One can say a lot of things about living in these turbulent and blatantly ridiculous times of ours, but one thing one cannot say is that there’s a shortage of idiocy for a committed Anti-Idiotarian to mercilessly mock and ridicule.

One of those things is what is called “microaggressions”, a child of the socialist seventies (and the diseased mind of a “professor” who couldn’t hack it in the real sciences), a case of rampant idiocy so ridiculous that one can’t quite figure out whether to cry or die laughing.

We’re sure that you, sane citizens of the Anti-Idiotarian Empire, might wonder what in the name of Furor’s left tit this nonsense is. Of course, you do know what an “aggression” is, but what is its “micro” retarded cousin? This excellent post (no, not this one, the one linked to) should give you a good primer, but a quick Cliff’s Notes version is that it’s any aggression that’s not actually an aggression, but the imbecile claiming to have been a “victim” of one is so desperate to be offended that they’ll take anything, imagined or otherwise, in order to grab a few easy points in our nation’s newest sport, the Victim Olympics™.

Because, contrary to our nation’s glory days when achievement, courage in the face of adversity and stoic determination to succeed were highly prized values in a human being, today your worth is solely determined by how much you can lay claim to when it comes to being a pathetic, crying, sniveling, impotent, downtrodden serf.

We’re not quite sure that this is what Jesus meant by the meek inheriting the Earth, but we do know that if you’re that meek you’re quite likely to inherit at least a 20 sq ft plot of it before long. But we digress, as we so often do.

“So, example”, we hear you ask exasperatedly, still not able to quite wrap your superior minds around something that can truly only make sense to members of the insect kingdom.

OK, and we swear we’re not making this up, this is an actual example: You encounter a math problem in school that has you utterly bothered and bewildered and you, acknowledging your inability to proceed, turn to your Asian classmate and say “listen, bud, I can’t make a lick of sense of this, but I’m sure you can help me out here. Please?”

Congratulations, you’re now a despicable racist, no better than the Nazis at Nuremberg or the Klansmen burning crosses on black folks’ lawn before lynching them. You see, you assumed, based on substantial amounts of statistical facts, but those don’t matter in the post-intelligent Prozi Era, that the likelihood of an Asian classmate being able to more efficiently grok math problems would be pretty high. If you don’t believe us when we say that Asians generally score higher in the sciences you’ve either lived under a rock or you’re trying to pick an argument, which you really shouldn’t do. At least not with us. We positively adore arguments. But try Google if you need convincing.

“But, but, isn’t that compliment? I mean, I just went right ahead and assumed that this guy or gal is really, really smart so… Seriously? What did I do wrong?”

The answer is, of course, “everything.” At least if your classmate is a complete idiot which, also statistically provable, Asians aren’t as likely to be as a lot of other demographics, so there’s hope there. You see, what matters is not what you intended or what you meant, what matters in our wonderful age of Proziism, is how your classmate chooses to interpret it. In other words, your classmate, we’re assuming he’s an idiot there (oh, and we just committed another “microaggression” by using the male pronoun, which makes us a foul sexist, wife beater and probable rapist), gets to decide for you what you meant, and his word is all that matters.

Don’t even try to protest your innocence and good intentions, it’ll only make things worse. You see, if you reasonably object and state that it was just because you thought he would be smart because, statistically, members of his demographics are smarter than yours is, then you’ve committed another sin, this one of being ignorant of your own “obvious” racism. The most dangerous kind of racism there is, don’t you know?

You’re just like Julius Streicher, only you’re too dumb to even realize that you’re Julius Streicher. Sure, today you’re “only” committing hateful crimes of racist microaggression by assuming that your Asian classmate is smart, but who knows where that will lead if you don’t come to terms with your own hatefulness? Why, you’ll surely be herding Jews off to the gas chambers in NO time!

Which, obviously, can only be remedied in one way. For your own good, of course. You must be sent to long reeducation sessions where you’re taught about your evil racist tendencies and you will attend those until you, tearfully, admit to your own crimes in front of your Prozi People’s Commissars. Who then might allow you to re-enter civilized society. If they feel like it. Or they might send you off to forced labor for life. For your own good again. Because surely you won’t be able to live with your guilt otherwise.

You racist.

Hold the door for a woman? You evil sexist misogynist, you. You just assumed that she couldn’t open a door because she was a woman, didn’t you? No, don’t give us that “you were trying to be a gentleman” nonsense, itself a product of your growing up in a woman-beating, oppressive patriarchal fascist society. That’s just what you think that you’re doing, but your mind is deluding you. Obviously you’re not only a dangerous rapist, you’re also insane. Let’s send you off to one of our many wonderful Prozi Sanatoriums. For your own good.

And you know what? We only have ourselves to blame for this Soviet nonsense, because for too long, way too long, we failed to stand up for ourselves and common sense and tell the New Soviets to bugger off with their blatant bullshittery. For comity’s sakes, don’t you know? Let’s not be offensive here, let’s just all play along to get along, they’ll get over it, it’s just a passing phase, let’s don’t be beastly to the fascists and all that.

Fortunately, His Imperial Offensiveness has no issue whatsoever with being a rude, malicious, uncaring bastard when the object of our malice so obviously deserves it, so we went trolling for examples of “microaggressions” at a prominent Prozi Tumblr (Tumblr being one of the richest veins of Idiotarianism, Proziism and Social Justice Warriorism you can find, we highly recommend it if you’re in a pissy mood looking for easy targets), and this is some of what we found.

I was waiting in the checkout line at a convenient store on the Jersey shore to buy a drink and a snack. Two young white guys who were chatting walked between the checkout line and the counter, clearly heading for the door with food and Gatorade. The cashier called to them “Excuse me, you have to pay for that.” One guy said, “Oh,” and instead of going to the back of the line, he cut in front of me and pays for the food at the counter. The cashier didn’t say anything or send them to the back of line. It happened so quickly, I didn’t respond, but afterward I felt their oblivious entitlement infuriating.

We’re sure you did, easily offended twatface. Because clearly the cashier only let them pay for their meal right away because they were white and male. It could not at all be because the minimum wage slave needed to get his “making annoying customer pay for their purchases so I don’t get fired for missing cash” item off his mental To Do List sooner rather than later so he could more efficiently focus on serving your entitled arse in a fashion that would meet with your approval and thus assure his future employment prospects.

Oh no. If they’d been black and female he would most assuredly have made them go to the back of the line and maybe even perform a little jig for him later or, if they’d been Asian, made them do his homework.

Not to mention: In what alternate reality does letting them pay ahead of you make your wait longer than if they had, say, done what they ought to have done in the first place which is, guess what, pay ahead of you?

You insufferable twit.

And one more thing: It’s “convenience” store, not “convenient” store. Maybe if you spent a little less time trying to be offended and some more getting off your entitled and obviously illiterate arse to put in some study time you wouldn’t make quite as much of a tit of yourself. Just a kind suggestion.

I’m waiting to visit my father after his heart surgery with my mother behind a pair of doors. Another South Asian family is waiting some distance away from us to visit someone else. A white nurse opens the door and seeing all of us says, ‘Only two visitors per patient!’

Since this was tagged as “race”, we’re assuming that you’re claiming victim points based on the evil racist nurse assuming that Asians have large families which, Heaven knows, nobody else has.

Listen, cupcake, your Asianness does not make it any more or less impossible to know, just by looking at you, whether you’re all the same family or not. We know, it’s quite shocking, isn’t it? She wouldn’t have known either if you’d all been as Caucasian as Leni Riefenstahl and, and this is probably even more shocking to you, the nurse would likely have said the same thing. Because you see, hospital rooms aren’t clown cars and they can only accommodate so many people, so we tend to limit the number of people in one at the same time. It does make it somewhat hard to care for, say, your father, if the doctors and nurses have to call a SWAT team to clear a path to his bedside.

It’s positively brutal, we tell you.

And we’re not making it up either. You see, Caucasians get ill too, no matter how much we “check our privilege”, and we’ve actually been in the exact same position as you. Of course, being an Aryan superhuman (and all of you who have actually met us may stop laughing now), we tried a different tack. We simply smiled and said “we’re not together”, to which the nurse replied “oh, alright then, sorry about that” and everybody went about their business.

You might try that next time. We’re sure you can snatch a couple of points for the Victim Olympics™ elsewhere if you look hard enough, and we’re sure that you will.

I was taking anatomy and physiology and during an open lab session one of my classmates (who is a white male) asked me what my major was. But before I could tell him he said “Wait you’re doing nursing right? Am I right ??” in a manner where he felt very confident in his answer. When I told him I was taking a class to be a medical lab technician, he sounded astonished and baffled all at the same time. He said that “It’s a shame that you’re not trying to be a nurse.”

I am a filipino female.

We’re actually shocked at your microaggression towards nurses. No, not really. But what we are a bit befuddled by is why you would take an assumption that you’d make a better nurse than an MLT would be a racist insult. You obviously haven’t studied average pay scales yet. You should. Then you should shut up and change majors.

My mom sees my LGBTerrific shirt and laughs, tells me that it’s okay to wear it inside the house, but not out. She then tells me to leave the activism out, because that will make my life so much harder and that I’m too young to do this.

Your mom is not a homophobe. She just knows the world. Because she’s actually lived in it, which you haven’t. Yet. We also assure you that she’s right. Nobody cares much for having somebody’s opinion, any opinion, shoved in their bloody faces 24/7.

You’ll learn this too, even though you’ll probably have to learn it the hard way since you refuse to listen to the person who brought you into this world. But you will learn. Once your testicles drop. You can apologize to mum for being an entitled, selfish brat later.

“Cool story, babe. Now make me a sandwich.”

T-shirt of a senior boy who goes to my high school, seen in the hallway between classes.

You’re not terribly familiar with the concept of “humor”, are you? That’s a pity. Being familiar with common joke structures can be very helpful. Especially when you’re obviously destined to be the butt of so very many of them.

“Damn, what a waste!”

Straight male acquaintance after I came out to him as a lesbian. Was it supposed to be a compliment? Does a man get to judge my relationship with a woman as unfulfilling and “a waste?” Does he think that had been straight, he and other men would be entitled to sex with me?

Erm, yes. We really do believe that compliments as well as jokes lose quite a bit from having to explain them, but there you have it. What your “acquaintance” was saying was that you’re really attractive, that you’re sexy, that he would really love to jump your bones. In earlier, pre-Prozi versions of English, that would be what we would call a “compliment.” Much like we were dismayed when we learned that Ellen Page is a lesbian. Not because we disapprove of lesbianism. Her body, her choice, but because seriously… What a waste. Oh dear, we just did it too, didn’t we?

Yes, your lesbianism is indeed “unfulfilling.” To HIM. Again, that’s a compliment, special snowflake. Would you have preferred it if he’d said “thank G-d. It means that I won’t have to worry about your fugly arse fantasizing about me”?

And no, it doesn’t mean that he feels “entitled to have sex with you”, any more than His Imperial Majesty feels “entitled” to have sex with every attractive female he sees. It would kill us. OK, so there are worse ways to go, but still.

He was calling you hot stuff but you, obviously, wasn’t going to let go of a chance to be offended. The Victim Olympics™ is important stuff, isn’t it. Come to think of it, it’s probably good for him and every other male member of the species that you’re a lesbian.

“Hey sexy.”

This is OFFENSIVE. I am NOT your girlfriend, I am NOT a sex toy, I do NOT deserve to be degraded in front of all your friends by you calling me this. In high school.

Did he call you “girlfriend?” “Sex toy?” And just when did being called “sexy” become “degrading.”

Excuse us, ladies, but you can “degrade” US any time you like!

And that’s just the first few examples we could find. We may come back for more because, by Jupiter, that is some prime grade stupid there.


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By Emperor Misha I

Ruler of all I survey -- and then some.

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September 18, 2014 02:34

weapons-grade stupidity

September 18, 2014 06:04

Andrew Klavan had a video on this very subject. He took messages from the Micro Aggressions Project (Yes there really is such a site. The stupidity is mind boggling) and sent them to other people in other countries for comments.

September 18, 2014 11:55

I’m too old to care who I piss off anymore. I’m gonna just go ahead and micro-aggress my way through life. I’d rather be right than be nice anyway. People who are offended by perfectly normal things, their opinion doesn’t matter to me anyway. I just read that on Etsy, it is okay to buy and sell things with swastikas.… Read more »

Eric Praline
Eric Praline
September 18, 2014 13:03

I’m glad there are so many of these people around. When The Burning Times come, they’ll make an excellent protein source.

lc purple raider
September 19, 2014 09:36

Eric Praline says:

I’m glad there are so many of these people around. When The Burning Times come, they’ll make an excellent protein source.

If they are anything like the hippies, they will be too bitter to eat. But they will be an excellent fuel source.

September 19, 2014 10:08

lc purple raider @ #:

But they will be an excellent fuel source.

Not really. Do you really want to use burning shit as a fuel source? :em07:

Eric Praline
Eric Praline
September 19, 2014 11:34

lc purple raider @ #:
I beg to differ. These people are pampered, overfed layabouts. They’re veal calves with smartphones. The Eloi never lived so well.

LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E.
September 19, 2014 22:05

From the nation of Manifest Destiny to Butthurt Incorporated. I would like to think these Eloi with sand in their vagina are just a few isolated freaks but I unfortunately see for too many new castrati walking around who are scared of their own shadows. A harsh word and a hand job would give them a case of the vapors… Read more »

September 19, 2014 23:03

I still don’t get it. In that situation I would have just grabbed the gook by the hair, stuffed my unsolved problem into his face and said “do this for me now zipper head”.

What’s micro about that?

September 20, 2014 09:16

I was taking anatomy and physiology and during an open lab session one of my classmates (who is a white male) asked me what my major was. But before I could tell him he said “Wait you’re doing nursing right? Am I right ??” in a manner where he felt very confident in his answer. When I told him I… Read more »

Physics Geek
September 20, 2014 14:10

Hold the door for a woman? You evil sexist misogynist, you. Back in high school, a female classmate of mine was walking towards a closed door with her arms full of, I dunno, something. I opened the door and held it open for her. She responded “I’m a strong feminist woman and I can open my own doors!” So I… Read more »

LC Xystus
September 20, 2014 19:09

Physics Geek:

I’m too old to care who I piss off anymore.

I never much cared at any point in my life, but I will admit to caring even less as I get older. Kind of liberating actually.

Indeed. Great lesson & we need more leaders like this! :em01:

LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E.
September 20, 2014 21:30

This, from the pathetic wailing wall of butthurt, is the problem in a nutshell; While attending a coworker’s birthday party at a club, my wife has to pay a cover charge while the rest of the women in our group get in free. My wife is transgender. My coworkers refuse our suggestion to go instead to the gay bar down… Read more »

September 20, 2014 21:47

I know I will hate myself for asking this

I know I will regret it later

W.T.F. is “cisgendered”???

LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E.
September 20, 2014 22:56

LCBrendan says: W.T.F. is “cisgendered”??? Well. as I understand it, apparently in certain circles “gender identity” had become so fucked up that they needed a term to refer to “gender normative people who self identify as their assigned gender at birth.” or some convoluted bull shit like that. Basically, a dude who knows he’s a dude or a chick who… Read more »

Eric Praline
Eric Praline
September 20, 2014 23:34

LC 0311 Sir Crunchie I.M.H., K.o.E. says: I know, it would be funny if it weren’t so fucking sad. That is the perfect summation of the country today. Normal people are the real victimized group, but no one seems to give a shit that we’re being raped over a barrel. The same way our young enlisted men are being literally… Read more »

Eric Praline
Eric Praline
September 20, 2014 23:37

Eric Praline @ #:
I meant “no American media outlet other than Rush” obviously, but the edit function is down.

LC Getalis, Imperial Czar of Pharmacology
LC Getalis, Imperial Czar of Pharmacology
September 21, 2014 00:10

LCBrendan says: W.T.F. is “cisgendered”??? It’s a play on words, derived from how organic chemists differentiate molecules containing double-bonds. Carbon always bonds to four other atoms, so the basic >C=C< setup is ripe for two more atoms on each side. (Call ’em Element A and Element B.) Double-bonds don’t rotate, so if both sides have one atom each of A… Read more »

LC Sir Clambake, Imperial Black Ops Technician, K.o.E.
September 24, 2014 14:57

:em08: I don’t give a fuck. They want to think I’m weird for being as I was created, and recognizing it?