You know, we’re not sure what’s going on here. Perhaps the goat-raping followers of the pedo-prophet are trying to disable us with hysterical laughter, or maybe they really are this stupid.
Behold, courtesy of Al-Jizzmeera, the testimony of Walid the Moron Mooselimb Terrorist, and his horrific tribulations at what liberals call a Nazi concentration camp and the sane among us just call “Gitmo” (and no, we’re not making any of this up):
Walid Muhammad Hajj: There were, of course, Jews among the [staff of] the Guantanamo Base, and they would set traps for the guys.
Interviewer: Give me an example of witchcraft.
Walid Muhammad Hajj: Witchcraft was used on most of the guys.
“You do, something to me, something that simply mystifies me…”
We didn’t know that Christine O’Donnell used to work at Gitmo.
Interviewer: They would cast a spell on them?
“I put a spell on you… NOOOOOOOOW you’re miiiiiiine!”
Walid Muhammad Hajj: Yes, but by the grace of Allah, through frequent reading of the Koran and invocation of the names of Allah, they managed to withstand this.
You could have also tried basic sanity, but we understand that that’s not real popular in the pisslamic parts of the world.
Interviewer: How did you know that somebody was under a spell?
They started weighing the same as a duck?
Walid Muhammad Hajj: Someone like that would change.
“She turned me into a newt!”
Interviewer: In what way?
Walid Muhammad Hajj: For example, somebody would take his clothes off, all of a sudden, or would sit on his bed for three days straight without sleeping. [...] They would use all kinds of witchcraft against the guys.
No newts, though?
Interviewer: Tell me more.
You do know that you’re not supposed to encourage the insane in their delusions, don’t you? Nevermind. Go right ahead. It’s quite amusing.
Walid Muhammad Hajj: I will tell you how the witchcraft affected the guys. A person would suddenly see his brothers and sisters naked before him.
Considering the mooselimb propensity to try to fuck anything with a pulse and their, shall we say, “alternative family values”, we think we can write that one down to “masturbatory fantasies.”
Interviewer: And they weren’t really there?
Of course they weren’t. Walid would have fucked them too if they had been.
Walid Muhammad Hajj: Absolutely not. It was as if he was in a different world.
The one where mo-ham-head was really a prophet rather than just a violent child rapist and where “Islam is a religion of peace?”
Interviewer: You mean, his brothers and sisters from back home.
No, you doofus, his brothers and sisters from Mars! Keee-rist, it seems that journalistic jack-headedness really is universal.
Walid Muhammad Hajj: That’s right. I remembered an incident with a guy who sat next to me in the morning. When they brought the milk, he began to urinate into the milk.
Poor guy was homesick. “A taste of home.”
Interviewer: In front of you?
Walid Muhammad Hajj: Yes. I said to him: “Why are you urinating in the milk?” That’s when we knew that he was under a spell.
Plus, he was beginning to look like a newt. Or was it Walid’s naked sister?
After he had recovered a little, after we read Koranic verses to him, he said to me: “The birds on the barbed wire would talk to me, and tell me to urinate in the milk. When the guards pass by my cell, the sound made by their pants talks to me.”
The sisterhood of the traveling, talking pants!
And now it gets truly fucking hilarious:
Interviewer: Did they ever use witchcraft on you?
Walid Muhammad Hajj: There was one attempt.
Interviewer: How did they do it?
Walid Muhammad Hajj: Once, when I was sleeping – on the floor, not on a bed – I suddenly felt that a cat was trying to penetrate me. It tried to penetrate me again and again. I recited the kursi verse again and again until the cat left.
Poor Walid got raped by a kitty!
Really. Is there any way at all that those medieval savages can get more fucking ridiculous? Big, scary Walid the Haji got raped by a cute, fluffy little kitteh.
Yeah. And if you don’t start behaving, we’re going to unleash… THE HAMSTERS!!!