while some people are so adamant about their Second Amendment rights,

Like the Founding Fathers of the country that you obviously don’t care too much about.

they’ve forgotten all about my First Amendment ones — specifically my right to life.


That’s enumerated in the First Amendment? We’d best go re-read it, because we certainly never noticed it before. Or maybe you, Kasie, should go take a crash course in “Reading Comprehension for Sub-Sentients.”

Sorry, that should trump your “right” to sling a semi-automatic weapon over your shoulder and sit in the booth next me at a restaurant.

Because so far exactly zero human beings have been deprived of their “right to life” by sitting next to somebody with a semi-automatic weapon over their shoulder in a restaurant. Or anywhere else, for that matter. Makes perfect sense. If you have the IQ of twat mold. Trust us, Kasie, if merely sitting next to somebody with a weapon would bump them off the planet, His Imperial Majesty would be spending a lot of time hanging out at Starbucks with his legally carried sidearm. Less sub-zero IQ voters for the next election with no criminal act required on our part.

Gun control is a political platform utilized by both parties to pander to the masses and garner votes.

Nawwwww… You just discovered that all by your lonesome? Isn’t that special?

It sickens me that human lives are the cost of winning an election nowadays.

Remind us again of the number of lives lost to win an election in this country.

Because this is a column, inherently an opinion piece, I’m not going to pull out a bunch of stats and quotes to support my cause (although they are abundant.)

No, they’re not. They’re actually non-existent. And no, just saying “opinion piece” doesn’t mean that you get to make ridiculous claims without offering any evidence in support for them, not even the ridiculous claim that such evidence, which you can’t be bothered to present, is “abundant.” So abundant, in fact, that you really can’t be arsed to dig out even a single piece of it. That undoubtedly works among your Prozi friends, but it doesn’t work all that well among lifeforms endowed with brains.

But there is one that I can’t let go. The majority of people I talk to seem to think that President Obama is “out to get your guns” when in reality, the first Bush administration had stricter gun laws.

In fact, two of the most critical gun control measures that ever passed took place in the 1990s: 1993’s Brady Bill and 1994’s Assault Weapons Ban — both passed by a Republican president (George H.W. Bush) with the help of strong vocal support by former President Reagan.

You mean, the bill that sunsetted during the Bush administration, the bill that he inherited from a prior administration and thus had nothing to do with? The bill that just went off to die with not a peep of protest from either side of the aisle? The bill that led to no measurable decrease in gun violence? That bill? Well if that isn’t proof that Dubya was a gun-grabbing Nazi, then we don’t know what is!

The reality is that our forefathers in 1791 had no idea about the weapons technology we would have in the future.

What’s worse, they had no idea what kind of skull-crushingly imbecilic knuckleheads we’d be calling future generations, or they would most likely have given up on the whole project. Or made an amendment guaranteeing a right to put mushheads like yourself out to be eaten by wolves.

Oh, they also had no idea about computers, so hand back that laptop right now and quit bothering us with your idiocy ever again.

The notion that the constitution is static is absurd. This is why they are called “amendments” so that they can be amended to keep up with the times.

True. There’s even a specific process for amending the Constitution even further, something you would know if you hadn’t bashed your empty skull against a wall of terminal incomprehension while trying in vain to work your way through the First Amendment.

Spoiler alert: It doesn’t involve “making the courts pass unpopular laws for you.” It also doesn’t allow for Congress to pass amendments by simple majority, and it certainly doesn’t allow for an imperial “president” to unilaterally make them up as he goes. As a matter of fact, it doesn’t even allow for such an entity to exist outside of a jail cell.

Mass shootings have almost become common place in today’s media, and every time one happens the same rhetoric is replayed: “Now is a time of mourning, and not an appropriate time to discuss gun control.”

You must be having some interesting media outlets in your alternate reality, because in ours, the blood of the victims hasn’t even had a chance to cool down, much less congeal, before a full court press and their Prozi handlers are out in force dancing a jig on the mangled corpses of innocents in order to push through unconstitutional restrictions on the 2nd Amendment. We swear we once save Chuck Schumer skull-fucking a dead child while screaming for gun control.

So, my question is: when is the appropriate time? When do we as a society decide to finally catch up with the rest of the modern world and say enough?

Whenever you feel like dying, Kasie, because there’s going to be a whole lot of that before we allow ourselves to become subjects of tyranny like the “rest of the modern world.”

What exactly are you defending with your “well regulated militia?” Because I guarantee that whatever you may have in your personal arsenal is a joke compared to what the most well funded military on the planet has to bring to the field.

Yet at the same time you let no chance to tell us that we don’t “need” bigger weapons go to waste. Logic and coherency of thought were never your friends, were they, Kasie?

As much as I would like to, I am not calling for the complete disarming of the American public.

You know what you and spineless, useless wastes of cowardly cuntery like you should try for once? You should try not calling for somebody else to be ordered to go do your dirty work, you should fucking well get frisky and start doing something about it yourselves. Then see how that works out for you.

What I would like to see are some reasonable restrictions put into place.

As defined by you, and fuck what the other side and the Constitution says. Sounds perfectly reasonable to us.

For starters, registration. This seems obvious to me.

Of course it does. Because you don’t own one and, of course, because it makes it so much easier to confiscate them all later on when you have a nice list to go by, something you already admitted to wanting somebody else to do for you.

When you sell your car, the registration of the car follows it from owner to owner — it should be no less for firearms.

Point us, please, to the part of the Constitution enumerating a right to uninfringedly possessing a car. Please do.

Licensing to own a gun would then logically follow.

And down the slippery slope we go. Pretty soon, there won’t be any guns owned by anybody but the government, and we all know how well that tends to work out for the citizens subjects living in countries like that.

I don’t have a problem with hunting rifles or family heirloom pieces either.

How very gracious of you to allow for those exceptions to your unconstitutional suggestions, you treasonous little whore. Why, you almost have us convinced here.

I’m not overly fond of handguns, but I’ve learned to pick my battles.

You evidently haven’t. All you’ve learned is to sit in a corner and screech for everybody else to go fight them for you. Just like a good little Prozi.

This “open carry” nonsense has to stop. Everyone wants to strap on a six shooter like Wyatt Earp, but they forget that the gunfight at the OK Corral took place because Earp was trying to enforce the town’s ordinance banning guns.

You’re the one drawing the parallel between the OK Corral and law-abiding gun owners here. Careful with all that straw, Kasie. It’s really, really flammable.

America, for all her technological advances, is in reality a very young nation. Perhaps in time, as our country grows in age and experience, we will finally see the error of our ways and begin to make amends.

Just like Nazi Germany, Fascist Italy, the Soviet Union and every single other totalitarian “enlightened” hellhole throughout history.

If we can only get through this rebellious teenager phase, we might even stand a chance.

The problem is that it looks like we are through the rebellious teenager phase which, in turn, means that we don’t stand much of a chance as a nation.

At least not until we get that “mind your own fucking business and I’ll mind mine” attitude back.


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LC Sir Clambake, Imperial Black Ops Technician, K.o.E.LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E.Jaybear, Colonel of Imperial Ancient ArtilleryLC Aggie Sith, a goddess, only different, G.G.O.R.Terrapod Recent comment authors
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single stack
single stack

In fact, two of the most critical gun control measures that ever passed took place in the 1990s: 1993’s Brady Bill and 1994’s Assault Weapons Ban — both passed by a Republican president (George H.W. Bush) with the help of strong vocal support by former President Reagan. Two points: 1. Bill Clinton was President then, 2. Presidents don’t pass laws.… Read more »


I’ve always wonder what someone like this idiot would say if, oh say, a group of misunderstood Muslim teenage males decided that her duty was to stand in for their usual goat? Along comes one of those scary people with a gun, perhaps carrying it openly. He recognizes her, but rather than pull his gun, he walks away and pulls… Read more »

Radical Redneck
Radical Redneck

Misha, why do you still have that asshole from Balloon Juice linked? He’s been in full blown moonbattery for ages. Replace him with someone more sensible, thoughtful and conservative – like Oliver Willis. :em04:


This was recorded 49 years ago – the video scenes are added, but just listen to the voice and tell me we are not at the gates of Hell!!?

LC Aggie Sith, a goddess, only different, G.G.O.R.
LC Aggie Sith, a goddess, only different, G.G.O.R.

May she never have children. Ever.

Jaybear, Colonel of Imperial Ancient Artillery
Jaybear, Colonel of Imperial Ancient Artillery

LC Aggie Sith, a goddess, only different, G.G.O.R. says:

May she never have children. Ever.

I don’t think we need to worry about that, she’ll abort them all most likely

LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E.
LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E.

America, for all her technological advances, is in reality a very young nation. This was something that several commenters on the original piece pointed out was also false. Of all the worlds nations under their current constitutions or governments go, we’re actually one of the oldest. As a geographic entity, yes we’re young, but as a continuously functioning government we’re… Read more »

LC Sir Clambake, Imperial Black Ops Technician, K.o.E.
LC Sir Clambake, Imperial Black Ops Technician, K.o.E.

Crap. So many good things to quote, post and comments alike, this would go on forever.

LC Sir Clambake, Imperial Black Ops Technician, K.o.E.
LC Sir Clambake, Imperial Black Ops Technician, K.o.E.

LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E. says:

Of all the worlds nations under their current constitutions or governments go, we’re actually one of the oldest.

Is THAT why our Constitution is being so destroyed?

LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E.
LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E.

When I first found the article there were over 200 comments, all of them except for one guy who parroted some anti-gun bullshit, eviscerated the cupid stunt. When I checked back yesterday there were only 28. Now there are about 50 but some of the ones I remembered from when there were 28 are gone and all 50 were different.… Read more »

LC Sir Clambake, Imperial Black Ops Technician, K.o.E.
LC Sir Clambake, Imperial Black Ops Technician, K.o.E.