I’ve decided to run for Congress. Let me introduce myself – My name is Satan. I’m stuck in GA – so I’ll have to run for congress there. Look I ain’t no carpetbagger ..it’s that fucking Charlie Daniels and his fiddle that got me stuck here….I actually hate GA. Well never mind all that. I’m running for the U.S. Congress!
I’m doing this because I have – well, to be honest, no other really marketable job skills, other than I can talk a lot and tell people what they want to hear.
I’m pretty handy with a pitchfork and some brimstone too…Oh, and a degree. From Harvard, No you can’t see my transcripts. You wouldn’t understand them if I did show them to you, being that they are wrote in a language used before humanity was a pimple on the ass of creation – I’m a genius, take my word for it.
Once I am elected I propose the following:
- I will do nothing. There are already 9000 or so odd laws on the books – why should I trouble myself to make more?
My Harvard degree notwithstanding, I am not a “lawmaker”, I don’t know why you idiots come up with such ridiculous notions that we should be up there churning out law after law, bill after bill, and generally making shithead lawyers like Hillary Clintoon and Barak Obama filthy rich, and …you the voter, utterly miserable in the process. You HAD a perfectly good set of laws – the U.S. Constitution, but you idiots had to go fucking with the damn thing …living document and all that clap-trap. It was based on the damn 10 Commandments of all things, but you had to go in there and screw around with it. Now look, 9000 different laws none of which makes a damn bit of sense and you want to elect more “lawmakers” Stop the Madness man… I’d say my work here is done, but I think …now it’s time to reap my rewards.
Anywho, See above, there are enough laws already to choke the next graduating class of lawyers from Yale, Harvard and Columbia combined for the next 1000 years. So, Listen carefully, Hell’s full of these ambulance chasing fools already, and quite frankly, they’re a right pain in every demon and Devil’s ass …we don’t want any more of them ….so … Read my lips: No New Laws!!
- My entire campaign pledge to you the voter is; I will simply go to Congress and during my time there – do nothing. Not a damn thing. I won’t do it.
I’ll look good doing it of course, I am the prince of lies er tides I meant tides damn it… after all…..and I’ll of course, from time to time be sure to run out in front of the cameras and bluster and bloviate about the “social injustice” of it all, and how we need to “act now” before all hell breaks loose (hint – TOO LATE SUCKERS!!) …but basically? I’m going to sit on my big fat ass, look at P07n on my i-Pad, think naughty thoughts about my newest gullible interns and do nothing. (Bill Clinton – call your office in Hell please.) I might actually chase the occasional skirt now and then too– A guy’s got to have his diversions, and it’s hard work to do nothing all damn day don’t you know?
- Once I’ve burned up a bit, okay, okay, A LOT of the tax payers money on my salary, my staffs salary, political witch-hunts against my enemies, junkets to various tropical islands to see firsthand the plight of the poor endangered Wombat – wait that was Star Wars …well whatever –I’m sure there is an endangered species on a white sand beach crowded with skimpily clad half drunk college girls endowed with huge boobs running to and fro that is just crying out for me to save it…Then I’ll start my re-election campaign – and try to keep my cushy job another term – what is it? 2 years Four? Something like that, whatevah, details man. Who needs them?
Again, the rent is too damn high – Wait, never mind… wrong debate, there’s enough laws on the books already – I see no reason to add more, after all, the ones we have already are working swimmingly – they keep the “middle class “ under the boot of an ever bloated Fedzilla like monstrosity and really – why should I? Like they say “if it ain’t fucking broke – don’t fucking fix it”.
Seriously, there’s 500 plus other ‘lawmakers’ up there on Capitol Hill all too happy to churn out all manners of perversions to the Constitution, so you see really, I’m helping you the voter by – simply not doing a damn thing.
It’s a win-win. You get to keep the pathetic illusion of your freedoms and liberty, and I get a big fat paycheck, exemptions from all those silly laws (like I need them Pfft) … and a cushy retirement plan. All on your dime and everyone is happy!
That’s it – that’s my whole agenda – now let’s rock! Or Roll, Or Hope. Or change, or something – but lets get er done!
Remember vote (for me) often, vote early – vote even if you’re dead or your name is Daffy Duck.
I’m Satan and I approve of this message, and oh one last thing – Open thread – have at it.