...2009 Archives...

Imperial FAQ

I’ve been promising to write one of these for a while now, wondering how to go about posting it, and finally decided to just put it up as a post with a permalink to it on the sidebar.

Q: What’s with all the nasty language on this blog?
A: What the fuck business of yours is that?

Q: No, seriously.
A: This is NOT a Family Oriented blog. I happen to LIKE colorful invective and I’m incredibly sick and tired of the PC society we’ve created in which you have to guard your every word for fear that you might upset somebody and hurt their wittle feewings.

Q: But don’t you CARE about other’s feelings?
A: On my bandwidth and on my dime? Not in the least. Nobody’s forcing anybody to read my tripe if they don’t like it. Go hug a tree or something.

Q: I’m a Muslim and I’m offended at the way you make fun of Allah. Wouldn’t you be hurt if I made fun of Jesus?
A: I’m sure that if Jesus is offended, he’s QUITE capable of taking care of the problem Himself. In that case, you might want to carry around a portable lightning rod, just in case.

Q: You’re just saying that because you’re an atheist, right?
A: No I’m not. I’m a Christian. I’ve also got a sense of humor (and am currently praying that He does as well)

Q: But I get the impression that you’re against all Muslims when you ridicule Islam?
A: I’m not. I’m against the Muslims that interpret the Quran to mean that it’s their holy duty to beat women and kill everybody who don’t believe in their interpretation of G-d.

Q: So you’re not saying that Islam is evil?
A: Absolutely not. There’s nothing inherently evil in Islam, just as there’s nothing inherently evil in Christianity. That didn’t keep Torquemada and his Merry Band of Inquisitors from behaving like utter shitheels, though. Same with Islam today.

Q: So why do you always use the term “Religion of Peace” when referring to Islam?
A: Primarily to stress the difference between the Wahhabi Religion of Murder and Islam as such and also to illustrate the absurdity of calling their viral strain of Islam “peaceful” in any shape, form or fashion.

Q: But don’t you realize that somebody might misunderstand this and many other statements to mean that you’re just a garden variety bigot?
A: Why do you think I’m writing this FAQ?

Q: I still think you should leave Allah out of it.
A: Listen. Go make a joke about Jesus in my comments if it makes you feel better. If it’s a good joke, I might even give it its own post.

Q: I’m just upset at all the profanity on your blog.
A: Give me one good explanation why you’re still reading it, then.

Q: But what about The Children??
A: Listen, if you think that The Children? are likely to pick up any bad words around here that they haven’t heard a hundred times worse already, then you seriously need to start taking an interest in your kids!

Q: I think it’s wrong for you to talk about pounding somebody’s head into a pulp just because you disagree with them.
A: I think it would be a damn sight worse if I were ever to actually DO it instead of just talking about it.

Q: But don’t you realize that you might make somebody act out your words in real life?
A: Been listening to Metallica backwards lately, have you?

Q: No, I mean, seriously!
A: If somebody’s already sick enough to commit murder over a disagreement, I’m sure they don’t need me inciting them to do so.

Q: Don’t you believe that obscenities and insults inhibit rational discourse?
A: No. I DO believe, however, that setting up arbitrary and ever-changing “rules” for how you can express your opinion sooner or later renders discourse meaningless and vapid.

Q: You’re an arrogant asshat!
A: Yes.

Q: Didn’t that make you feel angry and demeaned?
A: No. Try harder, you tepid tank of tumblefuckedness.

Q: I think you just made me cry.
A: Good.

Q: OK, you mean bastard, I’ll be back posting to your comments under somebody else’s handle, making you cry too!
A: Go ahead, then watch you and your subnet being banned all the way to hell and back. I won’t cry, though. Ha!

Q: I’ll just switch to another IP, you fascist bastard!
A: And I’ll just knock that subnet off too. Your point? Other than the one on top of your head, of course.

Q: But I’m a 133+ HaX0r!
A: And I’m a mean old bastard who happens to enjoy tracing IPs and passing off the info to, er, “interested” parties.

Q: Censor! NetKKKop!
A: Pimple-faced shitstain.

Q: So you’ll just pass my info on to the Ashcroft Dissent Squasher? brigades if I don’t agree with you all the time? What’s the point of that?
A: I didn’t say that you couldn’t sling all the mud you want to, now did I? As a matter of fact, I ENCOURAGE that. Just don’t try to pass it off as someone else’s, OK?

Q: OK, I’m confused… What in the name of the Nine Guardians of the Gates of Hell does F.E.T.E. mean???
A: We could tell you, but we’d have to kill you…

Q: No, seriously, dammit! Tell me or the kitty gets it!
A: What kitty? Oh, that one… Did we tell you that we don’t really like kitties?

Q: What? EVERYBODY likes kitties!
A: Nope.

Q: Well I do!
A: That’s not a question, is it?

Q: So you won’t tell me?
A: Of course we will… We thought you’d never ask. It means [drum roll]…
Fuck ‘Em, The End!

Q: Is this the end of the FAQ?
A: Might as well be, it’s too long already.

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