Roast Burglar

Beats roasting chestnuts over an open fire, if you ask us. Not sure we’d eat them, though. Most of them have a drug content high enough for their meat to be permanently banned by the FDA.

Where are we getting with all of this? Beats us, just seemed a season-appropriate subject matter. Oh wait. Yes. Now we remember. There was this post about a wall-mounted shotgun locking device at BoingBoing and, as is so often the case, the comments provide for just the sort of target-rich environment that our Imperial urge to derisively mock and ridicule thrives in.

It starts out happily enough with your usual assortment of True Blue Americans Like the Rest of Us making wonderful and highly un-PC remarks:

Too far from the bed, you’d have to get out and actually take like, 2 steps to get to that thing…

Remember: Seconds count. We suppose one could mount the thing on the sideboard of the bed, though. Still leaves the problem with the lock.

and of course you left the keys in the front door.

‘Zactly. Not to mention that His Imperial Majesty has enough trouble locating the keyhole to the front door, much less some accursed contraption keeping our darling 870 in bondage.

Those ceiling based drop-down turrets from The 5th Element would be better, but they’re still working the bugs out of ED-209. Dick, I’m VERY disappointed…

NOW you’re talking!

Some debate regarding whether a pump action shotgun was “appropriate” for home defense ensued too (according to us, anything that can be used to make a goblin assume room temperature as quickly and efficiently as possible is “appropriate”, but zoning laws makes keeping a 155mm How impractical), which was ended by our favorite comment so far:

When you absolutely, positively have to kill every last motherfucker in the room…

That’s the spirit, he said, wiping a tear from the corner of his eye.

The silliness, however, was building up slowly:

With a shotgun you want the long barrel to avoid an unintended head shot or fatal organ hit.




What’s this “unintended” head shot or fatal organ hit you’re talking about? Something about that sentence just does not compute. Turns out he’s one of the Too Much Hollywood types that always show up in threads like that one:

The operative thinking is you aim for the legs to disable, not kill as you generally HAVE to do with a hand gun.

Or, better still, shoot the intruder’s finger right out of the trigger guard because, well, heaven forbid you should end up hurting the little darling. Thanks, Annie Oakley, now sit down and shut up while the grownups talk.

Oh, and of course the comment that inspired the title of this post. The subject was the use of rock salt instead of good old double-aught buckshot, and this was his response:

I would use sea salt and add some fresh ground pepper. That would pre-season the meat. Mmm, roast burglar!

See? Who said you have to be so damn humorless about Taking the Trash Out™? It’s not like we’re talking about bumping off actual human beings here. We call them “goblins” for a reason, you know.

All in all just plain, good fun so far, so you’re probably wondering where the mocking and ridiculing comes in. When the EUroweenies find the thread on the Internets, of course!

Generally in the UK we don’t have guns in our homes (for the most part),

Because you’re not allowed to defend yourselves.

the bad guys don’t have guns (for the most part),

Because they don’t need them (see the above), but a kitchen knife will kill you just as dead.

the cops don’t have guns (for the most part).

Because they’re not allowed to use them, lest they get hung out in the media for being “trigger happy” and suspended without pay. Who needs that shit?

Maybe I’m just an anti-gun pacifist (possibly Commie) peacenik limey, but I’m surprised to see a gun based article on a life affirming blog like Boing Boing.

Nothing more life-affirming than shooting a goblin in the face. Remember: It makes the Baby Jesus smile!

Then some other wanker chimed in:

One day in the future, someone will repost this on the prodigy of Boing Boing and readers will amuse themselves with the notion that the people of the early 21st century actually had firearms in their homes. They’ll shake their heads with resigned disapproval when they read that these people felt they were an essential component of their safety.

This will be right around the same time as lions are lying down with lambs, unicorns cavort in evergreen meadows, shitting Skittles all over the place and We All Ain’t Gonna Study War No Mo’…

Until then, however, we keep our powder dry.

Oh, and he concludes with the GFW’s usual parting shot:

How did these people live with such constant fear in their lives that they felt they had to have a shotgun at the ready.

Yeah, sure. All of us gun owners are just scaredycats with tiny penises, blah, blah, bleh. It’s funny we always hear that from nancies in tutus who whine and screech at the merest mention of a firearm.

Here’s the thing, though. His Imperial Majesty is so loaded for bear that he, in matter of fact, ain’t scared of a damn thing. With the possible exception of a Zombie MEF showing up outside because they smell the beer in our fridge. Hey! It could happen!

These comments are truly sickening.

Thanks! But flattery will get you nowhere, you know.

Do you americans have any idea at all how appalling your society appears to the rest of the world,

We certainly hope so! The very last thing we’d want would be for a bunch of defenseless, whining, bankrupt pussies with their hands around their ankles to start thinking how swell we were!

that you can have this sort of casual conversation about ways to kill and injure other people?

A bit thick, are you? OK, we’ll take it again: We’re not talking about people, we’re talking about goblins.

And then to top it off you delude yourselves that everyone wants to be like you?

Look at net migration numbers, little one, then come back to us on that one.

Then a homegrown wanker replies to the “we have no guns anywhere” Brit:

That’s why I never got the “but if we outlaw guns, only outlaws would have guns.”

I’m certain your average street thief/burglar doesn’t have the resources or money to get guns when they’re that scarce.

Just like the average drug addict doesn’t have the resources or money to get drugs when they’re as scarce as the War on (Some) Drugs have made them. Ahem.

Tell us: How does the inside of your colon smell?

Here in America, if somebody wants your wallet, you basically have to give it to them unless you have a gun.

Which, of course, is why you shouldn’t have a gun, don’t you see? So you can get rid of that pesky wallet that you didn’t really want anyway. Liberal logic, it’s the new mescalin.

A commenter had mentioned earlier how he got out of a tough spot thanks to a shotgun when a noisy, violent drunk was trying to kick in his door. This brought on this reply:

All other considerations aside, it does make me quite nervous to think of a gun in the hands of someone who describes a drunk who comes to the wrong door as a “home invasion.”

Not as nervous as it made the drunk! Mhehehe.


1. Guns are disgusting

Uh-oh. Now you done pissed Lyudmila off. Not good. Not good at all.

2. Thought boingboing was better than this

Somebody threw a spanner into your echo chamber?

3. People who like guns have something wrong with them, sorry, they are designed to kill people (or to hunt).

And they do both so very, very well. So what’s wrong with killing people goblins (who are quite willing to kill you if you don’t stop them) and hunting?

So a drunk picked the wrong house and you were ready to kill him for it?!!!?! …

The question is: Was the drunk willing to die for his “right” to kick in somebody else’s door? Apparently he wasn’t, and good for him.

Reason # 74758596561 that I am SO GLAD to NOT be from the USA

Not as glad as we are.

Dude, seriously. This is real life, not the zombie apocalypse. You could yell through the door to tell him that he has the wrong house.

And that’s exactly what he did. While racking his shotgun. And guess what? It worked! Now change your knickers and get into something dry, will you?

You could call the cops.

Who are only minutes away. Sure. He could call his Aunt Martha too, but that doesn’t quite solve the immediate problem with a loud bastard kicking in his door, now does it?

Besides: If he’d called the cops the drunk, assuming he was still around when they got there, would have gone to jail and had a nasty citation for disorderly conduct, attempted burglary and vandalism over his head. Instead all that happened to him was a change of underwear.

Why do you hate drunk people so much???

If he’s that drunk,

Are you suggesting that he should have opened the door and tried to get a guy kicking in his door to submit to a sobriety test?

you could blow on him and watch him fall down. This is hysteria.

Yes, it is. So could you wankers calm the fuck down already?

Which, of course, that particular wanker absolutely refused to do:

I said that somebody jiggling your door handle is not a home invasion.

A damn sight more than “jiggling” going on.

The airports are not filled with terrorists waiting to blow you up. The streets are not filled with pedophiles waiting to abduct your children. The US is not full of armed home invaders waiting for you to go to bed so that they can rob and murder you.

It only takes one. Are you willing to volunteer to take the one flight with a terrorist who wasn’t aborted by a goat and dropped on his head thirteen times? Volunteer your kid to the one pedo stalking your city? Just saying, is all.

Better to have and not need than to need and not have.

Yes, there are plenty of crimes,

I thought you just got done saying that there practically aren’t any and, besides, the very few that do happen always happen in that magical place called Somewhere Else™ that idiots living with their heads in the sand have dreamed up.

but describing this incident as a home invasion is histrionic.

Sorry, but I’ll take the word of the guy who was actually there over yours, thankyouverymuchly.

That guy, by the way, then chimed in and elaborated a bit on what had actually happened during the “jiggling” incident, when the “poor misunderstood drunk” had been kicking, banging, screaming and cursing before our homeowner finally decided that enough was enough.

Not that it mattered to the wanker, of course:

Just because I can react to things calmly doesn’t mean that I’ve never experienced an emergency. Coping skills > shooting at anything that scares you.

Don’t you just love some sanctimonious prick whose “coping skills” likely consist of “void bladder and bowels, scream ‘please don’t hurt me!’, then bend over and grab ankles (and Blame Bush the next morning)” lecturing a guy who had actually been in a scary situation on What He Should Have Done™?

No, we don’t either.

But enough of him. Time to make fun of some other moron:

Hi, I created an account just to say this.

Oh goody. Can’t hardly wait to hear your words of wisdom now that you’ve gone through the grueling ordeal of picking a username and password.

BoingBoing is amazing. This post is not.

You went through the Purgatory of User Registration for that??? Oh, you’ve got more. Carry on then.

Anyone who thinks he/she is safer when carrying a gun , or having a gun around at his house for “protection” when living within the confines of a relatively advanced society/nation is a potential threat.

Anyone who thinks that he/she is safer without one, on the other hand, is a certifiable, provable loon.

Almost as much as any small time crook/burglar running around with one.

“Certifiable and provable” means that you don’t have to provide further evidence. Really. It’s quite enough already. Move along. Next.

You may think you can restrain yourself and fire only when you re absolutely sure you re facing an immediate death threat.

Yes, you may. You particularly may when you, as the vast majority of gun owners here, have vigorously trained yourself in those aspects and, heck, might even have found yourself in situations where you proved that you could do all of the above.

You may believe you re a Zen Master.

You may believe that you’re able to disarm violent criminals merely with a withering stare.

And I don’t care.

No surprise there. We shan’t bother you with irksome facts then.

Almost everyone can become mentally unstable under stress, which leads to poor judgement/decisions. In every developed country around the world, bar the US, you have to go through hell to get a license for a hunting weapon, or a 9 mm for shooting practice.

And we take it that “going through hell” is a thing to be devoutly wished for, in your opinion? Well, you did go through the mental anguish and torture of registering an account just to tell us all how stupid we are, so your BDSM bona fides are beyond question.

And guess what, the “accidental” shooting numbers are lower.

As are the “deliberate” ones, much to the enjoyment of foreign goblins still sucking air. You see, here’s the thing: We rather like the deliberate shootings as they keep us from being prey to anyone with a tire iron and a poor disposition and, as to the “accidental” ones, we have this thing called “training.”

We highly recommend it.

Less people are wounded/dead.

Which, seeing as how you foreigners have a strange definition of “people”, isn’t necessarily a Good Thing™.

There are still ways a psycho can get hold of a firearm, but it s way harder and way more expensive.

Well, as long as the goblin who does me in had to spend a lot of money and time on getting the weapon he whacked my defenseless self with, I guess I won’t really have that much of a problem with being dead.

In the US, he just drops by the local gun store, and voila!

Disregarding, in the interest of artistic license, the background check etc. Oh, wait. There’s something about that background check… Yes, that’s it: Goblins DON’T “just drop by the local gun store and voila!” because, wait for it, THEY CAN’T!

Imagine that.

Also, the whole “home protection” argument is by default invalid,

Indeed? We can’t wait for you to elaborate on that one.

since, while it is legal to own a gun, it is illegal to shoot someone with it, even for home protection. You will still be prosecuted in most states (except where the Case Law is in effect), and you may be subject to severe penalties yourself.

Behold the legal expertise of, of… We shall call him “Random Limey Twat Who is on the Internets™.” And steer well clear of states where “Case Law” is in effect. They’re dangerous!

Odds are, the burglar / drug addict / whoever invades your house doesn’t want a fight.

Especially not when you’ve got the barrel of a Mossberg jammed up his nostril.

They just want to take whatever they can , as quick as they can, and get the frak outta there.

See? They don’t want to hurt you! They just want your stuff, you big, violent, paranoid, gun nut brute! *Sniffle*

So instead of giving them a valid reason to think you re a threat to them, do yourself a favour and be a little chicken.

How about the goblin not giving ME a valid reason to think HE’S a threat to ME? Trust me, he’ll be doing himself a HUGE favor.

Let them take what they want. make sure your house is insured.

…and let everybody else who is also insured by that company pay for the little darling’s life of unopposed crime. Boy, that is so brilliant! We think we’ll move back to EUnuchistan. To be a criminal, because obviously the last remaining, functional testicle already left the continent.

That type of behavior will protect you more effectively than any gun.

Until the goblin decides that you (or your wife or 12-year-old daughter) are hot looking or just decides that he doesn’t much like leaving eye witnesses behind, if you get our drift.

But it sure will protect the goblin.


I live in a fairly large city in the UK. We had a death by shooting quite a few years ago. It was a big thing because of its rarity. We had a guy go crazy with guns recently (not in my city, but it was the main national news story for about a week). In the UK that happens about once every ten years or so, and each time, the gun ownership laws get tightened a little bit more.

So how’s that working out for you again? We hear kitchen knives are next on the ban list.

Now, I’m not disputing the nobility of being able to defend the homestead against home invading meth heads, but I like a country where owning a gun is highly unusual, gun crime is still very rare and home invasions aren’t common enough to put them on a standard list of eventualities to prepare for.

Don’t we all? When you find such a place, please drop us a note.

But, thats just a cultural thing.

More like a “head up your arse” thing.

Another one:

It’s a sad indication of the country you live in if you feel the need to sleep with a shotgun in your room. Or even own a gun for defense.

We know. Which is why we’ve been taking that issue up with the goblins for a while now. And when we say “take up the issue”, we mean “shoot them in the fucking face. Repeatedly.”

There seems to be less and less of them every year. Funny that.


As a Canadian I find the attitudes to be downright disgusting, human life apparently has little value for many americans, just seems to be the reality of the way they think.

Oh but we do value human life. We just tend to value the life of law-abiding, innocent humans a whole lot higher than you do. But hey, you’re Canadian, so you can’t really be held responsible for your idiocy.

Just stay up there, m’kay? We haven’t quite determined whether your recto-cranial inversion is communicable yet.



  1. 1
    Tom Dickson-Hunt bloviates:

    Whenever I come across this sort of silliness, it makes me grit my teeth a little for the presumption of it. It does my heart good to see it roundly mocked.

    The thing that bugs me the most is not that they’re wrong, it’s that they take this incredibly annoying tone of moral superiority. We wouldn’t want anyone having weapons, dear me no, do you have no concern for human life? And then they act as if it is their perfect right to take them away from the rest of us. Fools.

  2. 2
    LC Random Numbers bloviates:

    I have never used a fire extinguisher in my home. I have, on the other hand had to use a firearm. I hope to never have to use one on anything with two legs and no wings, but I know mt dog is still with me thanks to that gun.

  3. 3
    LC Xystus bloviates:

    People who like guns have something wrong with them, sorry, they are designed to kill people

    Unlike, say, a katana or a battle ax…

  4. 4
    Elephant Man bloviates:

    So instead of giving them a valid reason to think you re a threat to them, do yourself a favour and be a little chicken.

    WTF?! :em99: Spoken like a true eunuch.

    Let them take what they want. make sure your house is insured.

    With your approach, I suppose “they” will start by taking your testicles.

    Just make sure they’re insured along with your house.

    I hate to break it to you pacifist boy, but even if your “cojones” were insured, I doubt that you’d find an organ donor to have them replaced. :em01:

  5. 5
    LCBrendan bloviates:

    Speaking as a citizen of a nation with utterly insane gun laws, let me tell anyone who has this delusion that criminals find it hard to get illegal weapons, the NSW Police have admitted they are powerless to stop the flow of illegal guns into every city in this country.

    It is a fact that anyone can “obtain” one, no questions asked. Ban all guns and only the criminals will have them.

    It is not a canard, it is not a slogan.

    It is a simple and indisputable FACT.

  6. 6
    americanexpat bloviates:

    I have plenty of concern for human life–for my own and for the lives of those to whom I am close. For the criminal who seeks to despoil me of my hard-earned possessions, and possibly my life? Yeah, right.

  7. 7
    Library Czar bloviates:

    I have used a weapon twice in my own home to discourage bad behavior.

  8. 8
    Light29ID bloviates:

    To be a criminal, because obviously the last remaining, functional testicle already left the continent.

    Somewhere in Russia some old Marshal of the Soviet Army is walking around with a walker mumbling to himself “Why didn’t we just fucking invade? We could have overrun Europe with the G-tdamned Bolshoi ballet!!!”

    More later on my views of gun control after I’ve had a Beam or two…or three…four?

  9. 9
    Light29ID bloviates:

    Speaking of recto-cranial inversion we have this little pearl of wisdom from the Insane Clown Posse over at DHS:

    WASHINGTON – The Homeland Security Department has alerted air carriers to a potential terror tactic involving insulated beverage containers like thermoses.

    The alert stressed that there is no intelligence about an active terror plot, but travelers may notice airport screeners taking a closer look at empty insulated containers.

    I guess my Stanley 1.1qt Thermos could be considered a weapon if it were in the wrong hands….say a crazed wife after you coming home drunk and puking on the couch. Yeah I can see that happening.

  10. 10
    LC Panzermann bloviates:

    LCBrendan said the following:

    It is a fact that anyone can “obtain” one, no questions asked. Ban all guns and only the criminals will have them.

    Brendan, same here in the Fatherland. Gun laws directly taken over from Adolf’s Little Book of Hate, now aimed at all law-abiding citizens, not only Jews. Normally, a used gun is cheaper on the black market than via the legal 2nd hand market.

    The attorney general’s office assumes that we have more than twice as many illegal guns as we have legal ones.

    But the worst part is that people are more and more reluctant to depend on themselves and always look towards the police or the state in general if they have a problem. The inability to defend yourself not only breeds defenselessness but also dependability on a broader basis.

    That is the real reason why most EU governments are trying to completely disarm their subjects.

  11. 11
    LC PrimEviL bloviates:

    Another great fisking by our Emperor of Lashing Logic.
    These idiots make me so pissed, I can’t talk to them.
    I just want to squeeze them like a ripe plumb, until the juice runs
    out between my fingers.

    Response to Light29ID @#9:

    I guess my Stanley 1.1qt Thermos could be considered a weapon if it were in the wrong correct hands….(there, fixed it for ya)

    I makes a very effective cudgel. Just don’t hold it by the carry
    handle, it -will- break off. Rather, insert hand under the handle,
    and palm the thermos for some effective application of blunt force trauma, via side, or use the ends hammer fashion.

    (I can figure how to use almost anything as a weapon. Some people think I’m dangerous. Can’t see why, myself.) :em93:

  12. 12
    LC HJ Caveman82952 bloviates:

    If I shoot someone, I intend to kill them, period, done, simple. I have every fuckng right to defend my home as I see fit, I owe the public nothing, especially the liberals. Now fi the crimesters could see about killing off the GFW’ lefties, maybe a deal could be worked out. You say that’s sick? So are those fomenting this ingratiating, gutless shit. As for the weinies, the usual cowardice rationalized as intellec tual superiority and tolerance. Of which it is neither………I just shook my head, cowards and fools, one and all. If TSHTF it would prove interesting, if not sadly amusing, to watch them trying to reason with these people.
    I aim to kill…or I don’t aim at all.

  13. 13
    Library Czar bloviates:

    You can’t take tweezers aboard but in first class thy give you a knife, fork and a glass glass. :em41:

  14. 14
    LC PrimEviL bloviates:

    Oh, BTW, my deviant er, *ahem* creative mind can see a methodology to produce a
    visually undetectable IED out of a thermos, complete with coffee

  15. 15

    You could call the cops.

    won’t work for home invasions or burglaries up here in Wa. State. As part of the punishment being meted out to us commoners for not voting in tax hikes, King County Sheriffs Dept will no longer respond to or investigate burglary calls or car prowls because of “budget reasons”.

    So instead of giving them a valid reason to think you re a threat to them, do yourself a favour and be a little chicken.

    well in this chicken coop, Foghorn Leghorn will now have a Kimber Custom Classic nearby since the cops won’t answer my 911 call anymore.

  16. 16
    LC PrimEviL bloviates:

    Response to Jaybear, Colonel of Imperial Ancient Artillery @#15:

    King County Sheriffs Dept will no longer respond to or investigate burglary calls or car prowls because of “budget reasons”.

    I suppose they still have budget enough to criminalize the citizenry with chickenshit statutory bullshit, though.

  17. 17

    LC PrimEviL said the following:

    I suppose they still have budget enough to criminalize the citizenry with chickenshit statutory bullshit, though.

    that and they still have the resources to run speed traps all over the place

  18. 18
    Cannon Fodder bloviates:

    I read from the comments in this article where one person said something about shooting to wound rather than kill. Right, just try that in the U.S. and tell the cops you were only trying to wound the goblin. You will definitely find yourself going to jail. I was always told that you shoot to “remove the threat.”

  19. 19
    LC Ogrrre bloviates:

    “Do you americans have any idea at all how appalling your society appears to the rest of the world,”
    No, do tell us, then tell us why we have well over 12 million illegal aliens in our country.
    “How did these people live with such constant fear in their lives that they felt they had to have a shotgun at the ready.”
    Sorry, slick, no shotgun here, only revolvers, pistols, and rifles. As for why the firearms are necessary, I believe it has to do with the “I’m entitled” mentality of the socialist teat suckers and a total failure by the courts to provide swift and certain justice to offenders so that the goblins are willing to accept the risk of a life of crime.
    “And guess what, the “accidental” shooting numbers are lower. ”
    Oh, really? What are your sources? According to the FBI, all shooting deaths in America have tended lower for the past 10 or 15 years. And this in spite of a continual increase in private gun ownership. Also, in states that passed the “shall issue” concealed permit laws, crime has taken a nosedive, in many cases before the law was even implemented. In other words, you euroweenies, more guns = less crime.
    “You will still be prosecuted in most states (except where the Case Law is in effect), and you may be subject to severe penalties yourself.”
    BZZZZZZ! Wrong! Most states (30 and counting) have passed the Castle Doctrine Law where if you are in a place you have a legal right to be, and you feel your life, or your property are endangered, you can use force, including lethal force to protect yourself, your family, and your property. The state has to prove you did not feel threatened. And, most district attorneys will not prosecute such cases. Also, genius, the goblin’s survivors are prohibited from filing civil lawsuits against the citizen.
    “So instead of giving them a valid reason to think you re a threat to them, do yourself a favour and be a little chicken.”
    Or, if you plug ’em, you can relieve them of all their cares and worries. Do them a favor and, in the words of Achmed The Dead Terrorist, “kill them until they are dead.” It also does society a favor in that the goblin in question will not ever burgle, or steal, or rape, or kill ever again, and the taxpayers will not have to pay for a trial or support the parasite in prison.

  20. 20
    LC Xystus bloviates:

    Do them a favor and, in the words of Achmed The Dead Terrorist, “kill them until they are dead.”

    Or, as Saddam Hussein said in Hot Shots! Part Deux, “Now I will kill you until you die from it!” Or, as I might say to my bros, “Kill ’em to death.”

  21. 21
    Tallulah bloviates:

    They’re not pussies, darling, they’re PANSIES.

    Thank You.

    Did it ever occur to the Canadian pansy that we don’t care what it thinks? nah. It’s too busy being self-important, morally vain, and castrating itself. See? Surrendering your manhood doesn’t even hurt much, once you cease to struggle, it says.

  22. 22

    Oh puh-leeze! If there is an incident with multiple survivors, there will almost certainly be contradictory testimony. :em98: And it all gets sooo messy to dientangle, and for the officers to determine whether the masked intruder or the resident holding the smoking pistol is the perp. Do the nice officers a favor and assure that there is only one side of the story, your own, that they need to transcribe. It keeps everything so much clearer, and saves everyone time and bother.

  23. 23

    Guns cause crime just like flies cause garbage,,

    Beginsarcasm/ Ok, maybe they’re right:
    We keep spare tires in our cars n’ trucks ‘coz we WANT flat tires,
    We keep med-kits handy in our homes, vehicles and tool cabinets because we WANT to cut, bust or burn ourselves to flinders.
    So, naturally, we keep firearms around simply because we WANT to shoot someone. /endsarcasm

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.