Whilst fighting a losing battle against insomnia, amongst all of the thoughts tumbling around inside our skull, the seed of an idea was planted into the fertile soil of the imagination and immediately began to germinate and grow. Now, before an-all out religious flame war starts, let’s make a couple of things clear— First, this isn’t a philosophical discussion of “who made what” or “how it all started”. This is simply a discussion of observable physical phenomena and the physics involved in said observable phenomena. Secondly, I’m not a physicist, nor have I ever claimed to play one on TV. Thirdly, I can’t even remember if I’ve ever stayed in a Holiday Inn Express®.
Now, to get down to the nuts and bolts of whatever the Hell it is we started writing about… Oh, yeah, Teh Universe. Ever since Edwin Hubble discovered that the universe was expanding (Through observing the “Doppler Effect” from distant galaxies.), physicists have been trying to figure out how fast and whether or not all of the “stuff” would continue to expand. In the last few decades, astronomers have discovered that all of the “stuff” is, apparently, accelerating away from each other. The biggest brains in the astrophysics world have been burning the proverbial “midnight oil” (We used to love their music, back in our younger daze.) to come up with an explanation for this seemingly impossible occurrence. (According to the widely-accepted “Theory of Relativity”.) Now, far be it from a lowly layman to suggest that they may be using French poodles to hunt down a squirrel and those poodles may be barking up the wrong tree, but, looking back on our old high school science book learnin’, we have a theory that we’d be happy to have them crunch the numbers on and tell us if we might have spotted the squirrel sitting on top of their hunting dog’s head.
Cosmic-Scale Diffusion Accelerated by Decreasing Gravity as a Function of Increasing Distance
Here’s our hypothesis: As you will recall, “diffusion” is the spread of particles (or “stuff) through random motion from regions of higher concentration to regions of lower concentration. Well, since all of the “stuff” in the universe started out in a highly-concentrated area and has been spreading outwards since The Creation, aka “The Big Bang” among some folks, (Don’t even start.), it has been fighting gravity that has wanted to drag it back in on itself. Now, it’s been well-established that gravity’s influence lessens as a function of distance, so wouldn’t it make perfect, beautiful sense that the process of “diffusion” would accelerate as the force of gravity weakens on the “stuff”, especially if said “stuff” is trying to diffuse into the (near?) perfect void of uncluttered space on the outer reaches of the universe? It sure would beat the Hell out of all of this “dark anti-matter” or “magical unicorn farts” stuff and, should it pan out, possibly earn us a cool $1,000,000 and a place on the Nobel dais, right beside such intellectual luminaries as Algore and Yasshole Arafuck.
If there are any astrophysicists out there who read the Rott (or a Rottie who knows an astrophysicist and wants to pass this on), please let us know what you think about this hypothesis. Also, if you could, let us know if you know of a good Swiss (or Hong Kong) bank that our Nobel check could be direct-deposited in.